Bat shyt GD crazy

This is the craziest I have ever felt since I got ill a year and a half ago. I have clocked hours talking to my audience. It’s always in private, so I guess I am not ‘that’ crazy, but it’s still an insane way to behave. I feel compelled. It’s like an OCD. Usually I do it but can curtail it pretty good. The last 2 days though it has affected my ability to do my homework even. I don’t remember it being that bad. I’m always a little nutty but this is straight up f*king cray. I always acknowledge my delusional audience but the last 2 days have been exaggerated for me. Nothing anyone can do about it. I go to therapy and I take my meds. I will bring it up when I see my therapist again. I am also going to take an extra 1mg risperidone tonight. I talk about everything from my abusive childhood to my theories on improving human behavior through voluntary training to how pissed I am that I can’t have my money to give to my poor, suffering family.

I am venting. I wish my brain would stop feeling so compelled. It really is like an OCD for me. Difficult to overcome.

My gal talks all the time because she is lonely and it helps her focus.


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Hug tight! Sounds really rough.

I don’t know if any of this will help you, but I made rules for myself about when I was allowed to talk to myself out loud. I know it’s not the same thing - I didn’t have a perceived audience - but maybe it might?

I allow myself to talk to myself in the car, in the shower, and when I’m addressing my cats. Otherwise, no.

Any time I talk to myself outside those exceptions, I make myself write down exactly what I said, the time, the circumstance. I meant this as a tool for tracking my triggers, but just having to write it down and look at it is a powerful deterrent.

Hope it gets better for you.

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It got a little better after I posted that. I’ve only goofed up a couple times in the last hour. Tomorrow will be better…