I’m thinking of killing myself because I’m fed up with the side effects of the medication and the illness itself. I’m being treated as a second class relative or son by my family, and they don’t realize that I wake up with severe headaches and dizziness, and that 90% of the time my mind is filled with bad memories traumas and misinterpretations. They don’t realize that sometimes I can’t move out of bed except to eat or go to the bathroom. I can’t do the things I used to enjoy like reading a nice book, going to the gym, watching a movie…etc. I had to withdraw from graduate school because of my illness and that it led to poor academic performance. I also had a shouting incident with someone in the university so they removed me from the program after finishing 75% of it. My illness symptoms were fine prior to starting this graduate program, and I didn’t suffer from delusions or misinterpretations and didn’t even had to take the medicine to rest my mind. Now and during the program, I suffered delusions and misinterpretations, and of course the severe side effects of the medication (Trifluperazine and now Haloperidol). My academic performance went down the hill at the beginning of the program but then I started working hard and started improving my grades. Unfortunately, I have this weird thing of misinterpreting the timestamps of emails or phone calls (i.e. someone calling you or emailing you at 6:00 pm, I interpret 6 as sex not the number six. Sorry for sounding crazy but it would be nice if someone explains why is this happening to me. I was just reading in a novel that it’s called schizoparagraphia). I feel crushed by life after being thrown out from the school. It doesn’t affect me professionally and I actually didn’t pay the second year fees worth $40,000+, but I still have the stigma of being a college dropout. I always excelled in my academic life and graduated cum laude with GPA of 3.57/4,00 and major GPA of 3.73/4,00. I also won a scholarship to study abroad. That was prior to getting diagnosed by schizophrenia. The degree I was studying for doesn’t affect me professionally, but it was just a personal goal that was shattered. The symptoms of my illness like delusions and misinterpretations were heightened during my studies due to the stress of studying and tough academic standards at this university. Telling the university that I have schizophrenia, which they called “serious illness”, was also a cornerstone in their decision to remove me from the university.
Now if you were in my situation, what would you do? My condition was bad during my studies, and now after discontinuing the course I feel more horrible. I’m now trying to pull myself together and start losing all the weight I gained during my studies. But I can’t even pull myself out of bed or to get out of my apartment to go to the gym or even go out to enjoy life. I feel like sh*t.
Any advice is welcome, and thanks ahead for your help.
This happened to me for a while there, but eventually passed. How long has it been happening to you?
Sometimes this illness feels like to much of a burden and we tend to focus more on our failures than on our victories leading to a depressive state. Dealing with this illness is a victory, it takes a lot of strenght, and that’s why we aren’t failures. We are winners. Is it possible for you to consider taking on college again in the future? Even if not now? A plan to overcome your failure in school is better than dwelling on the illness at home.
Thank you for your welcoming and reply. The number misinterpretation thing has been going on for about 3 or 4 years now. I brought this up to my psychiatrist and he told me to take the medication and everything will be fine. I regularly take my medication and the problem isn’t solved.
Regarding whether I can apply to schools again in the future, it is definitely doable and I can pursue the same degree again. However, after studying 75% of the degree and withdrawing with only 4 courses left, I don’t feel the need to apply or do the same degree again now. My plan is to take these courses I had left on Coursera and/or edX for a fraction of the price I would’ve paid for the school ($43000). Can you imagine paying $43000 for 4 courses, when I can take the same courses online, at my own pace, for only $50 per course? That’s why I don’t think that not completing my degree is such a failure when I don’t need it professionally and it saved me a large amount of money. I’m just sad that after all this hard work and exacerbation of my condition, I didn’t achieve the personal goal I wanted.
Hey man don’t give up. I also excelled in school at one point. I went from a 3.9 to a 2.95. I went to a top 5 math program in the country. It was competitive and amazing. I ended up being really psychotic so I had to drop out. I ended up debt free because I discharged my loans. I also suffer from no motivation ( can’t even read a book) and have cognitive decline. But it’s getting better. I’m taking recommended supplements and doing brain training games. I’m hopeful for the first time my illness started. I might even be able to go back to school someday!
Hey Astefano, thanks for your reply. What supplements are recommended for the treatment of this condition? Also, what brain training activities you do? sudoku?
I just woke up now by the way and it hits me in the head once I open my eyes that I am a failure in life and I failed people by not completing my degree (or the remaining 4 courses and attending the graduation ceremony). I try to tell myself that the pros of what happened outweigh the cons, but my mind refuses this and continues to put me down. I know this is not the end of the world, but I feel like I’ve lost a loved one and filled with grief.
You’re making a lot of sense. Maybe online education hasn’t been exploited enough for others too. You didn’t say what med’s you’re on. Maybe a med. change would help. Maybe an anti-depressant. Try not to think of killing yourself. That’s counterproductive.
I’m still aching from sadness and pain. I also don’t have it in me to do anything. please, if you have tips on how to overcome this, please let me know.
I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. I’m particularly sad to hear that your schizophrenia was part of the reason why the university dropped you; I would hope that they would work to accommodate you more. You’re obviously very intelligent and motivated.
I don’t know if what I have to say is going to be helpful in the slightest, but when I feel hatred and despair towards myself, when my negative feelings seem out of control, the best thing I can do is sit still and observe them. I just try to take in how I feel, identify why I feel that way, understand that it is a feeling blowing through and it is not me, and let it go.
When you feel like this, imagine yourself as tall grass in the wind - bend and twist and lay low as the wind pushes you, but know that the wind will pass and you’ll stand up straight again.
I am sorry you’re going through this right now. I also feel like a failure most of the time, because I lost an amazing job due to this illness. Now I barely work ten hours a week, and I might even get fired from that job. I no longer live independently, and I can’t support myself. That hurts to think about.
I have had to give up on some goals and focus on smaller, attainable goals. It helps me feel moderately successful. Washing my face every day is a goal. Taking care of my pets is a goal. Getting another job is a goal. With this illness, sometimes just surviving another day is a goal. When you get better you can start to add in bigger goals, but focus on little victories for now.
Also, hi! Welcome to the forum! You’ll find a lot of people here who are in similar situations. It makes us all feel a little more normal and accepted, just knowing there are others in the same boat as us. I hope you stick around and keep posting, because we have an awesome community here. I know it will help you.
Do you have any pets? Animals can be very healing. My little girl always comes and finds me when I’m feeling rough whether or not I realize it myself. For me it has always helped to have someone or something to live for and you have to remind yourself of that person or thing. For example I nearly killed myself on a family vacation in the bathroom of the hotel, but then I thought of what it would do to my mom and C (my boyfriend). My mom was the only one I ever believed loved me and I thought how horribly unfair it would have been to start dating someone and then kill yourself a few months later when they were really starting to get attached.
From what you said about your family I’m guessing that you don’t have a good social support group in real life. You really need this, maybe not necessarily in real life but people like us need people around them. I would suggest going out and making new friends if you don’t have any right now. I know for a long time I had no friends, not even a support group and it was hellish.
Another thing you might consider is a new doctor. Good doctors make all of the difference. Your meds might not be straightened out right now. I went to two different doctors before finding the right one. It took many different med attempts and adjustments to get me to where I am now (and the process is still ongoing for me) but I’m relatively stable right now. You can do this.
Here’s a short list:
Research new doctors, maybe recommendations from your therapist if you have one.
Try to spend some time around healing things like plants and animals. Don’t take it personally if they don’t like you. Most animals don’t like me, or at least most animals that already have people don’t like me. My friend L’s theory is that they can sense my mental instability. Dogs are pretty open though, but let them come to you. Maybe work on taming a feral dog or cat you see nosing around your home. Don’t be down if you aren’t successful or don’t succeed quickly. You have to put it in the frame that you are trying help this animal and that by helping them you are helping yourself. Your brain releases feel good chemicals when you help others. When you get more stable maybe go volunteer at an animal shelter.
Set a goal a day, one that you know you definitely can reach. I mean definitely can reach because if you start out with something and you can’t do it you’ll be crushed. Maybe get a book of short stories and read one a day, if you like reading. I think I read chicken soup for a cat lover’s soul once and it was pretty good. Dog lover’s soul works too. Something up lifting like that but not focused on people. I think that will only make you feel like you are missing out on the “human” world. Focus on animals or plants. I have a hard time with plants but if you’re better with plants and you’re sure you can get one to thrive (and I mean sure, not maybe) go get one and care for it.
Start a diary. I like to find notebooks that I feel a connection with. Books were I feel like the cover art speaks to me. I have one now, it’s a drawing of two girls walking together in Paris. One of them is ok and normal looking but the other is looking slightly behind her so that you can see her face and she looks suspicious. It’s like she’s on the lookout for someone or something as though she feels a threat that the other “normal” girl knows nothing about. I really liked that so that gives me an incentive to use it instead of just let it sit there. If you can’t think of any feelings just record your symptoms that day. That way when you go to your pdoc you can say I have had such and such problem for such and such length of time now. I think that based on how long this has been going on that this isn’t going away unless we do something.
Wave and smile back at people. I was very isolated in college but I had a ton of ‘waving buddies’. These were people that I smiled and waved and knew nothing about them beyond that. If you know someone smile and wave. You don’t have to stop and get involved in a full on theology debate. Just give a little wave and then when you start feeling better you can explore those relationships more if you want to.
Just remember to be kind. Be careful you are a vulnerable person, but still be kind.
**You may just be grieving right now—which is ok! Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.
It`s very possible that you might need a med change.
Talk to your doctor-and let yourself go through this process.
Much love to you **
Thank you all for your replies and support. I’m happy for joining this forum and thank you again for your support. I have a question though: I have the right to complain about the university’s decision to dismiss me because I have schizophrenia. Do you think I should hire a lawyer and pursue a formal complaint against this?
However, please bear in mind that the education process itself and the stress of it exacerbated my symptoms, and also the education at this university was too theoretical and not practical (I was doing a business graduate degree so it’s supposed to be a professional degree not a research one). So I was not happy during the learning process and I was learning very little due to the fact that the teaching material was too abstract. If I did return to the studies, this means that my symptoms could exacerbate again and I also have to pay the remaining fees worth $40000+. I’m not sure if it’s worth the risk of more stress and suffering, and the considerable amount of money. As mentioned above, I could study the same material online on Coursera and edX from top universities for only $50 - 100 per course with a certificate of accomplishment.
So what do you think? Should I file the complaint and see how things goes? or should I let it go, focus on my career and continue learning online?
If you can concentrate well enough to do what you’re doing in school, it sounds like you would be a very good candidate for one or more of the following psychotherapies to deal with the (totally understandable) frustration, anger and rage attacks. (I had them, big time, and had to do AM twice, as well as several workbooks. Here are two of the best.)
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