Identity Instability

I know this isn’t a symptom of Sz but it’s something I live with and just felt like putting it out there…even though I’m sure I have in some form before.

Basically I have very little idea of who I am, have never found a niche or anything of the sort that’s been anything remotely conventional or even when found hasn’t eventually fallen apart ending with me withdrawing from the world again for another several years. This is far more painful to live with than you may think…it can be a daily living hell.

I guess I’ve been rather eccentric when I’ve managed to find the freedom and comfort level to be “myself”…maybe I always was. But there is also a deep seated discomfort and self consciousness which leads me to try to conform, and I conform in the moment so to speak. There’s nothing consistent, or very little at least, to who I am, I am a bit of you while trying my best to stay true to me, so as far as relationships with others this is extremely difficult, leading to spending far too much time alone.

It’s not like I’m 15 and it’s like “well, you just have to go out there and find yourself…and this is normal” I have lived (some if not a lot considering my situation) though I’ve never managed to stake a claim out there and support myself. I’m in my early 30’s now and it’s something I just live with. It has caused unfathomable pain and lead me to lose close friends (because I can and have got close with others) Compromise what self worth and do things that I can’t sanely look back on happening.

And as far as reputation, I fear that was long ago ruined as reputation wasn’t even seemingly something I have even been aware of in at least an extremely long time.

I think I can relate. I think I can be such a people pleaser. Lately, now that I’m not being denigrated as much, I now feel the opposite is true. It feels like being placed on a pedestal and the pressure is too much. I just bombed at the talent show again, yesterday and decided to never try again. For the longest time, I think I’ve been aware of my own limitations. But other people are trying to challenge that and all I want is peace of mind. I just simply need to say “no” more often and have it be heard.

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@mussel, I’m 48 and I totally relate. It may not be a symptom of schizohrenia, but I do believe it’s a consequence. My experience has been that I haven’t been “normal” for the majority of my life, so fitting in, when I did try, always had to include making myself look as normal as I could, thus denying myself. It rarely feels great and only ends well in relationships that survive my “outing” of my real self. Now I’m getting older and after years of behaving myself I’m quite domesticated. I don’t have extreme eccentricities, but I do spend a lot of time alone because being with “normal” people is exhausting. Having said that, I would recommend that you join a gym, a club of sme sort, a support group, and/or take some classes. There are lots of people out there. And, although I have come to accept, enjoy, and need my alone time, I also enjoy being with people in controled environments such as work, or the gym, or church. Exploring your interests and giving yourself a focus will naturally bring people into your life who share atleast that interest. Other than that, be kind to yourself.

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