Writing is all I've got when it comes to coping with Divorce/Separation

DX'd - Other
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It’s been a long while since I’ve written anything here. I am returning here for a reason, in that in the next coming weeks, I will need to try to maintain as much sanity as I can – for the sake of my children more so than myself.

A few weeks ago, I grew horribly ill to the point of my stomach throbbing with pain, a physical weakness that has made me sleep much more than normal, the occasional vomiting (Sometimes, with blood), and an appetite that has faded. To this day, I am still as ill as when it first began and immediately, even my husband noticed a change with me.

Yesterday, my husband went to his band practice and around 5, he text me asking if I felt okay enough to go out. I had told him that I didn’t, but asked him questions on where he wanted to go. He stated that it was one of his friend’s birthday parties that was being held at a bar and that if I didn’t feel okay, we wouldn’t go, but right as soon as he got home, my husband broke into tears that he feels like I am only using the “I am in pain” card as a way to not have to go out somewhere. (Although again, he’s witnessed everything I’ve gone through).

He grew angry at first, name calling me while I sat in the chair confused at why he was so upset (until I realized he had already been drinking previously when he was at his band practice), and later, he calmed down, apologized for the things he had said, asking me again if I would feel okay enough to go. I again told him that I have been miserable for weeks and I can not be around the smell of alcohol – something that triggers my vomiting. He said that he needed to use the restroom, but after he was finished, he wanted to talk further on whether I will feel okay to go or not.

I waited for 45 minutes for him to get out of the bathroom. It was then that it dawned on me and I checked outside – his car was gone and he had left without saying a word to me. I knew where he was going to be at, so I called the bar where his friend’s birthday party was. The bartender was a friendly male that tried to hand the phone to my husband, but he hung up the phone immediately. I called back again where the bartender tried to get my husband to talk to me, when I began to hear my husband and his friends laughing in the background as some male that I have never met came on the phone. My husband and his friends were making fun of me, when I heard the male say, “Hi wife, we are asking for your permission for your husband to stay out for just one more hour before we send him on his way home. Mkay?” in a very sarcastic tone. I answered to him that it was fine, but I would like to speak to my husband please. The guy handed the phone off to my husband, where my husband yelled into the phone and hung up before I could say a word.

Ten minutes later, I was sent a text message saying that I am too much of a f**k up and that he wants a divorce. I told him that this isn’t the first time he’s said that when he’s been drunk and from there, he would only send me texts that said “I’m done”, “move on”, “I’m not trying for you anymore”.

The last text, I received from him at around 5 in the morning. I never responded and since yesterday, I have not heard from him. This isn’t the first time he’s pulled a disappearing act where he will stay gone for two days, then return because he has no money, no gas in his car, and no food.

I called my mother to help me. She is coming to get me and my children on Sunday, but she is unable to help any sooner than that. I’m not going to fight him this time so we can stay together where he will continue to make fake promises… I’m leaving as he requested, even if he didn’t mean it.

Regardless of all the past drama and problems we have had, I still love my husband and I wish he didn’t have an addiction to alcohol like he does. He’s a good person when he’s sober, but he’s a mean, cruel person when he’s drinking. I guess I will never understand what it is that I did wrong to make him leave, nor do I understand how being sick is me f**king up our marriage.

I’m numbed to feeling today. On occasion, I have to convince myself not to cry or break down because I don’t feel like he deserves the opportunity to see that he’s hurt me again.

This is why I am writing this – I will need to write often in order to not succumb to an endless abyss of reckless emotions. The few friends that I have are supporting me 100% and even request that I not text, call, or talk to him until after I have left with my children on Sunday.

I’ve been so ill today that I didn’t get out of bed until 5 pm and haven’t eaten anything. I didn’t think leaving him would be so difficult, but I know that its needed. I hope this doesn’t cause my Schizophrenia to flare, I really don’t want to go to the hospital again.

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O my unit so sorry you aren’t feeling well and he had to pull a stunt.

Have you tried alanon? It helps people understand alcohol addiction and deal with those that do and learn to take care of yourself.

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I’m so sorry you are going thru this honey. I didn’t hear back from a love interest last night on saint patties day. My friend this morning pointed out he was busy with work but even if he did go out without me, so what. I know marriage is different

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He married you though. That means you mean something to him.

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We haven’t tried anything because he is in complete denial that he has an addiction. He drinks so much that even his friends can’t ever keep up with him and it is shown in his family’s history that alcohol addiction runs thick.

I don’t think there is anything I can do at this point when it comes to his drinking, except for leave.

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It isn’t that he left or went out without me that hurts - its the fact that he’s lied to me for so long, disappears often (and for days), took the very last of our money to spend on alcohol (and then blames me for why we don’t have more money), obviously made fun of me in front of his friends, and then wants to divorce me because I’ve been ill.

I will never figure out what reason it was that he married me for; My guess - Convenience. Something a lot of people seem to do these days.

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My mother is in an abusive relationship. I finally told people at church and during a prayer somebody asked that if need be let them get couples therapy. We are all broken pieces waiting to be put together again. Sane or insane.

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Leave. At least he’ll think again before he sends you away again? You can always go back, he sounds like a needy man. I would be severely angry at how he treated you, alcohol or no alcohol, that was just mean.

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That’s why Al-anon can help You because addicts often have to hit bottom before they recognize a problem.
http://al-anon.alateen.org/is-alanon-for-you

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How old are your kids? My niece is getting a divorce. She said separating was the hardest thing she ever did. Your situation is as simple as you say. You love him when he’s sober, but that’s not enough of the time.

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Vomiting up blood means contact a doctor immediately.

Besides that, writing about trauma does help, on forums where other people see it, it for sure helps. I listened to a thesis defense today from a grad student whom I helped with proofreading his paper, and his study was on speaking vs writing about traumas, and I learned that studies support that writing with the intent of someone reading something is quite therapeutic. Keep writing on here and sharing if it helps, basically. Even talking to yourself about it helps. What doesn’t help is writing or speaking about mundane things, this is because people who have problems which they could benefit from talking about just bottle up their problems when they instead talk or write about mundane things. For example, I write in my journal every single morning, and sometimes I say crazy ■■■■ and write two pages, but half of the time I just write like “I went to school all day yesterday and I dreamed about a giant orange spider in my room, I need my ■■■■■■■ coffee”, while sometimes I write my stream of consciousness about things that disturb me (I am quite disturbed and maybe even disturbing) or I am delusional because my morning meds havent kicked in, and then I write viciously thinking that someone is reading what I say, watching me, the truman show delusion (truman’s syndrome, it’s fun, no, it sucks) whatever I like saying what is on my mind because I need to. I talk to myself for an hour in bed every night, mostly about things about me that I cannot change.

Just get if off your chest. Even writing without the intention of someone reading it may help. Maybe write a letter to your husband and then read it, dont send it, and delete it or throw it away if you hand write it…I am saying that because that is what Abraham Lincoln did, and if he did it, it must be good.

I would leave your husband, a man’s true character comes out when he is drunk (according to Charlie Chaplin). I get confident and happy when I am drunk, but I dont get really drunk anymore, I just get buzzed sometimes socially. I never drink more than two drinks if I drive. Your husband and his friends sound like complete assholes. Just leave him.

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I’m so sorry that your mother is in an abusive relationship, I wish it never had to be that way for anyone.

Would your mother and her partner accept couple’s therapy or would he be the sort of man that views therapy as a form of weakness?

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He’s told me on two other occasions that he wants a divorce, but a short time after, he changes his mind. This is the first time that I’ve actually put in the effort (such as packing and making arrangements) to leave, because well, I still don’t know if he is serious or not. Even then, if he isn’t serious, when I think about him, I get hit with a harsh feeling of sadness and not the kind of sadness where you miss them - the sadness that they have done wrong by you and you know it.

I am definitely leaving, but I wanted to return to this forum in the hopes that it will ease pain and make the separation or divorce easier to cope.

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@chordy - My children are five years old, three years old, and nine months old. Separating definitely hurts. Even convincing myself to pack seems unreal.

@mortimermouse - Writing tends to help me cope in a way that I can’t explain. It makes me feel as if I am not as alone as I feel when I try to keep everything to myself or “bottled up”. I experience the same thing that you do - the truman show sort of delusion. I always feel as if someone is watching what I write on the computer and I have to watch what I say, so they won’t know the “hidden truth” of what I think or feel.

Him and his friends pride themselves on being considered assholes. (They literally brag about it often).

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Thank you :slight_smile: He’s some kind of pervert idk. He says mean things to my mom and bumps into her on purpose when he’s mad. I don’t think he would see it as weakness as much as having to admit he isn’t all knowing. Honestly I’m tired of worrying about it. I need to worry about my life.

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I think it’s best to write what you really feel for what is called catharsis. Some people hate old school psychology but as far as I know, catharsis is real.

I don’t watch what I say, I verbally attack in my journal. It clears my mind.

The same ■■■■ goes on in psychoanalysis, I just say whatever is on my mind in my journal or when I talk to myself.

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I’m so sorry you and the children are getting put through this. I’m sorry for your sorrow. Getting the kids out of that situation is a safe thing to do.

I hope your Mom can help you sooner. I’m glad your able to talk about this.

My best hopes go to your and your kids.

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I tried to write him a letter like what you suggested earlier - a letter to just merely write what I feel and think, but don’t send it or give it to him. I didn’t even get to the second sentence before I became too frustrated and shred the paper angrily. I might need to wait for more time to pass before I try this idea again.

The stress of this whole situation is causing me to have horrible headaches. I didn’t think it would take such a toll on me physically.

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That’s a little like my niece. Her kids are 7 and 4. No baby, though. I think single mothers are strong. My niece says that she is communicating better with her husband since they separated. I think living together had suffocated their love.

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Having all those strong emotions will wear you out. Please take care of yourself in the best possible way so you can get through this.
Im so sorry-but you sound like you are having all the right thoughts about the situation. My ex was a mean drunk, and I put up with it WAY too long--13 years! If I would have had the courage or known I had choices, or another place to go--I would have left after the first 2 years! Im with you on this. In a little while, you will start to feel happy that you are away with your children.

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