I’ve come to realize that I am performing at a level that is actually above normal and average, and my psychiatrist and psychologist suggest that I just keep it up and want me on my current meds for life. Well, I agree, I know enough of the science behind my meds and condition to know why they say that- even the benzo is kosher because it fights my tremors…
Anyways I just studied for a bio test and I just ran some errands, but that’s beside the point…what I mean to say is that if I can do the research and make the grades I have been doing for years, I will be fine and get the graduate degree I am shooting for if I am accepted into one of the schools I am considering. If I don’t get into a clinical PhD program (which would be shitty because I make the on paper cut for the schools I am considering, like IIT and Ole Miss, ect.) I will be going to the Boston school of psychoanalysis. Like no ■■■■. I am gonna do my thing.
I keep it up with the exercise and my routines really are pretty insane, I started working out with a guy who is bigger than I am and he struggles with them- that’s what’s really odd about me, I know exercise crap really well but want nothing do with it as a career. I even know nutrition- I mean I used to be a fighter so I learned it from that- fighting is the most serious sport by the way, all sports and games are pretend war and fighting is war at its most primal level. That illustrates a dichotomy I display between man and beast, which people also think is interesting, I find it frustrating yet exhilarating.
Anyways I want to recover more in terms of things that no one else sees, like when I talk to myself or my reflection at night for what sometimes is a matter of hours. It’s sort of congruent with empty-chair techniques of Gestalt therapy, but it happens in my bathroom and in my bedroom not under supervision of a professional…that and I sometimes resort to alcohol when I can’t sleep which is retarded when you are on my meds. I am pretty good about avoiding mixing the two for the most part.
Who else feels like they are content with their situation?
Far from content, here, but (as they say over and over again in AA), “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems.” By that, I do NOT mean rolling over and playing learned helpless doormat (as I know you well understand). I mean just getting real with my situation and making the most functional, life-enhancing adjustments I can to support having the best life I can have.
I, too, elected to get educated. The empowerments have been legion, though not the complete solution (as bits and pieces of my pathology will seize upon, contaminate and corrupt those empowerments, so I have to be vigilant about that).
But combined with relentlessly observing to notice to recognize to acknowledge to accept to own to appreciate to understand in the present moment, things are waaaaaaaaaaay better than they were (as I also know you know; this is more for others reading it than for you, for sure).
Taking meds on sked? Getting side issues dealt with? Using the system to get the help you need? Staying away from stressors you can eliminate (including street drugs and/or booze)?
Most of us are able to get quite a bit of relative relief if we do The Do… and those who aren’t are rarely able to sit in front of a computer.
I went through a long course of wanting to rip my own head off, but finally threw in the towel on my frantic (and dysfunctional) compensations. Things have gotten better ever since then. Far better, in fact, than I could have imagined back then.
I would advise not to go to Boston School of Psychoanalysis.
I have very little choice at this point in my life whether I keep up doing what I am doing or not. I’m 73 and have been sick since I was 20. I don’t see a mental collapse on the horizon, but I am pretty much set on getting into the ground soon. Old age and SZ together make a funny combination. My preparing to help in leading a self-help group here in town might be profitable in contributing to my mental health and the mental health of other members of the community. I’m mostly tired of myself and the illness and wish it would just leave and me with it. The Buddhist Sangha is nice but Buddhist masters in this country have been practicing to get where they are for 40 years. That would make me 115 years old before reaching enlightenment. Well, I just might get there.
Well, now that someone else said something (though not why he said it), I have to wonder why you selected this particular school. The BSoP is hard-core Freudian to the decided exclusion of other approaches including the behavioristic, cognitive and interoceptive ones that have arisen and flourished since PA was in bloom.
But I’m not altogether closed-minded to PA, and I am open-minded enough to hear an argument.
I keep hoping I die soon. I have a cushy life, but I can’t stand having to try to explain to everyone outside of my family why I’m 25 and don’t have a job or haven’t finished college yet. In the past 3 years I’ve only completed 4 classes and gotten my driver’s license. I wake up everyday and want to go back to sleep and wake up to something else. when I was in high school I really thought I was going to be successful. Now I worry about being able to get a job that pays above minimum wage that I can actually do that isn’t too stressful. I only sleep 10 hours a day on abilify, which is really good, but then I spend another hour or two in bed because I’m so exhausted and drowsy. I don’t know how I’m going to finish a bachelor’s degree if I don’t get better at driving in cities, or sleeping less. I’ve been trying to drink caffeine, and it sort of helps, I guess.
Elyn Saks swears by psychoanalysis and refuses other treatments other than her clozaril.
I have a passion for Freud. I think his ■■■■ was not ■■■■, I think it was true. It’s true 90% for me. I don’t like how psychodynamic psychology is being disregarded as garbage. I have only seen old gray haired male shrinks and they were all educated about psychodynamic psychology and have used it to describe me with impeccable accuracy. Even in my clinical assessment, which I keep copies of laying around, psychodynamic jargon was used to describe my situation.
But wanting to die is still not the point of life. Find something you like doing. Do what you want. Just don’t do anything illegal. Weird is a relative term, defined by the concept of normal. I am weird and I like being me for the most part. It’s challenging and rewarding.
Like seriously you need to find a hobby or interest, a passion for something. I don’t even think what it is about is relevant. If you like knitting dog sweaters, go do that. If you like academia and talking to other people with schizophrenia and lifting weights, go do that.
I think I must keep doing what I do in order to maintain level with where I reached and not drop below again, previous to my onset I was regarded as one of the brightest guys in my family and with my friends, I moved across boarder to very far countries to lead supply chain projects through implementation completion and I was successful at doing that, but that time I did not have a position and my work was simple delegations by higher managers who saw in me a bright mentality that can get things done. Today I am different and a complete different person, I look at life from different perspective and regard survival and battling as the core principals to focus on for continuity, today I hold a mid level management position in a country top 10 companies, and after six months of service with more than 1500 emails in sent folder I can see my self as half way there to stability, I always have doubts to whether I can wake up tomorrow and see the sun again, would they notice something wrong, I am a little introvert, do I smile a lot, do I care to get everyone satisfied with me? Am I behaving right with my manager and collegues? Am I decent with the opposite sex and treat those older than me with enough respect? Is the tone of respect in my voice coming back to normal? Am I training well enough for that? And the list goes on, but I will have to admit that my sz made me understand that problems in daily life don’t last long and the best medicine to counter them is waking up in the morning. I have missed some days and did not go to work, they were terrible days, they passed and I learned how not to repeat that mistake again… Why am I the only one who suffers among my acquaintances? No I m not and every one has his own battle, after all I take meds to fix my thoughts and all I am expected to do is behave normally and interact with society more… It requires effort and will, perseverance and confidence, they may not be available at the begging of any journey especially for us, but by time they do emerge. I am content and I look forward for tomorrow, with its up and downs, I am ready and equipped with faith in myself. I can do it I must do it and I will do it. I am a dreamer and I wake up to get this motherfuckin dreams come true, they won’t on their own. I just put a cigarette and wishing you guys a lovely day. Salute.
yeah you’re right. I spend all of my time listening to music and going on forums. I talk to my family as much as I can, and that is my life. I started summer school about a week ago, but I’m barely keeping up. It’s only 4 units total for the summer. Yeah, my brother says I need a hobby too, but everything just seems meaningless except for God, but then I don’t spend much time thinking about anything else than what people will think of me, and it’s not helping.
That’s called mentalistic cognition, we have way too much of it as psychotics. You need to practice not giving a ■■■■. Like do something a little edgy but not illegal every day. Wear clothes that make you stand out or something, dress however you feel and don’t care what others think, for example. Say what you think when people ask you what you are thinking.
I do ■■■■ like lift weights very intensely and not care about what others think. I also dress rather punky looking most days when I am not at a more formal and civilized place. I used to smoke, that says something about you if you smoke and just flick the butt when you’re done. I am not mean though, I just have to not really care about what others think because I am deviant and can’t help it, I didnt choose my genes and what happened to me as a kid. I can choose how I cope with the products of that reaction.
Just do your thing and do what you want, as long as it’s not illegal. I fortunately do what I want and it’s not illegal. I’m doing what I want right now. I’m gonna do what I want for dinner and then do what I want after dinner, probably study more…you know, if I didn’t like school I would be in prison.