I am alone at home, it is 1am and I have plenty of time to write what I want bcuz hubby isn’t here. In a crazy turn of events, he went into hospital (for a week) instead of me, but not bcuz he is sick, but bcuz they want to do routine diagnostic tests to see if they can operate on his epilepsy, which is uncontrolled by meds.
So I am taking a break, but at home not in hospital. yesterday went ok, I walked to the library and walked home on the beach. the weather was warm and there was only the faintest breeze, and the water was so warm I could have swum. I had new books to read and looked at TV, and watched Girl Interrupted again last night. So yesterday alone, I coped ok.
Its only the first night alone, so I don’t know how my mental state will be over the next week hubby is away. I am holding thumbs I don’t have an episode and cut, already the voices scream hypocrite, I cant get that belief out of my head, I am a f***ing hypocrite no matter what anyone says, and to prove I am not I have to cut.
Right now as I sit typing I don’t have the urge to cut, but I am a hypocrite and am losing the battle to prove I am not. I am a hippie-crit lol Fk I can’t prove otherwise, except to cut and only lasts a little while then hypocrite comes back, I just have to accept I always will be one. I feel I don’t need my meds bcuz im a hypocrite, im not really ill. Am I? What the fk is wrong with me???
The thoughts and voices sound like a record player on repeat. “You’re not really hearing voices, you are just faking it! Hypocrite! Liar!” There’s an alien being in my brain wanting to attack me. Two bodies in one brain - me and Alien - and his cronies. I suppose that’s all I can say.
Im a bit worried about you not taking your meds - the best thing you could do right now is to lift off and just take them…this might stop the voices calling you a hippocrite - hope your night goes better
Hey Saadiqah, those thoughts/voices are wrong and cruel. You are certainly not a hypocrite in my book. The voices are the true liars. You don’t deserve this abuse from them or alien.
Maybe it would be a good idea to look into taking meds again?
Well, I wish you a good day and the best of luck
I’m sorry you are suffering. I just want to say that even if you really are a hypocrite it doesn’t mean you have to cut. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you are a hypocrite. You might be and you might not be. But everybody has character defects. No one is perfect ,we all have problems and things that we hate about ourselves. But even if we hate ourselves it doesn’t mean we have to cut. Nothing is worth cutting about. You need to find a healthy alternative outlet for your feelings. I know I don’t know much about cutting except running into a dozen or so people who did it in my 35 years of having schizophrenia and living in hospitals and group homes and I have met some people who cut in vocational programs or day programs. I won’t pretend I have the answer or solution to your problems but I hope what I wrote made sense,
I do know about cutting, @Hadeda. It’s an addiction. It triggers a chemical reaction in your brain that calms you and makes you feel good. It’s not a form of punishment. It’s a drug that makes you feel crappy and ashamed once the effect has passed, and frightens and hurts your loved ones. It doesn’t prove anything to anyone.
You’re not doing anything good when you cut. You’re not showing your voices anything. You’re not punishing yourself for hypocrisy. You’re just self-medicating in a dangerous and scary way.
Maybe it will help you to think of it that way - it’s not different from getting drunk or shooting up to stop the pain. You need to be stronger than it. If you can’t be, you need to talk to your doctor and let him help you.
Best wishes, sweetheart. I know how hard it is. Message me any time if you need to talk.
Cuting is very bad, its been a while since I did it, but for a long time cut all the time, ebcuase it made the feelings go away fro a while. now I can’t wear shorts because the scars on my legs look someone was playing count the days. counted them all once…1,233, from knee to ankle, over the course of three years. not as bad as some people, I know, but I cut deeper than most, deep enough to have learned how to stitch myself up if need be…
point is it s a dangerous trap, don’t fall into it, because the relief is only short lived and not worth the scarring (physical and mental)
Hi. Everybody is a hypocrite to some extent. People sometimes fit into two sided categories and sometimes they don’t. People have multiple dimensions and not everybody fits into a one sided category. And you’re just like them. So don’t be so hard on yourself, no matter what the voices say. You’re special person and I believe in you’re gonna go far.
The great majority of us have been hypocrites in one way or another at some time in our lives, unless we’ve lived a life like Ghandi or Mother Theresa. Holding yourself accountable to high standards is good, but it is destructive when you beat yourself over the head with it. Maybe you could acknowledge your voices and then dismiss them. Say to them, “Yes, I have been a hypocrite in some ways, but I am still a good person.” It’s not like you stole social security checks from elderly cititzens.
If you have played around with your meds you will feel like crap. Once you get back to the right dosage again that you are suppose to take, it can take a while for that ■■■■ feeling to go away. It can take anything from a week to a couple of weeks to get stable on your meds again. Hang in there. I’m sure you will start to feel better soon. …
Fk I can’t prove otherwise, except to cut and only lasts a little while then hypocrite comes back, I just have to accept I always will be one. I feel I don’t need my meds bcuz im a hypocrite, im not really ill. Am I? What the fk is wrong with me???
