Being schizophrenic , cannabis & love

Hello everyone i want to share something,as i was diagnosed with Schizophrenia for about 8-9 years ago but now i am taking regular medication & my condition is quite well now but yesterday while i was alone in my home suddenly i woke up & tears were rolling down through my eyes but for no reason & i was alone i started talking to myself .First let me explain my condition from past few years before

Firstly i used to have Cannabis daily cause it was the only way to escape pain & reality for a short period of time i was only happy when i am high so i used to intoxicate myself very often lets say one after another soon after some time after few months i heard a voice a female voice in my head but i thought it came from the building next door to mine…firstly i ignored that voice but soon i talking to that voice……it was fun for some time but after few months i became addicted to that voice ,i don’t how but i was communicating with that voice in a daily basis but i never saw her i told her that plzz come to see me in person…but she wont so i accepted it & was conversing with that voice but it only happens while i was being high & after some time different personalities were coming to me i mean as i was a loner with actually zero social connections i was having conversations with different voices in my head but they all have one thing in common they liked her voice & each of my personalities would to to impress her in their own unique way & each having different approach & abilities but all of it was in my head only…

So usually when having weed i start talking to myself with a totally new person…and As i get more high i converse with a total of 5 or 6 different persons…& the conversation would be sparkling(to me HAHA)…then i later realized i have the power of implementing personalities from real world…okay okay i know what i am saying …just hear me out…suppose you are seeing movie you like in which i like a person or admired then i will implement his personality into me & same goes for the persons in real life…so in short i played different personalities when i am high& that’s why i miss weed so much but i have made contract with reality not to do anymore…lemme explain how my imaginations works

sometimes i imagine that i am working at a cake factory & every day she used to come to my shop & when she will i just would just stare at her in slow motion(HAHAHA)…she will always come to me & ask for her favorite cake & eat & will go…& heart will go just zoo zoo zoo…

sometimes my imagination takes me to beautiful girl who has a voice of an angel everyone wants to see her sing,she is a famous singer & i am just a light boy or whatever it called( hold the spotlight ) but there’s a twist as she is singing he every day notices tears cause the girl who actually sings is behind the curtains as he notices her she is the most innocent girl with a voice of an angel but the world doesn’t know about her …

sometimes i think that i am a tourist guide at mountains drinking tea when suddenly a bus arrives & a beautiful girl was coming out of the bus & it was like love at first sight…fortunately their tour guide was suppose to be me…& as we were riding i just can’t take my eyes off …when we arrived at hill station she was bending over the fence observing the beauty of mountains & suddenly our eyes meet & she was blushing & had a smile …

But yesterday memories began to come down on me as i was lonely for a long time but after a long time i actually have a real girl in my life & shes’s really pretty also but i just cant forget about that voice in my head & all the memories i had with her,i just cant get her out of mind even being sober i thought that after this many years i would be able to break free i just cant… & all but i like her & don’t want to miss this time…


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yeah, we can’t smoke pot, not good at all.


yeah i know & i stopped smoking ,its been years but that voice still i cant forget…even though i am fully sober now

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I’m glad you have a girl in your life, do you think it’s solid, and does she know all?

no some things she know but not all & i am afraid if i told her the whole story she will get scared

does that mean you think women are easily scared, or both men and women?

No not at all its quite opposite actually i have friend & she is a girl & she likes to enjoy my stories i share everything with her but i just assumed that girl will get scared or think that i am a psycho

it may be true that women do more of looking up criminal record of men,

but it won’t show mental illness, I don’t think so. I sat down with Phil on the 2nd day
and told him all about my journey with paranoid schizophrenia. He didn’t run away.

you are indeed a lucky one my friend

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i just want the memories to go away but it wont

why you think you’re reliving that? I don’t do that, despite having PSTD too.

dont know that no clue dont want also but CANT

I just hope you got the right med combo to give you relief.

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i told earlier also i have no problems now …no hallucinations at all but those memories that i cant forget…

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maybe you have other talents, like a picturesque mind.

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indeed i have which reflect on some of my works but i left that long ago

i just want to be a normal person, i am not saying that people with SZ are abnormal but just wants to be a person who can accept,feel & react to a normal relationship with a girl…

well, you can’t put on a charade. Imperfections are very endearing to some people. If she can’t love you for who you are, you’re better off alone.

Fall in love with a real woman, you’ll forget about the dreams right quick.

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yeah maybe you are right…its better to tell the truth than to to create a false idea of me