I have a spark of life left inside me and in my brain… These people are going to intentionally or unintentionally snuff out. Just like they did in school. Some people thought I was an ashole in school. I’m not perfect but the only reasons they thought that back then was because I was painfully shy, my family didn’t have extra money so when I needed eyeglasses, all my parents could afford for me was some ugly, black, thick, plastic frame. And I didn’t talk to anyone but a couple of friends. So this made me an ashole.
I thought I outgrew that stuff, but its high school all over again except the stakes are higher But I got out today, I drove downtown to Fedex to copy some papers that the property manager at my new digs requested. But I couldn’t find parking. Some event is happening in downtown San Jose today and every parking spot in a square mile was taken. I circled around looking down every street looking for parking for more than half a hour with no luck. I finally gave up and drove to Walgreen’s to pick up some necessities and came home. now its nap time and I will hit Fedex later.
I have done stuff this past year that I never thought I could do. I’m proud of myself. I know no one in real life wants to see me learn anything or succeed in a human, personal level. My favorite, favorite thing in life is when I get real in life by talking (JUST talking) to a girl and being friendly or greeting the mailman or the guy delivering medications and I see the look on peoples faces that they don’t want me to do good. If we talk about real, my last hospitalization was pretty real. When the homeless guy 6 feet away from me in the dorms lost control and screamed and yelled and it took 6 burly orderlies to retrain him and take him to the quiet room.
It wax real when i was in the psyche ward and I was sleeping in a dorm room with twenty mentally ill strangers who acted so crazy that I was scared about going to sleep. I
But I’m sure a few of you can relate to having friends who would rather see you down, than up. When even your friends wish you bad when you do some cool thing. I live for the moments when I do good but my great friends and neighbors get that look of disappointment that I something cool… OK. OK. I promise you will not here this crap for another two weeks. Life is not all about frequent violence and women and drama and power. Life is just life, mainly boring and routine and unexciting. But we all have those moments when we step up and shine.