Abortion while psychotic TW

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When I was hearing voices, gun shots, screams and moans 24/7 and delusional ,psychotic, sick and feeling tortured by the nasty hurtful voices I had a abortion.

I regret it and don’t think I would have done it if I was not so sick.

My family said I can’t even take care of myself and pretty much yelled at me and were nasty to me that I had no options but to have a abortion but I wish I was strong enough to stand up to them and give birth to our baby boy.

I know he was a boy.:heart:

I sometimes imagine that he miraculously survived but I don’t think about it otherwise.

It will come of no good if I do anyway.

I loved his father and our hearts clicked when we made love and I cried on his face and became pregnant.

I never told my boyfriend because I heard his mum saying awful things as part of my voices and I thought he and his friends said they would kill me etc.

I wish I could have turned to him and that our son would be born and loved and raised by us and we could have fixed our problems improved ourselves…
We could have been good to and for each other.

I should not have been a binge drinker but the only time I did not hear voices back then was when I was asleep or really drunk.

I am going to write a card telling my x boyfriend I had many years ago and wish him well.

I hope he and I can be in peace with one another.

I saw a animal show on tv and how the males take care of the young penguins and think if he could have taken our baby in a incubator or something till he slowly built strength and grew…if he could have part in it but it was all on me somehow.

It felt very loving and peaceful to be with this x and he was a touch kinky but there was so much love and good spirits , good energy.

Our son would have been a teenager now.

I really felt so tortured by the voices etc and was drinking a lot of alcohol to cope(binge drinking).

I was going to ask Anders to help me raise him but Couldn’t get the words out.

This x (D) even spoke about marrying me.
If we did not drink alcohol or if I didn’t then maybe we would have married and had our son and worked through our problems.

It sucks that my family were yelling at me that I have no choice and I have to abort because I can’t even take care of myself.

I could barely leave my apartment for periods back then.
It was awful.

I have never cried on another mans face with a heart click.

The abortion was in Sweden.

I think I could have become a good mum if I stopped alcohol etc which I now have.
I nolonger drink alcohol.

Now I have had ovarian cancer and had my ovaries removed so I will not be able to have children.

I was bad but I was suffering so much and was pretty bossed about such as I used to do things my mum n grandma told me to do as I could not stand up to them when they were :rage:.
I was a total push over and maybe still am.
Trying to change that.

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It was probably to kinky for me had he wanted to do things with me I not ok with though but he never did and never tried to make me and I was not keen on his pornography.
I rather my partner not watch it I think.

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I had a miscarriage at 19.
At the time, I was very sad about it even though no one knew. It still hurts a bit sometimes, but looking back I wasn’t able to care for a baby properly.
Children need a lot of nurturing, and they need healthy parents to provide good examples of how to live their lives. Children also add a lot of stress, which I’m still not sure I can handle.

As terrible advice as it is, try not to dwell on it. It wasn’t meant to be, and you can always adopt.

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I’m sorry you went through this. I’m sorry for your loss. The loss of a potential future baby is horrible. You find yourself wondering who they would have been. It’s terrible that you feel your family left you no option. I know exactly how you feel. Try not to be too sad and I hope you feel better.

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Thank you!:heart:

15151515

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@Truemist8
I’m so sorry for the death of your child! It sounds like you love him very much! I’m sure you are still grieving and mourning, even these years later.

It is common for family to pressure someone into getting an abortion. It is not right. It is an injustice. You were wronged.

Have you received support to process your grief? There are a number of places who offer counseling and post-abortion help. It is never too late. You need to heal.

A counseling center can help you construct a letter to your ex. I think you should wait and receive help in writing it. They can counsel you and what to say and what not to say. It could be devastating for him. You don’t know what his reaction to it will be, and you don’t know if you are prepared for it. It could lead you into further despair. Please don’t do this alone.

Do you have any questions we can help answer?

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I’m not sure what I said on this thread that got me flagged, but I want you to know I meant no harm. I’m so sorry you were bothered by my post. I will try not to say anything offensive in the future.

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I did not flag you.

I loved your post that I read.

It said my son is probably in heaven with forgiveness and love in his heart for me.

I don’t know what happened but I did not knowingly flag you.

Thank you guys for such compassionate posts with understanding and kindness.

I was unable to do my grocery shopping back then and could for time periods not leave my apartment at all.
It went in periods but I had the voices 24/7 etc for years.

I do love him very very much and dearly.

I just felt like I had no one to turn to as my mum and grandma had made their minds up what I was to do and I was not strong enough to stand up to them specially with all the voices and screams etc

I don’t think of him often.
Maybe I think it’s better that way.
But ofcourse I love him and hold him high.:two_hearts:

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Don’t ever be hard on yourself. Everyone of us goes through hard times in our lives and everyone of us makes decisions that we later wish we had not. We’re not perfect. Some would say you made the right decision. What matters is that you did the best you could during a hard time. Your heart is in the right place. You’re not a bad person. I’ve made decisions that to some would be good and to others would be bad. We all have. But I know I did my best in those situations and I know you did too.

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I’m sorry for your loss. I have had multiple miscarriages. I realized my last try, that I wouldn’t be successful again. But I do have two beautiful girls.

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I’m sorry @Truemist8.

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I got pretty choked up by all you’ve gone through. I’m so sorry. :broken_heart:
((Hugs))

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