Bat shyt GD crazy

Unusual Beliefs
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This is the craziest I have ever felt since I got ill a year and a half ago. I have clocked hours talking to my audience. It’s always in private, so I guess I am not ‘that’ crazy, but it’s still an insane way to behave. I feel compelled. It’s like an OCD. Usually I do it but can curtail it pretty good. The last 2 days though it has affected my ability to do my homework even. I don’t remember it being that bad. I’m always a little nutty but this is straight up f*king cray. I always acknowledge my delusional audience but the last 2 days have been exaggerated for me. Nothing anyone can do about it. I go to therapy and I take my meds. I will bring it up when I see my therapist again. I am also going to take an extra 1mg risperidone tonight. I talk about everything from my abusive childhood to my theories on improving human behavior through voluntary training to how pissed I am that I can’t have my money to give to my poor, suffering family.

I am venting. I wish my brain would stop feeling so compelled. It really is like an OCD for me. Difficult to overcome.

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My gal talks all the time because she is lonely and it helps her focus.

Jayster

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Hug tight! Sounds really rough.

I don’t know if any of this will help you, but I made rules for myself about when I was allowed to talk to myself out loud. I know it’s not the same thing - I didn’t have a perceived audience - but maybe it might?

I allow myself to talk to myself in the car, in the shower, and when I’m addressing my cats. Otherwise, no.

Any time I talk to myself outside those exceptions, I make myself write down exactly what I said, the time, the circumstance. I meant this as a tool for tracking my triggers, but just having to write it down and look at it is a powerful deterrent.

Hope it gets better for you.

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It got a little better after I posted that. I’ve only goofed up a couple times in the last hour. Tomorrow will be better…

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