Breaking up

[anon49901817]

Today i broke up with my date of (just) 3.5 months or so. We spoke to eachother almost every day the last months. He was sad, cried.

I told him i overestimated myself. That im not in the right place (fear, mourning, etc) to let a man come closer and i have no clue if or when this will change. Which is truth. He was nice and proposed being friends for now and i refused kindly, because he would clearly hope for more.

I feel mostly relieved i spoke up, face to face, and didnt drag him along in some half-way friendship.

I also feel a little bad. I shouldnt have started/continued this. I also wasnt falling in love, which was another reason to quit, and i didnt tell him that today (I didnt want to cause unnecessary hurt). I feel defective, because i always fell for ■■■■■■■■ and abusers, but didnt fully fall for this kind and genuine guy…I really wanted to love him.

I notice im having some odd and self-loathing thoughts too…things like “he is a good child of God and i am evil and sinful, so maybe God built a wall between our hearts and prevented me from developping more feelings” or “I am a heartless, cold monster and devoid of all love and empathy”. Which might be a slightly too black and white-ish response…

Just wanted to share, i guess, because i told no-one irl…any thoughts?

[Aziz]

Sz removed my emotions and empathy. My gf who wanted kids left me shortly after my sz. Things happen and you just have to move on. Sometimes being single has its advantages, stability.

[Leaf]

I think you’re very mature and did the best thing not to string him along. You’re not a heartless monster.

[Illvoices]

A breakup isn’t the end of the world if anything it just mean you need some time-out.

[anon49901817]

Thanks you three, for “listening” and kind words.

I hope im not heartless, though psychosis/meds did influence the depth of my (positive) emotions. I do indeed feel single life brings more stability and this was the mature thing to do. It isnt the end of the world…it was just a bit “scary”, i dont like making someone cry.

Thanks!