It has been 13 days since I have seen my husband. I waited for him to return home for 4 days and on the 5th, I was asked to leave the home, which I did so. On the 6th day, I returned back to my home town, where it wasn’t until the 7th day that I was sent a text message from him.
He had abandoned us.
He seemed to send sad texts that made me feel as if he actually missed me. It wasn’t until two days later that I realized how stupid I am to have fallen for his crap again. I asked him why he decided to abandon myself and our kids. He text me in return saying that I shouldn’t be so pessimistic and how its not healthy. My text to him was that he had abandoned his family and THAT isn’t healthy. He messaged me saying that I am the one treating him like ■■■■. I struggle to take care of three kids by myself because he disappeared leaving me with nothing, and I’m the one treating him like ■■■■. Go figure.
I had a panic attack on Friday; Just felt so trapped and helpless that I could hardly breathe. I asked him to call me so I could have someone to talk to. My mother was out of town, my children were asleep, and I have no friends to call on. He told me that he couldn’t… because he was too busy getting drunk – The same reason why he abandoned my children and I to begin with.
I’m sitting here on edge and wanting to cry. I never thought how hard this would be and I don’t think its very fair. He’s living a life of freedom and carelessness, while I am running out of money to support our three children, living with my mother who has such a random work schedule that I can’t even fit my own job into hers (She would be the only one to watch the kids). She doesn’t even make enough to cover the expenses of her house, food, or gas. I don’t have money to help her. I can’t sleep from worrying and I can hardly make myself eat anything, until I’m so sick that I start to dry heave. Then I have to or I start to actually vomit.
I don’t know anymore of what I can do right now, but I certainly don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I have no one that I trust to reach out to and these last few days, I’ve thought more and more on mutilation. Something that I thought I had moved on from. I feel as if so much pressure has fallen on my shoulders and I’m scared of where it is going to put me.
My kids have no idea what is happening. The first whole week, my oldest son cried and begged to see his dad. He cried every single night and there was nothing I could say to comfort him. If I tried to sit close, he’d push me away and say that he only wants to talk to Dad about video games. The second day of being here, I was woken up to my middle child crying because he wanted to go home and asked me if I could have dad pick us up. The first day of being here, the youngest seemed so different. He cried all day long and wouldn’t accept a bottle (He’s almost one). By the second day, he was a little better, but it wasn’t until the third day that he went back to as normal as he could be. Last night, my oldest son asked me if I would call Dad so he could talk to him. I called, but as per usual – he didn’t answer.
It has been two days since I have heard from him. I don’t even know where my life is going anymore and even while I know that I should just move on, I can’t say that he was a horrible father to the kids. In a sense, I know that he didn’t actually abandon them; The person he was trying to abandon is me. I just happen to be the person that he knows would take the kids with me.
His friends have been wanting him to leave me. Because with me around, I’m the “ball and chain” that won’t let him get drunk on a Wednesday night. Since the beginning of our marriage, I’ve felt like I’m battling a handful of jealous girlfriends that are butt-hurt that their buddy chose to have a family. I know from a fact that they were the ones to enable and encourage him disappearing – I heard it directly from one of their mouths.
I’ve been told already the many ways that what I am doing is what makes me so “strong”. It makes me a “good parent” that is only “doing what’s best for my kids”, but in all honesty, I am so tired of hearing it. I don’t want to hear the cliché of how to make someone feel better. I want answers on why my life was torn apart. I want everything to just merely go back to being okay again.
This is just so damn hard.
