I am alone at home, it is 1am and I have plenty of time to write what I want bcuz hubby isn’t here. In a crazy turn of events, he went into hospital (for a week) instead of me, but not bcuz he is sick, but bcuz they want to do routine diagnostic tests to see if they can operate on his epilepsy, which is uncontrolled by meds.
So I am taking a break, but at home not in hospital. yesterday went ok, I walked to the library and walked home on the beach. the weather was warm and there was only the faintest breeze, and the water was so warm I could have swum. I had new books to read and looked at TV, and watched Girl Interrupted again last night. So yesterday alone, I coped ok.
Its only the first night alone, so I don’t know how my mental state will be over the next week hubby is away. I am holding thumbs I don’t have an episode and cut, already the voices scream hypocrite, I cant get that belief out of my head, I am a f***ing hypocrite no matter what anyone says, and to prove I am not I have to cut.
Right now as I sit typing I don’t have the urge to cut, but I am a hypocrite and am losing the battle to prove I am not. I am a hippie-crit lol Fk I can’t prove otherwise, except to cut and only lasts a little while then hypocrite comes back, I just have to accept I always will be one. I feel I don’t need my meds bcuz im a hypocrite, im not really ill. Am I? What the fk is wrong with me???
The thoughts and voices sound like a record player on repeat. “You’re not really hearing voices, you are just faking it! Hypocrite! Liar!” There’s an alien being in my brain wanting to attack me. Two bodies in one brain - me and Alien - and his cronies. I suppose that’s all I can say.
Goodnight - or good morning! Wherever you are