Who was to a point to not know what is to be ok and now is really fine?

I would really like to have some positive messages wow :slight_smile:
me personally I dont really feel my meds who are heavy enough, it means that I am bad… but in the day I feel a slight improvement. I am a little bit calmer… but in the evenings I still feel my brain in my head, I feel so heavy and tensed too and I really dont know anymore what is to be normal. I dont know it since 15 years, maybe more…
I am wondering what kind of schizophrenia I have when I am so ■■■■■■ up since years, always in a bad mood and a lot of suffering… my mother doesn’t believe in me. she keeps saying that ill remain between my 4 walls, she really really doesn’t believe in me… she keeps saying that I wont have a partner, neither children neither friends…

Mothers day 2013 I was gonna buy a bunch of heroin, cocaine, drink a bottle of vodka, take all my pills and then snort a big line of heroin mixed with cocaine in my garage with the doors down and car running. So no way I would’ve made it out alive. I looked in the mirror and saw hopelessness that day. Then It was mothers day and I thought of my mother and didn’t do it. Suicidal thoughts kept on til november when I got an escort and she told me “If you kill yourself, you won’t go to heaven” so I didn’t do it. Then I started taking meds and it slowly got better. Then I started taking more meds and it got even better. Then added another med and even better. Now I’m doing pretty damn good. Well that’s my story.

ok, thanks turning. the problem is that I am fed up always trying meds. I tried only this for 7 years… what if meds dont help wow? I see all these bad people living out there with no remords and I am tormented still by myself.

There was a time when it took me almost an hour of intense concentration and effort to assemble a sandwich. I couldn’t follow conversations - I would nod and say ‘yes’ and ‘uhuh’ at appropriate times, but people might just as well have been speaking martian - nothing sticked. It is always difficult to compare symptoms, but these issues with fairly basic cognition frightened me just as much as some positive symptoms I had experienced before. This seemed more personal in some sense. Like, without such problems, I could find ways to deal with positive symptoms. Now I felt so powerless…
Two years later I got my graduate degree with distinction.