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Not to be too egotistical.
I had fun when I was a teen before I got sick. But I was never a member of any “clique” or group. I wasn’t a jock, even though I went out ONE year for the school soccer team. I wasn’t an intellectual although I’ve always been told I’m intelligent. I wasn’t a geek because I hung out with cool people and wasn’t all about schoolwork, even though I read virtually every day for as long as I can remember. And finally, I was not a stoner. That was my last resort but I didn’t even fit in with them. The stoners were the cool people who were always getting high, and all the stoner guys messed around with all the same stoner girls. I partied with them, I bought pot from them, I SOLD pot to them, but I was not one of them, I was an outsider even to the outsiders.
But in my defense, for someone who was not good looking, who was socially awkward around people I didn’t know well, who had little confidence, was not a natural athlete, and had little self-esteem, Despite all those drawbacks, I had many good times as a young adult and had many good experiences and hung around some cool people. I partied, I played sports, I went to the beach a lot and went hiking in the mountains. I got my first car when I was seventeen and drove up to see the Rolling Stones in concert in Oakland Colosseum… I took some LSD first and I could still feel it as I drove home with my friend. But yeah, tripping with 60,000 other people in a baseball stadium. But I got around. I hung out with a guy who had a low-rider. Now I’m not being racist but in MY town only hardcore Mexicans from the East-side of town drove low-riders. But there I was anyway. My friend even let me drive it once while I was on Magic Mushrooms. I have had MANY experiences even after I got sick. I’ve flown across the country a few times with my dad. I was best man at his wedding in Las Vegas to my step-mom. I have gambled in Reno quite a few times, AFTER I got sick, mind you. I have been to too many restaurants to count. Comedy clubs, an airshow, I was at the beach when I was about thirty with my sister, her husband, and a few other people in Santa Cruz, CA and there was an arm wrestling contest taking place. On a whim, I entered and had three matches on a raised stage in front of a hundred beach-goers on the Boardwalk. Unfortunately I got my ass kicked but I got a t-shirt out of it. But I’ve been to many parties (sober ) and social events. I don’t like to glorify drugs but in my addiction days my dad once commented that I lived life in the fast lane for four years. And he said that when he actually only knew the tip of the iceberg about my days abusing powder cocaine and crack. Enough said about those days.
I hate to make myself look bad, but I’ve been isolating for awhile now. I go to work three days a week, I go to my sisters and occasionally up north to my moms. I do lots of errands though. I have to. My entertainment is walking to the store for a coke or going through the drive-thru. I take drives and occasionally I will sit out at a cafe and enjoy a cup of coffee. Things come up like family events in restaurants, or holidays. I talked to my neighbor earlier this evening. And said a friendly hello to a few others. THIS is the person I want to be. A depression group I go to seems like a good idea. To get me in the swing of things again. I’ve been shirking my AA meetings for a length of time. It’s time to hit one.
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Everything’s a piece of life.