A mistake is like a cake

My kid sis has a new boss who is pretty out there. Used to be a beach guard in San Diego and Miami and might have been out in the sun too long. But this boss is very cool.

Her new saying is don’t a let a mistake define your opinion of a person. A mistake is like a cake there are a host of ingredients that made it. It’s not the definition of a person, it’s just one frame in the movie of their life.

(Yes… lifeguards are weird. Really… if you hang out with them… they are different. It comes from spending hours of staring into the water.)

I’m trying to keep this saying in mind as I deal with a family situation. It’s just a result of many ingredients coming together at once… it is not the definition or the person as a whole. It’s the result of the situation…

My brother was involuntarily committed this month and he’s going through detox and eventually they will be able to start to figure out how to help him. I told my parents I might not be up for seeing him too soon and the parents both said… We understand, you can only do what you can do and if you can’t do it… then you can’t do it.

Later through the meal last night my kid sis admitted to being rather afraid of our brother after being through what she’s been through and she thought it over, articulated it and decided that she was NOT going to go see him right off when that call comes.

My Mom took my sis into the back room and then proceeded to Yell at her. Lunar Eclipses happen far more often then my Mom’s yelling.

But Dad and I sat at the table listening to my Mom yell at my kid sis… That she didn’t have a mental illness so she better just suck it up and show up with bells on when that call comes. There were lot’s of “How dare you turn you back on your brother” and other such rants. It was 20 minutes of no sympathy. Eventually Dad went in as busted it up.

My Mom is a good person. She has used her energy to get all of us through some hellish times. She has stood by our side and defend and educated and used her fast acting cobra power and saved our lives. I do like my Mom. 99.9% of the time, my Mom is pretty amazing.

I tried to talk to my sis about this but I got hit with the “a mistake is a cake” philosophy.

When I tried to give my sis a hug she said No, she’s stronger then this. Then I got hit with the lighthouse attitude. I guess there are different expectations for different kids. I wonder if that is a good thing.

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Your mom is wrong in my opinion.

Spare your brother and see what happens, it will just get worse.

Someone does something wrong you have to show them what it was, spare them and nothing changes.

Mom’s do that to often, they sympathize with the rebellious ones to much, and in doing so they screw them up. They will yell in your face that you are hurting them after they beat the living crap out of you.


I think your mom is great however I don’t agree with her on this. Forcing sis to see him when she is not ready and not acknowledging her right to be afraid is in my opinion wrong. Her feelings are being put on the back burner as being not important. This will not help her anorexia at all and may actually hurt her recovery. I can see why she didn’t want a hug. It may have been too much and caused her to break or cry. She is being told to be stronger and now shoulder her other brother. You can’t do that and fall apart at the same time. Poor sis. Now she feels like she has done wrong by trying to make her own feelings important and they should be important too. I’m afraid that is as nice as I can say it. Hopefully she stands up for herself and doesn’t see him until she is ready.


It’s sort of odd to me that there is a new member who is talking about words separating man from realism.

Because my Dad is an art teacher, my sis will use pictures as an explanation. She printed out and gave me this picture again…

then she said… “need I say more?”

Yes… because I have no idea how to respond to, comfort or help this.

I can only guess at what the picture means. One small lighthouse against all of those crashing waves. I’m guessing she may be feeling pretty alone. I want to say so much… So I will just say maybe your parents need to remember she is only 17 and not wonder woman.


You know, come to think of it, I’m pretty proud of my sis. I could imagine a lot of people storming off in a huff. But she’s sort of giving Mom the benefit of the doubt.

The door is still open…

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I have to say when I first read what your mom did to your sis, I was really taken aback and felt bad for your sister. I know from what you say your mom is great, so I’m really scratching my head on this one.

I don’t blame your sis one bit for being reluctant to go see him. I would feel exactly the same.

My daughter didn’t want to go see her brother either after he had done some really mean things to her. Although I was sad over everything, I didn’t blame her and respected her feelings on the subject. Your mom should respect kid sis’ feelings - she deserves that.

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If I was kidsis I would be a little worried about my safety if I saw the brother alone.
If she says the wrong thing is he going to hit her? Or scare her?


Thankfully she won’t be alone with him. But that might not stop him from hitting her again. One quick punch and it’s broken glasses again.

Thank you Nick, you have given me an idea.

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Your mom maybe wonderful for her boys, but for her daughter, not.
Sis is only doing as told and putting up a good gameface rather than trusting her own senses.
This is exactly the perfect training needed for a hidden abusive relationship to flourish.
Not good.

Want to see sis miserable many years later when she continues to put herself last and accepts another persons reality over her own?

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About that comment on mistakes like a cake, depending on the ingredient altered, it makes all the difference in the world in what it produces.
Have you ever left flour out of the recipe? You’d be hard pressed to call it a cake. Add way too much flour and you get a brick.
No sugar? Ick.

People do make mistakes, and the important thing is what they do about them. Your brother has a lot of work to do to gain your sisters trust, but trust isn’t given- it’s earned.
He hurt her. She should be the one who decides when he is allowed back into her life.


i think in my opinion your mum was out of line, i personally think your mum was at breaking point and took it out on your sis because of what she said…
we are all human, fragile and faulty at times…but your mum needs to recognise that she has an amazing daughter who has the right to her own voice and opinions and not everything is about family.
just my opinion. hugs to your sis.
take care

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