Who else has also his/her ap, which stops your thinking?

Health and Recovery
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I am now pretty sure its my ap who smashes my brain in the evening… Its a problem…
I was a bit smashed by my illness too but in another way. And this ap is strong… It literally blocks my thinking. who else is like this?
The problem is, that the Zyprexa is the only ap who works for me in the day. The other aps make me crazier or are too weak for my fears…
I cant do much on this, no? :confused: … Is it typical for the aps to stop the thinking? Its hard, 3 hours of my day are stolen…

Maybe once i’ll be more recovered with more awaken brain, this effect will be smoother? What do you think?

Otherwise I try to go out in my neighborhood every day now for a few. I try to socialize more with my mom etc etc… But in a way, after my take of the ap in the evening, this is killed by the Zyprexa for some 3 hours… But I told you, all the other aps make me crazier, no way to switch…

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Or it’s the cognitive symptoms of schizophrenia. Or a formal thought disorder. My mom says I have thought disorders as the disorganized symptoms of schizophrenia. Maybe you have that too? But antipsychotics aren’t going to fix it all. Some things you have to work for, and other things you have to live with. I have hallucinations every single day. If it gets too bad, I take a prn ativan and/or haldol, but other than that, there’s really not much I can do about it. You have to try your hardest to live in spite of that. Just because you’re hearing a few voices every now and again doesn’t mean you can’t go out.

Do you have any pets? One that’ll force you to get out of bed or off of the couch? It’s much easier to force yourself to do sh it that you don’t want to do if you’re doing it for someone else, you know? Like with my dog. She’s got to eat, which means that I’ve got to get out of bed and go downstairs to feed her, and that I’ve got to go to the store and get her some food and treats. She has to use the bathroom, which means I have to get up however many times each day and take her out. She needs to drink water, so I have to get up and fill her bowl with fresh cold water twice a day. She needs attention, which means I have to play with her and rub her and give her kisses even if I want to watch TV or something.

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I never had voices, circle… But I have thought deficits yeap. My illness is a bit different from what you have. I was always down since kid… But I also have paranoia. Nope, it’s the zyprexa who kills a bit my thinking too. But I need this med.
But try to believe that I do my best to be active. I clean my house, I take care of myself and now I go out every day. I said it already, I’ll continue fighting hard! But the aps are known for slowing down the thinking, I don’t invent anything… Maybe I’ll feel less this side efekt once my brain is more awaken and healthy. My mom doesn’t let me to have a pet cause it’s still not sure ill be able to take care of it every day. But believe me, I started to do other things already. Its just that it will take time after being so ill since kid…

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Yeah, okay, we get it. You’ve been ill since you were a kid. Tragic. But right now, you’re just making excuses. Because Anna, it’s schizophrenia. We all have it, and it progressed all throughout our lives, just like yours did (except, maybe, for those whose illnesses are drug or trauma induced). Yes, it’ll take time, but if you keep telling yourself that your illness is so different, so much more severe, than mine or anyone else’s, then you’ll hinder your own recovery.

I don’t think you’re faking, I really don’t, but I do think you’re allowing yourself to wallow. The truth is that meds will help each of us to varying degrees, regardless of how long you’ve been ill. There are people in hospitals who had their first psychotic break, and now nothing has been able to pull them back. There are people who were gravely ill for years, and then comes along 3mg of Vraylar and poof, they’re practically cured. I myself have never had a complete break because my mom has always been on top of my mental health. I’ve gotten close, but never crossed that line, thanks to her and my grandpa. In theory, my meds should work perfectly, only they don’t. I still have hallucinations, albeit less vivid ones, all of the time, and I have delusional ideas and episodes. I have disorganized, formal thought disorder symptoms, and my cognitive symptoms are more prominent than my negative ones. There’s no formula for how each of us will respond meds, unfortunately. It’s just a roll of the dice.

I’m not trying to be a bi tch, Anna. Perhaps if I am, then someone else can explain it in a gentler way. I’m just trying to be honest with you, because you need to understand the truth. You need to understand that sometimes, meds just aren’t enough. If you want your shot at a normal life, then you’re going to have to fight for it, and you’re going to have to fight harder than some others may have to. Yeah, it’s sh itty and it’s unfair, but that’s just the way it is, so you can either accept that and fight your fight without comparing it to others’ battles, or you can reject it, and wallow while you wait for an easier path that may never come.

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Thats what risperidone did to me. I couldnt think at all most days. Even after 2 years of taking it i still couldnt get used to it. Im on abilify now and dont have those weird memory black outs like i did on risperidone. But it does control my thoughts.

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Circle, today again I felt normally for some one hour… It was stable and good. Its the path I find to stuck to my Zyprexa and the Depakote… Maybe I am just consumed by an anxiety, who drives me mad. My conversion disorder is the consequence and this was a great part of my illness. I know a guy, who recovered from his anxiety, just after an year on Zyprexa. And me, I was ill since kid, so theres a logic to wait even more… I do what I can. Its just still that it gets bad in my evenings, but I am on a good trt right now so this will come too I think… There’s no other option for me, we tried all the other aps and I just need efforts and time yeap. All my pdocs said to wait… The problems with the thinking can also be due to anxiety…I am not sure what I have, if its an anxiety or paranoia, but my brain gets relieved some days here which feels right for now.

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i dun take any meds now and my thinking are very discrete, ,or i would say i basically can’t think , that’s nth to do with the meds but just i can’t think

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Anna. I have schizophrenia too. We may not have the exact same symptoms, but I understand what you’re going through. The issue here is that you want me to tell you that you’re right, that you should just sit around and wait because the meds will miraculously kick in after 3 years. I’m not going to tell you that, because that’s just not how it works. It’s been 2 years, Anna. The meds have done all that they’re going to do. Yeah it sucks, but that’s the reality of your situation.

You keep saying that you feel normal for an hour or so each day, and that’s lovely, but if you only do things when you feel normal, then you’re not going to get anywhere, because doing things when you feel normal doesn’t require any effort. It’s when you’re feeling bad, but not incapacitated, that you have to fight. Obviously, I’m not suggesting that you need to go to the supermarket while you’re hallucinating that you’re being attacked by a swarm of bees, but if you’re feeling really tired because you’re depressed, then try to push yourself to go sit outside and get some sun.

Hold out hope that someday, they will release a medication that significantly reduces your symptoms, but until then, you’ve got to make the most of what you have if you want any shot at following your dreams. You can do this, Anna. I know you can. I believe in you, but that’s not enough. You’ve got to believe in you too. And trust me when I say that some level of stability, even if it’s not perfect, is most certainly worth fighting for.

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OK, I see circle… It’s the evening again, so I am more symptomatic again…
I am afraid you are right… The bad moments won’t be fixed anymore by meds… Yeah, the docs just say whatever, they don’t care probably…
My progress is probably more due to my efforts now. I feel better in the day cause I kick my ass, yeap… Well, it will still be difficult in the evenings. Currently I am still ultra worried about the future then till deep despair. And I am paranoid then with somatization so I can’t go outside. I occupy myself at my house yeap, but it’s still too few to progress…
Otherwise I will be the e. t. of my city if once I recover with my 17 years of isolation… It’s sad this :disappointed_relieved:… Just don’t be too hard with me circle. You can imagine in what state can be a human being after 17 years of total isolation… Yeah, also with a mother who keeps saying, that I’ll never recover… Nice parents eh…
Oh yeah, sometimes I can’t go out because of a total lack of positive emotions. This is very painful state too…
Well, I probably saw the hell… Idk any other parents who say to their kid, that hell never recover and never think of their finger in this, while my dad was severely abusive and was beating my mother and my sister till death… He wasn’t allowing us to even dance at my house cause he was saying that only the whores do it… Well, now I am just bad and terrible socially and I can’t even talk to men cause I suffocate… But yeah, I force myself still, this too…
I wondered even in the past why the others keep talking to me, when I am completely worthless as a person… I believed that I deserve from all the others to turn away from me, things like that…

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That’s awful about your parents, Anna. They had no right to treat you the way they did. It’s despicable, it really is, and it most certainly wasn’t your fault. It doesn’t say anything about your worth though. The only person who determines how much you’re worth is you. That’s not to say that you should never care what anyone else thinks of you, because like it or not, you do and you should. It’s just that you don’t have to care what everyone thinks of you. There are people in your life whose opinions just don’t matter, and that’s okay.

And with all of that said, you still have to play with the hand you’re dealt, even if it’s sh it. Because this isn’t about me or anyone else; it’s about you. Do what you can to make your own life better, easier; do what you can to make it yours. And it doesn’t always have to be about going out. Do you have Netflix? Hulu? Amazon Prime? Listen to some music (I highly recommend Green Day, Elton John, and Cage the Elephant, to start), play some video games (The Sims, Minecraft, and Legendary: Game of Heroes are fun), find a channel you like on YouTube. If you have a smartphone, there are tons of multiplayer games that you can play without revealing any personal information (if that sounds like something you’d enjoy, I’d be happy to play with you).

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Yeap, I have Netflix. I play some games. I read also. I watch youtube videos, in French or just a music or in Bulgarian… The problem is that while doing it, my mind keeps racing on the fact, that this is nothing what I do… This is more pronounced in the evenings… I cant calm my mind in a way… But well, I stop complaining now. Its a serious illness. But believe me, I do things, even one of my friends say it… I guess I am just anxious on my future now, but whatever. I’ll try to focus on the present moment…

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