I would really like to have some positive messages wow 
me personally I dont really feel my meds who are heavy enough, it means that I am badā¦ but in the day I feel a slight improvement. I am a little bit calmerā¦ but in the evenings I still feel my brain in my head, I feel so heavy and tensed too and I really dont know anymore what is to be normal. I dont know it since 15 years, maybe moreā¦
I am wondering what kind of schizophrenia I have when I am so ā ā ā ā ā ā up since years, always in a bad mood and a lot of sufferingā¦ my mother doesnāt believe in me. she keeps saying that ill remain between my 4 walls, she really really doesnāt believe in meā¦ she keeps saying that I wont have a partner, neither children neither friendsā¦
Mothers day 2013 I was gonna buy a bunch of heroin, cocaine, drink a bottle of vodka, take all my pills and then snort a big line of heroin mixed with cocaine in my garage with the doors down and car running. So no way I wouldāve made it out alive. I looked in the mirror and saw hopelessness that day. Then It was mothers day and I thought of my mother and didnāt do it. Suicidal thoughts kept on til november when I got an escort and she told me āIf you kill yourself, you wonāt go to heavenā so I didnāt do it. Then I started taking meds and it slowly got better. Then I started taking more meds and it got even better. Then added another med and even better. Now Iām doing pretty damn good. Well thatās my story.
ok, thanks turning. the problem is that I am fed up always trying meds. I tried only this for 7 yearsā¦ what if meds dont help wow? I see all these bad people living out there with no remords and I am tormented still by myself.
There was a time when it took me almost an hour of intense concentration and effort to assemble a sandwich. I couldnāt follow conversations - I would nod and say āyesā and āuhuhā at appropriate times, but people might just as well have been speaking martian - nothing sticked. It is always difficult to compare symptoms, but these issues with fairly basic cognition frightened me just as much as some positive symptoms I had experienced before. This seemed more personal in some sense. Like, without such problems, I could find ways to deal with positive symptoms. Now I felt so powerlessā¦
Two years later I got my graduate degree with distinction.