Dear all, my evenings are hell. Plus I get it every evening almost. I have this fear even from the people on the tv, cause I think how I am gonna socialize one day with them, regarding that the others can insult me, or hurt me, or all the other normie things outside… I try to give myself courage, but my fear is so strong for some 4, 5 hours in the evenings, that I am scotched to my bed. It feels a lot like I am living in my head then. I guess paranoid ruminating…
But gosh, its so bad then… I also feel guilty that I cant move then by this fear, that I remain passive, so I think of this too…
I saw scared people like me in the hospitals. They were hiding behind the doors, or were scotched at their beds like this, but can this fade away with time on meds?
And you, who have it like this, I wish you health too. I feel bad to be such a coward. My mom tries to push me, but its not working. Even the docs finished to be pushy… But I don’t need this.
I wonder also if it could be the Zyprexa which causes me more fear, but everybody says no.
I cant fall asleep too early. Plus, I feel fear in the day too. I am tired of it I am sure that if I move my regimen, ill have it in other hours…
I am destroyed tbh. My docs say I am not so hard case, but it feels like this. I already scared people with my fear outside, they didn’t know what to do.
whatever… I am tired of fighting. I am tired of being called strong, when I cant even go out on a coffee outside. I am not strong to have had 17 years in isolation. All my ill friends do something. Me, no… and I cant follow advices. I just want to not have fear and my related pains…
thanks chordy. I regret my post, cause I cant do much with my fear. I just sit here etc. But I am unhappy since kid, so tired of fighting. I am alone too I guess. Did you personnaly was afraid so much, even from the people on the tv? Is it strange that the meds don’t relieve this?
Well, I think how I gave up 17 years ago. I am ill since kid, so I fighted in a way, without knowing that I shouldn’t feel like this. My parents didn’t see anything. My father was occupied to be abusive towards my mom and my sis… And when I got 20, I gave up. I didn’t think about my future at all then. Now, I think. Its normal. But sometimes everything in my sz is so bad, that I am very worried, yes…
People, get treated earlier, fight earlier, cause youll be like me. I am unable to see my friends cause too paranoid. I have one friend left who visits me still. The others, they don’t do it anymore and I don’t blame them anymore. I guess an illness is unpleasant always for the others…
I feel like an animal often, I feel guilt yes. My mind ruminates like hell in the evenings and its almost paranoia. And if I get better, I will still be like an e.t. outside, cause ive missed too much… And this is not good for the brain. My brain was inactive for years, yes… Only negative thoughts…
Plus, I think now that everybody around me knows that I am sz. I showed myself as it, when my diagnosis popped up… Bunch of people blocked me on facebook, cause I was aggressive verbally. Never physically. But still not nice. They could have thoughts of talking to me, calm me down, but no… But no. I was too naïve before. I thought the most people would be nice to me, but the world is not turning like this. I regret now that maybe somebody dislikes me outside, but whatever. 17 years of isolation for god sake… How I should swallow this too?
Yes, I am afraid so much that my rapid heart beat is considered normal for me. I’m trying to slow down. But, yes, I am afraid. True life is a fearful thing. And people aren’t necessarily nice. I just keep trying to soften the head ache.
we all feel fear anna different kinds,i have fear for the work(if ill manage to be good at it) i have fear that iam getting old soon ill be 44,the secret is to ignore it at first its hard but then it gets easier.
iam sorry i read u are sad try cheer up life is not always raiining.
yeah, my ambitions suck… I know. But I have nothing in life anymore. No job, no family, almost no friends… and to get better, I need some of these… I am lower than the grass sometimes, but its tough to be so alone. Ive spent 17 ears like this, people. Its too much
I get almost suicidal still… I cant see the light. But laros, your message cheerd me up a bit yeap. I hate that I complain here.
u can complain as much as u want we all complain what iam thinking on u is that u dont want to loose rest of your life.try put aside past and bother your mind with present , things could be better things could be worst.
do small steps on things do matter on u small everyday things before u do the step like before to sleep imagine ull doing it so ull prepare yourself.
nothing can stop u (except yourself ) to go out for an example or to talk to people we all fear the unknown but if u do it and if u do it many times ull see it gets known.(so ull see how small fence it was)
be strong for u not for others we all have moments we feeling weak and even desperate with no one to call.its not a big deal if u have no one u have us in here .
when u are sick bed is a comfort when u are always sick bed is a trap.(one of my silly sayings)
cheer up girl
Anna1:
I feel touched by your suffering, because I have felt the same for 42 years. I have only been on Zyprexa for about 20 years. When I was younger, I had several breakdowns, and had to be hospitalized. It was bad, and it still is. It’s hard to go to a clubhouse or belong to an organization for mental illness, because the people, are they real? I encourage you to continue to participate here, because you are releasing your thoughts. For many years I kept journals, and it is best to write with a pen or pencil. There’s some information that states that that helps the brain.
I believe you are doing great just expressing your feelings to us. Thank you.
Fran
If it helps you to know this, there are a lot of people who are afraid like you. I know I am. It can get better, though. As I got older I lost that desperate feeling of life passing me by. That’s something you can look forward to as you get older - a growing contentment.
Thank you, dear @fran48laredo, very loving message, thanks . Well, lately I suffer the hell, cause I worry for my future in the evenings. I didn’t care about it before, so I lost my youth in isolation. Now I care. But I got a bit old. I am 36 and I have the interest to recover fastly if I want something in life. My situation is very bad in reality. I almost cant take care of myself. I get paranoid around people, so I always rush or just don’t do lots of things. I am scared about my ‘‘dead’’ brain, which I neglected for so long, that I suffer from some kind of dumbness. Its hard to recover. I wonder how many years it will take me, if there will be some recovery. Unfortunately, I see it in some 5 or even 10 years and this is a problem, ill be too old.
Otherwise, the stays in the hospital never helped me. Even my pdoc ended up by saying that in my case the meds are not big help.
I am afraid about my thoughts. They are dumb, I lack certainty and self confidence even in my thoughts. How to live when always being so low? I don’t even talk about my paranoia, which makes me hide even from the neighbours behind my curtains…
Do somebody here believe that I can recover faster than 5 years lol? Did the isolation made me worse? Cause its been 17 years of isolation, it was like death sentence…
I am sure that if I move my regimen, ill have it in other hours…
. Well, lately I suffer the hell, cause I worry for my future in the evenings. I didn’t care about it before, so I lost my youth in isolation. Now I care. But I got a bit old. I am 36 and I have the interest to recover fastly if I want something in life. My situation is very bad in reality. I almost cant take care of myself. I get paranoid around people, so I always rush or just don’t do lots of things. I am scared about my ‘‘dead’’ brain, which I neglected for so long, that I suffer from some kind of dumbness. Its hard to recover. I wonder how many years it will take me, if there will be some recovery. Unfortunately, I see it in some 5 or even 10 years and this is a problem, ill be too old.