Warning, this is going to be kind of a downer post so don’t read it if you’re in need of cheering up.
I don’t really know if the future is worth living for. Honestly the only reason why I won’t kill myself is out of obligation to others. My family needs me for example, and I feel a need to help mankind in some large way before I go so that my existence here won’t be entirely selfish.
Other than that I just don’t see a point to anything. All adults just say being an adult sucks. I’m going to have even more responsibilities than I have now, and I am drowning as is. I’m going through all this hard, hard work at school just to be saddled with a crap ton of debt in the end. Hopefully I’ll find a job. Being a scientist doesn’t pay so much, but it requires a lot of flipping education. Basically the only job you can have where you can get yourself out of debt sort of faster than other people is if you become a doctor. Well I don’t want to be a doctor, and I’m not necessarily talented enough or have the gpa to become one, not to mention not up mentally for the stress of med school.
Maybe I’ll get married. Maybe I’ll have kids. More stress. If I was dead I wouldn’t care if I married or had kids. The world just feels very ugly to me. So much stress and unhappiness constantly and the adults just say “That’s just how it is” “You’ll get over it.” Well maybe that’s not how things should be. And a lot of people don’t get over it.
Seriously though what is good about being an independent adult. Nothing. Endless responsibilities and stressors. And this isn’t even bringing up vanity reasons why being older sucks, such as slower metabolism, sagging skin, etc. No wonder so many people have an obsession with dying young. What do we have to look forward to?
Whoa, hold up.
You are studying neuroscience, like I did my first year.
That is some serious ■■■■.
You could become a professor and make some of the best, most insightful research in our generation, and be an example for others.
That is my two cents.
School and debt is common, just trudge through it and find a good job from your schooling.
Either that or become an entrepreneur and work at getting yourself outta debt
Yep, hence my I can’t kill myself out of obligation to help others. Any research is good research, even if I only make a small contribution.
Doesn’t stop my anxiety however.
The issue is that being a scientist does not pay the best money. And a ton of it is going to be taken by taxes, and the rest is going to go to my debt.
And every time I think of job interviews, or even grad school interviews my anxiety reaches paralyzing levels. So I just try not to think about any of it but it’s impossible.
Again, this is the typical response I get from adults. “Everyone is worried about this stuff, everyone deals with it, it’s fine.” Well it isn’t fine, and maybe everyone my age shouldn’t have to be agonizing over something as simple as being able to support themselves in the future.
Whatever works to keeps you alive is worth it. You deserve to survive if you are not hurting anyone. You deserve to live your life. You just have to realize that. That’s my two cents.
I think I just need to stop focusing on what I need to make myself happy and make my life goal to help others. Every attempt I make or goal I set expecting it to make me happy never does, which generally results in further depression on my part.
Maybe I’ll never be happy, but at least I can spend my life making other people’s lives easier so they can have a better chance.
That would be very rewarding in it’s own way. In AA literature they say almost everybody struggles with self-centeredness.
I’m sorry you’ve hit a depression. I do hope you feel better soon.
It does sound like you have a lot on your plate. There is a lot of stress and obligation… I do hope you get to find some time for yourself.
You are doing some amazing work… going to school… pushing yourself through all this both academically and fighting this illness.
I can understand that you could be very tired. Maybe it’s one of those paradoxes where happiness will come when you’re not looking for it.
Odd how it works like that sometimes.
I hope you feel better soon.
It’s hard to FORCE yourself to be happy. But sometimes you can take steps to make it easier to become happy.
I think happiness is more something that happens as opposed to something you can attain. I’m realizing that now.
I saw a quote on “The Twilight Zone” that said - “Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity”. There are different ways you can help humanity. Just raising kids well is one.
Choosing to live without medication is your choice- I myself think that you could benefit from meds. The newer drugs are not very sedating (go look at my powerlifting videos) yet they work pretty well.
I’m just saying, I was exactly where you were two years ago but I had a bottle in my hand. I don’t see how you are doing this without reaching out to something like booze or at least cigarettes. What changed my life was medication, I found hope for a life with less suffering after I got on meds- they began to work! I had low levels of hope and was running on rage and ethanol before medication.
I want to see you kick this illness in the balls. Israeli defense force style. You have the potential to be great, give yourself some credit, people have been where you are now and today they live dramatically different lives. Some have even become role models.
Ending up with a desire to positively impact others’ lives is a good motivation. Doing it as simply something to do is another good reason. Combine the two and you are set.
You don’t have to suffer, you can get help. The hardest part is admitting that you need help, and then trusting others enough to let them help you is also hard. I found my way out of where you are right now, and it was by first admitting that I was not okay.
When I have my bad moments, I tell myself “■■■■ is not okay”. It sounds like ■■■■ is not okay for you right now- “right now” can become the past.
If you had diabetes, would you not take insulin?
Can I get an Amen… thank you in the back.
Opening up and letting someone help me… it’s taken a lot to get to this point.
I completely agree. That’s why I liked your post. Life is not living for 90% of us.
People working dead end jobs just to survive and not end up on the streets, many are practically slaves FFS. I wouldn’t say us, schizophrenics, because at least most of us receive a meager disability payment, which means we don’t have to work. Not to mention people in Africa, or sweat shop workers in Asia, is that life? This can’t be life. Depression is at an all time high because we weren’t meant to live this way. We’re hunter gatherers, not designed to live like this, working stupid robotic jobs, using all this technology.
In the words of Tyler “we’re polishing the brass on the titanic, it’s all going down man”
I’m just saying, you try to stick any other animal at a desk for 7 hours a day, with minimal stimuli or exercise, they’d probably become depressed and eventually go insane.
People are forgetting that we’re animals and not robots.