Hi again people
i really have every 2 or 3 days those suicidal thoughts. In fact, it starts with the thoughts about my future with this illness, how i am gonna to integrate the society and how i am gonna to be happier while i spent too much time being stuck in one place…and when i think like this, i become so suicidal and paralysed by a psychical pain who becomes even physical that i want to scream in my bed. I cant barely move in these moments.
What i can do to see this fade away one day? how was it for you? listen to music, pace at my house, what i can do at those moments? is this will help or its too few like activity to see my suicidal ideation fade away? i also have anger and hate tbh… so its negative symptoms of sz plus depression i guess.
All pdocs seem to say that the depression doesnt go away with autosuggestion but how when even meds dont work on this? The most of the antidepressants made me more paranoid, i cant stand the paranoia too…
I’m sorry to hear that the antidepressants that you’ve tried so far haven’t helped. I am fortunate that meds, for the most part, have worked for me. There have been times in the many years I’ve been on meds that I still have become suicidal, and needed a med adjustment. Getting off of alcohol has helped my depression tremendously, as well.
I have to ask, though, how long have you had the illness/diagnosis? It takes time to reach the point of acceptance, and I’m just wondering if you haven’t reached that point yet. I think all of us have been through, or are still going through, the “why me?” phase. Having a psychotic illness is a very tough pill to swallow.
Is there any way to arrange for yourself to be around more people? That keeps me from twisting off into agoraphobia. I don’t like it. I prefer to be alone, but when I spend too much time alone my mind starts creating all kinds of strange reasons to be afraid. It’s like my mind isn’t getting enough of certain types of stimulation, and as a result I create all these problems in my head. You don’t have to be a social butterfly. Just see if there is some place where you can be in the company of people.
I was bullied a lot when I was growing up and my best friend died of cancer when I was 10. It devastated me and I began to become suicidal by 14. It began with self harming and substance abuse for years and eventually I was put in the hospital. By the time I was 17 I dropped out of high school with enough credits to graduate so I didn’t have to go back. I graduated and for a while it went away, It sunk in eventually I am still alone and they came back. I joined an autism foundation for adults and I made a friend who is now probably my closest friend, my life coach. We’ve been working for 5 years now and I’ve never had a friend like him. He doesn’t just do his job, he tries to form real friendships and trust and tries to do anything to help me.
It was good for years, but in recent events I’ve been suffering from my illness as it progresses to get worse and my thoughts come back. I don’t have a job or go to school anymore all I do is sit at home all day with my thoughts. I feel the same anger and hate that you do and I find it so hard to express, as mine comes from me leaving the 2 people who made me happiest.
I try to listen to music but find I only listen to sad music which makes me more depressed. I try to talk to people but its hard when everyone else has lives and can’t talk. I try and see my doctor but he keeps canceling and I’ve been trying for 3 months now and he now wants me to see him in another month. I’d say though if you want help reach out and talk about it. Don’t be foolish and bottle up all these negative emotions for years like I did cause it will hurt you more in the end. I’m at the point where I wish I just talked to people and let out my emotions, now I feel more hopeless then I have ever felt in my life. It’s come to a point where I am wanting to get admitted to the hospital and I swore after my first time there I’d never go back now I ran out of options.
So once again reach out for help be it doctors, family, friends, therapists, anyone just don’t hold it in cause it will only get worse.
thank you all for the answers. danny, I am sorry to hear that you are like this but I am not better either :/… Docs are useless now I find. I had 7 hospitalizations also… Ive spent 7 years of trying meds, Zyprexa helps me to be on my feet but I have still a lot other issues. Those suicidal thoughts are quite often now still. For the others, did they fade away? How people? Do you believe once iam more active it will get better on this level? But its hard to be active now for me too. I guess you cant get up like this after 17 years of passivity and despair, its just doesn’t work like this, at least not for me… Yeap, the social isolation is worsening all this. I have just one friend left who comes visiting me sometimes but sometimes I am mean to her. She is ill too and she does better so its hard for me. The others, yeah, they have their lives, they are far away…
Maybe my paranoia will still get better on Zyprexa with the time, I am not sure… But the tempo with which I walk in the life is slow, wow…
Yes they absolutely can…I have been there before too and understand what you are talking about.
I guess the first time they faded it was when I started college. So sometimes a change of environment is really important. You said you pace around your house all day…I don’t think that will help. When college started I got out of my at the time toxic to me home environment. I had a fresh start, new friends and everything was new and exciting. With this new life I no longer wanted to die.
Other things that help is establishing a future for yourself, I found as well that issues with the future made things the worst for me…when the future seemed uncertain or bleak…but then life would change new circumstances would arise and things would all align again…have a goal for yourself. If you don’t have one now start working on it. Start thinking about what sort of future you’d like to have, where you want to be, what you want to do…you need to start creating a future for yourself that you would like to be alive in.
Finally antidepressants also helped tremendously. They just make it so you never get those thoughts at all, or rather that’s what they did for me. So perhaps don’t give up on them just yet.
So in conclusion
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Change your environment, even if you can’t physically move maybe do it by changing your daily schedule, sign up for some sort of community group, volunteer someplace regularly, etc
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Get an idea of a future you’d like to live in rather than worrying about what may go wrong, and then start working towards that future.
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If all else fails, keep trying antidepressants. I’m not sure which ones you’ve tried but some of the ones I was on I reacted with TERRIBLY, and then some I got no side effects at all or very mild ones. Also some have bad side effects for the first couple weeks but then they go away. Could be the same for you.
That really sounds to me like depression and it is brought on by being sick for a long time. At least it sounds like something that I experienced that stemmed from a lack of acceptance of the fact that I was mentally ill. Antidepressants helped me tremendously with reestablishing myself after the psychosis. Eye contact and socializing were so difficult for me. Eventually I threw myself back out terrible but it was a long slow process. I had to accept that I was different from other people and that was very hard to do. I work now, have a few friends, could maybe date again if I lost a few pounds. All in all I would say that recovery is possible.
But you have to go slow with yourself, having psychosis is no different than being hit by a car or breaking your legs. You might not run the way you used to before it but you can certainly start by walking and improve over time.
This makes me very sad 
I have overcome most of my suicidal urges. I had to love and forgive myself from the past as well as myself in the present. Sometimes suicide still feels easier than carrying on, but it’s not something I dwell on or idealize anymore. It was worth the effort to get here.
Here is some 
I have been suicidal before for a long period amidst the worst negative symptoms.
I told my my pdoc about it and she put me on a mood stabiliser, Lamotrigine.
It still took about two months or so for the suicidal thoughts to gave way but it eventually did.
My new pdoc explained to me that such severe suicidal thoughts is normally the lows in bipolar people.
Lamotrigine help to stabilise the mood between these highs and lows. I suggest that you discuss your suicidal thoughts with your pdoc and maybe ask him about a mood stabiliser. I hope you get the help you need real soon. Hugs