Ok, so everyone 
I am really sorry, that ive said this. Pls, try to trust me, that i was just in pain in my day here, i said this without believing it at all… I lacked reason on it, as on many things here on my mind still 
I am really sorry, its not even true what ive said, at all… 
The thing is just, that my social circle is quite bad now, they all tell to me some quite crazy stuff and i still believe them… In fact, i often say, that i am blind and deaf myself yet…
The thing is that in my country, we are very stigmatized as mi, the therapies are not even popular here, the psych institutions are even full of abuse, of which me even suffered etc… For my case, i am freezed now by my past brainwashing and my fear now, am quite alone in my fight and this is scary still…
I really think, that we all need a good therapy, i know, that they help… Dont let go, its just that my case is special, i really am fighting a family brainwashing and this is hard for every therapist even…
But know, that i really try to become a better person, i am not bad even now, my intentions are all the best now and theres real hope about that illness
Know, that i stick with my treatment, the truth is that i cant even engage yet to regular appointments with a therapist even, cause i really was isolated for 20 years so now i am bombarded with my life here.
Take care all, am really sorry again… I really didnt believe what ive said…
Hi @anna1 try to get out for a short walk when you can. You might not feel better from it but its better to move a little each day
Oh, thanks levelj. I do that in fact now since an year and a half, everyday for 15 minutes…
But am shaken now after my post, i was scared i’ll be left alone without the forum plus i feel a bit guilty so paranoid 
i have my ocd as well now, but whatever…
My mom was terrible today, i ended up depending on her too, lots of problems…
anyway, thanks for the concern, i’ll try to chill here, not feel as the worst sinner , maybe i’ll have my klonopin in a few…
I want to rejoy you all also a bit tbh, cause i really am trying to open my own eyes lately, but its quite painful that…
Hugs
Good to hear your getting out atleast 
Life is tough with mental illness.
Yeap, i do that since a time… But today, its impossible… My ocd is about all the furniture at home in fact, i fear my mother to scold me if she sees my flat…
Idk, i really progressed in my thinking, but am probably just opening my eyes so all my past Pandora comes to me now, idk if am right…
In fact, i was surprised that my pdoc said that i am an obsessive type of sz, i didnt know that about me, i even had no the ocd before… But it appeared once ive started to trying to improve, idk why lol…
anyway, thats all…
I hope you all take my apologizes, i really shouldnt have thought even that, i’ll take that as a lesson lol
Yes, if I remember, I felt body tightness before few months before an episode period. Or something like efforts in any movement of body parts. Even I didn’t understand it at that time. My psychiatrist and family members count this physical symptom.
Now I remember.
I see, glad that its gone for ya 
I am all stiffed myself now, i was able to only worry today, pure hell…
i have physical symptoms of anxiety. like my nervous system goes raw and screams.
You had a post closed. You were not suspended. It isn’t the end of the world. And I reopened so you could apologize.
Which you didn’t apologize for the too smart for therapy remark. You tried to make an excuse for the poor joke. That is not apologizing.
Just say you’re sorry for any offense you do when you need to and move on.
I really am sorry if i offended someone…
I was rude, i became rude in my illness, i am sorry if i hurt someone here, i was neither true neither right, i really hope youll take my apologize…
I wasnt smart at all…
I really am sorry, all. I’ll take my lesson now…
@anon4362788 , idk what happens to me today, but i really feel like its the apocalypse for me in my mind today… 
It really feels like a mental death today for me, am extremely anxious probably…
And yes again, i am really sorry if i hurted someone, i was dumb…
You don’t need to bash yourself. Apologizing is just saying sorry, moving on, and doing better. If there’s a chance to make up for something, then do so.
But bashing yourself doesn’t do anything except hurt you.
Anna1 believe it or not when I was younger I thought I was too smart for therapy because I knew I could say anything and it may not be in earnest and what good would that do. But I realized that the therapy was mine and being earnest was only in my best interest so I could get good advice and feedback.
At one point in my life I attended therapy every week for 2 years with the same therapist. I grew, and learned of myself, and found out I was smart enough for therapy finally.
yes schizophrenia affects my body but i dont believe its a somatic disorder for me because all the physcial symptoms have been diagnosed as something (gastroparesis, refeeding syndrome, catatonia, panic…). i am pretty sure they are caused by taking antipsychotics since elementary school that now my body can’t function without them. like maybe they damaged my autonomic system…but anyway…when i don’t take haldol its hard to digest food from my stomach, (i have been diagnosed with gastroparesis) but the haldol is very similar structurally to the gastroparesis med metocloprimide. The other thing is now when i don’t take haldol, i walk like a 90 year old. i feel very heavy and weak and can hardly walk. my doctor said it’s related to catatonia so she’s blaming it on schizophrenia, so maybe she’s right. Those are the main too. I feel panicked after i eat without meds so i’m thinking that is either from the gastroparesis or as another doctor said it’s refeeding syndrome from me going to long without eating (i easily go 24 hrs without eating when im off haldol). And then the other thing is I get skipped heart beats when off haldol. (that could be from panic, adrynaline…idk). I feel like maybe all this is related to brain damage or inflammation because i read that haldol regulated some adrenaline, pituitary axis, and helps with reducing stress hormones like cortisol. it also reduces inflammation. Haldol almost completely solves these physical symptoms for me tho.
I see @irrelevant , thanks for the answer…
Am glad, that haldol helps you, wish you even better!
Yeap, i see, some physical symptoms can come from the anxiety, the panic and the catatonia yeap… Sometimes even the grief can affect the body, when its too much, i find…
We’ll fight. Me too, i expect more reason from my ap and this can help a bit the physical symptoms…
Idk if the sz is an inflammation, idk… Just hang on there, the physical symptoms are often due to other mi in fact like anxiety yeap etc… I guess that catatonia is quite hard too yes and i understand you… Me, i sometimes too cant even move… Hugs
Thank you for the answer Leaf .
Nah, i really dont believe that i am too smart for a therapy, nope.
Ive just knew the institutions for 15 years and now i am scared by all kind of docs even… I am eager to find a bit of life here…
I saw some therapists in my past, at the time, they were trying to make me more active and organized, which i try just now…
For the emotional suffering, they could help a lot , i know, they could give me some light, but right now i just prefer still to go outside and move my body a bit… I really missed the life outside, so now i seek for pleasures mainly…
But its a pity i know, therapies are good, when combined with meds yeap.
My online friend, who is sick too, told me, that i am bad though… and i think today on that yeap…
I really take it as a good critic though… My mom was way too patient with me, no matter, that for the docs, i was a severe sz so it wasnt all in my control…
But i guess no treatment works on a tough character as mine, i take the critic now, but am probably a very annoying person to be around yeap… 
am sorry again for my comment, i was maddended yesterday, i still didnt learn to suffer without being in terror around it or without complaining either, something which i got used to it with the time, bad, i know…
Your symptoms remind me a lot about myself. My ocd tends to get worse with more effort i put into getting better, its paradoxical but truly shows how obsessive we can be and at least for me stems from toxic shame related to my symptoms overall.
I dont know if i have a conversion disorder, were trying to figure out whats going on. Did they rule out other possible causes though? My dr thinks i may have an autoimmune disorder so were rulijg it out before thinking ahout other causes such as conversion
I see… so you are familuar with the conversion?
Yeah, its still in the mind the cause, but its beatable too 
Dont worry though, its a natural reaction to what we have in mind… 
Yeah, my ocd is a new stuff for me, before i was too numb to even act like that, but for me too, it gives me physical symptoms… the ocd is an anxiety disorder, such mind can react with physical symptoms too on the anxiety…
What i really try is to finally make my mind really stronger, more openmindness too and to get above about my terror, where i get sick with ocds or other…
Oh yeah, one pdoc said in just one look, that i have the conversion… no treatment for it though, just more activities and efforts to be rational and with peace of mind
Lets hope for us, all the best!!!