My older sister was abusive to me all during my childhood. She had a terrible rage problem and I was the focus of much of it. My parents stopped what they could but never addressed the core problem, probably because they were unaware. As we became young adults, I had my issues, and my sister had hers. She had/has a drinking and drug use problems, and also exhibits behavior that a therapist of mine once said sounded Borderline Personality Disorder. After researching that, it really sounds like her. She has been a lying, stealing, abusive burden on my family for as long as I can remember. I and my siblings are close to just cutting her off, but for my dad’s sake do not. Is it wrong for me to have so little compassion toward a sister who suffers mental illness as well? The thing is, I own my sz and all that goes with it. My sister denies a mental illness and lives in a lie. Any advice?
Get her to read this book, and read it yourself perhaps. She suffers alot…just different than you.
If your sister wants to help herself you should support her, but if she doesn’t want to do that you should stay away from her. I’m a great believer in avoidance.
Here are some personal experiences of people with BPD who have some insight.
I was never diagnosed with BPD, but I easily met the criteria when I was younger. It’s an observable disorder of both emotional sensitivity and emotional regulation - BPD people experience things much more intensely than most, and have far fewer resources for managing those emotions.
The first answer divides BPD sufferers into people who blame themselves, and people who blame everyone else. I was very much in the first group, and your sister sounds like she might be in the second. I suspect the author is right about the prognosis for the two groups.
With that in mind, with your sister showing no insight, taking no responsibility, doing nothing to mitigate the damage - there isn’t much likely to be gained by putting yourself in the line of fire.
What BPD people need, in my experience, is insight into their thoughts and behaviors, and motivation to change. And if they have the first, even if they don’t yet have the second, what helps most are people who love them unconditionally, who are patient and devoted. But if they don’t have the first, especially if they’re prone to abusive behavior, love and understanding aren’t going to get you very far.
Your sister, if she has BPD, is very sick and is suffering a lot. Maybe just understanding that will help you step back and be less hurt by her actions when you see her.
Good luck 
From the above mentioned book, the nine criteria for diagnosing BPD.
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.
3. Lack of clear sense of identity.
4. Impulsiveness in potentially self-damaging behaviors, such as
substance abuse, sex, shoplifting, reckless driving, binge eating.
5. Recurrent suicidal threats or gestures, or self-mutilating behaviors.
6. Severe mood shifts and extreme reactivity to situational stresses.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Frequent and inappropriate displays of anger.
9. Transient, stress-related feelings of unreality or paranoia.
This constellation of nine symptoms can be grouped into four
primary areas toward which treatment is frequently directed:
- Mood instability (criteria 1, 6, 7, and 8).
- Impulsivity and dangerous uncontrolled behavior (criteria 4
and 5). - Interpersonal psychopathology (criteria 2 and 3).
- Distortions of thought and perception (criterion 9).
I fit each one of these. Of course, you can’t be your sister’s therapist and certainly not her rescuer, but if you have some questions, I’m here. Though I might be a bit subjective and contradictory, well…
I had all but 4. I still struggle with 6, 7 and 9, and only a lot of practice keeps 1 under control.
One of those answers on Quora described a woman lying flat on the ground in front of her boyfriend’s car to keep him from leaving - I never did that, but only because the precise situation never arose. It sounds exactly like the kind of thing I would have thought necessary.
Thank you, @Sarad,@Rhubot, and @crimby. I feel angry with her because she thinks she’s a victim while she victimzes others. And she’s 53 years old, so been doing this a long time. I’m going to look at that book, though. Of those 9 criteria she fits all but number 5. I always wondered why I was the one who was suicidal and not her.
@Rhubot and @Sarad, I’m touched by your sharing your own experiences. I guess that’s what we do here. I think you can help me renew my compassion for my sister, even though I admit I’m tired if years of compassion whrn I have my own •••• to deal with. First step i that book. Thank you.
One of the passages in the book explains how borderline, due to primary childhood neglect and abuse, becomes masochistic and/or oftenly sadistic. The punishment and abuse only reinforces their desire to come back for more. Therefore, they oftenly end up with narcissistics, because those want to dominate, and borderlines need a steady personality to hold onto.
But doesnt help knowing it, at all.
Yes that sounds like her. And she idolizes me in a creepy, not normal sisterly, way, but seems to enjoy hurting me too. She’s both masochistic and sadistic. She’s a mess. I wonder if it’s too late.
Well I think it is not her fault nor it is yours.
It says that BPD is among at least recognizable and widely known disorders, oftenly misdiagnosed with other mental illnesses…
I really don’t know. If she wants to change I guess it can never be late.
My dad told me there is a black sheep in every family.
I made sure it wasn’t me.
There is a time when an adult has to live up to their choices. I’d they choose stealing, that usually means jail, etc.
If they don’t know how to get a job or won’t, that would be my brother. My other brother supports 6 kids so it’s not like we didn’t learn how to be responsible.