I have a spark of life left

I have a spark of life left inside me and in my brain… These people are going to intentionally or unintentionally snuff out. Just like they did in school. Some people thought I was an ashole in school. I’m not perfect but the only reasons they thought that back then was because I was painfully shy, my family didn’t have extra money so when I needed eyeglasses, all my parents could afford for me was some ugly, black, thick, plastic frame. And I didn’t talk to anyone but a couple of friends. So this made me an ashole.

I thought I outgrew that stuff, but its high school all over again except the stakes are higher But I got out today, I drove downtown to Fedex to copy some papers that the property manager at my new digs requested. But I couldn’t find parking. Some event is happening in downtown San Jose today and every parking spot in a square mile was taken. I circled around looking down every street looking for parking for more than half a hour with no luck. I finally gave up and drove to Walgreen’s to pick up some necessities and came home. now its nap time and I will hit Fedex later.

I have done stuff this past year that I never thought I could do. I’m proud of myself. I know no one in real life wants to see me learn anything or succeed in a human, personal level. My favorite, favorite thing in life is when I get real in life by talking (JUST talking) to a girl and being friendly or greeting the mailman or the guy delivering medications and I see the look on peoples faces that they don’t want me to do good. If we talk about real, my last hospitalization was pretty real. When the homeless guy 6 feet away from me in the dorms lost control and screamed and yelled and it took 6 burly orderlies to retrain him and take him to the quiet room.

It wax real when i was in the psyche ward and I was sleeping in a dorm room with twenty mentally ill strangers who acted so crazy that I was scared about going to sleep. I

But I’m sure a few of you can relate to having friends who would rather see you down, than up. When even your friends wish you bad when you do some cool thing. I live for the moments when I do good but my great friends and neighbors get that look of disappointment that I something cool… OK. OK. I promise you will not here this crap for another two weeks. Life is not all about frequent violence and women and drama and power. Life is just life, mainly boring and routine and unexciting. But we all have those moments when we step up and shine.


Are you sure people have it out for you or are you reading into it too much?

I find it funny that people thought you were an ■■■■■■■ because you only talked to a few people.

People thought I was a loser, not an ■■■■■■■ for that. Quite different from one another.

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Well, @77nick77, to some extent I like a good amount of the clients at the recovery center. But, I think there’s still a lot that I could never really be close friends with. Some of them are too much about their faith, a few look like trouble and even both, some of them. But, I know we are alone in this life no matter how close we get to any one person, romantic partner. It doesn’t mean most of us don’t have relationships, just at our most fundamental core, we are “alone”.

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I understand what you’re saying. and I know how it sounds.I know people are not plotting against me or picking on me per se or that everybody is thinking about me. But I live in close quarters here. And I’ve said before that people here can be really cool here and polite. I don’t know if the women respect me here but they are friendly. Amazingly so. But there is a lot of drama nonetheless and no one does drugs overtly but from the way they dress and act chances are theres at least drinking and pot smoking here. I know the signs from my own experience with drugs in the past. and the cops have had to come here more than once. So, I know I am not being targeted. I feel I am being singled out occasionally. And yes, intentionally or unintentionally all the people here are crammed in a semi-dangerous neighborhood in a small space with no jobs and no money. Stuff boils over frequently here. Two weeks.

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two weeks, that’s it! just two weeks.