My 72 hour hold ended and i was released. First thing i got was mcdonalds (yuck) and went to saturday night jive (AA). I don’t know how to proceed with life. Thats, what, my 5th hospitalization. It feels like clockwork now. Met some interesting people. Met a few schizophrenics. Some high functioning others not so lucky. How do i get along with my life? I have the urge to drink. And i did drink first thing when i got out (felt it as a reward). It was so weird being in AA hearing a women talk about her drinking stories. I wish she talked more on why she drank. Obviously it was to escape the pain called life. At least school starts Monday so i’ll have schedule i guess. It will be so weird going back to class Monday seeing people ive seen for the past 8 weeks knowing my spring break was spent in the hospital. Or most of it at least. Got some reading done that i needed to for school. The musician Fela Kuti described prison as the inside world and the rest as the outside crazy world. That feels right even hospitalized. I just don’t know how to feel. How do i go on with life with so many attempts at my own life and so many times spent inside a hospital. It just feels weird. It hit me the first couple hours i was in the ER that all that occured was more scarring. I might try to buy some makeup for my arm to try and cover it up. Its gonna be a long sleeve summer this year i guess. How can i live my life knowing im schizoa while most of the world looks at me like a lunatic. I feel like a leper an outsider. Not ready for life. But it keeps moving forward with or without me. I learn more compassion with each hospitalization but how many does it take to figure out myself. How many holds must i go through to finally realize im not worthless. That killing myself isn’t the answer. After my 3rd it just felt like clockwork. Just apart of my time. I finally figured out why people try to stop people from ending it. Its because thy know they could meet their demise any second and knowing another human is going through the same struggle is comforting. Thats probably not the answer but its logical. I wish the voices would stop too. They raised the dosage on some of my meds which helps i guess but i still feel empty on the inside. Like a faulty machine that doesn’t produce a valueable product. How do i go on knowing im faulty and malfunctioning as a human. I feel that way all the time. Maybe its part of “the larger lesson” but most of the times i feel incomplete. Like somethings missing. I always complain how im alone but when im with people i complain how it feels artificial so how do i move forward? How does love reach me in a way that i find all this worth it?
You know, every one, even normies, feel like they don’t know how to deal with the world. What you go through just makes it a little more difficult, but not impossible. You can beat the odds and become a marvelous person, or you can succumb to the despair.
I’m glad you’re out of the hospital, take care of yourself.
A big hug!
2 Likes
Glad you you’re out of the hospital. I think that focusing on school starting Monday is a good plan as it gives you something concrete to work on. Hope you continue to feel better. Take care.
2 Likes
I used to seek the company of others, only to want to get away when I got it. It’s a painful experience. You get over it in time. As for the love, think about giving love, not just receiving it.
2 Likes