Schizophrenia.com

What made your maddening thoughts and voices go away?

I’ve tried everything I can think of (whether by choice, or against my will), but nothing seems to work. I’ve been sitting here for nearly 4 years and everyday it’s constant ■■■■ being pumped into my head (constantly repeating accusations, constantly calling me stupid, constantly saying everything I say is me contradicting myself, constantly repeating every stupid thing every idiot has ever said about me and tried to say I am (while saying that’s exactly who I am), and constantly trying to say I’m the one that’s an idiot and full of shit and that’s screwing everyone over not the idiots doing it). It doesn’t end. Sometimes there are voices (repeating what I’m thinking, but more typically, they just repeat the shit being pumped into my head, while forcing my thinking speed to slow down even more, as they constantly try to get me to repeat and respond to the crap being forced into my head and while constantly trying to say I’m the one saying these things, no one else) and sometimes it’s just these thoughts being forced in.

The thoughts are especially forced in and are especially severe when I start thinking about or trying to do anything. I suppose the usual thing is to try to write some code, and whenever I do that, there the ■■■■■■■■ is again, constantly calling me stupid, constantly shutting down my ability to think, and constantly replacing any form of creativity, cleverness, or what I’d think about with the dumbest ■■■■, as they say this is who I am, this is all I am, this is all I’m capable of, everyone is better than me, I’m the one that’s stupid, and even then, this is better than anything I could do, and this is someone having to waste their time telling me what to do (they are the ones being inconvenienced now), because clearly I can’t even do this myself. The experience is similar to some idiot freaking out when I’d be at work and would be on the verge of doing something, then going out of control doing everything to stop me from being able to do it, all while saying I’m an idiot, and that the nothing I’m doing is all I’m capable of, and that I don’t even know how to do that. The experience is like doing something (even the most trivial thing), then having some idiot get jealous and try to get revenge, and try to outdo me (but they never do, they just try to shit on me, while constantly repeating how much better they are than me, and that this is clearly the case, because they’ve said so).

It’s been so long, the prime of my life is gone, and it’s like my life is over, because no matter what I try to do, there this ■■■■ is constantly getting in the way and shitting on everything I’m doing, while taunting, laughing, saying they’re only trying to help, and that this is exactly what I deserve to have happen to me. It’s maddening being shitted on like this, because I didn’t do ■■■■. It’s maddening to be constantly accused of being anything like these idiots, because I’m nothing like them. It’s maddening to be suffering at the hands of these worthless idiots, rather than being rid of them and ridding the world of them, so no one has to deal with their ■■■■.

Even when I’m sleeping, this is still happening, and my dreams are a continuation of the ■■■■ that’s being pumped in all day. I’m constantly being forced from doing one stupid thing to another, and I’ve steadily lost the ability to resist. And everywhere I’ve been forced to that’s supposed to help make this all go away did nothing but try to make it worse, try to get me to give in, and constantly insist that I’m the one doing this and that no one is doing it to me.

I’m getting dumber everyday. Even the simplest things, or things I’d normally do without thinking now take an eternity, and it’s getting worse. I have no joy, no happiness, and everyday there is this feeling of misery that won’t go away.

There’s a lot more that’s happening (constantly messing with how I write, how I talk, how I use the bathroom, how I sit, how I walk, everything. Anything to make me worse, dumber, and more like these idiots I had to be around is all that seems to be happening in my life. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, magically there is just more shit everywhere), but I’m wondering about this. Any ideas on how to stop these thoughts from being pumped in? What has worked for you?

I was constantly bothered by intrusive and distorted thoughts but what really helped me was medication. Once I started taking it regularly things calmed down. It took me a good 15 years before I even attempted to stay compliant. It took even longer to start taking them religiously.

Wish I knew.

But I don’t know what made them go away nor do I know what made them come back for two weeks a few months ago after staying away for nearly two years. Everyone I’ve told seems to believe that it was the stress of moving that made it come back but this makes no sense as my move wasn’t really stressful. Why a simple move would trigger symptoms when flying out west for a week long international conference consisting of six hours a day of workshops and conferences and going back to a shared hotel room at night did not is beyond me. I don’t really have an answer as to why, it just was for whatever reason.

I do know other people who have healed with time though, a good friend of mine who had suffered from this illness since the age of 12 who is now in his early 50’s found that with time his symptoms subsided to at least a minimal and manageable level. I guess I’d say that my experience the last time my symptoms returned was that as long as I didn’t feed the fires by giving in to the temptations of believing it to be real than it was easier to just let it be and pass me by which it soon did. But I’ll admit that wasn’t easy as it is a very frustrating demon to deal with.

Risperidone (20 characters…

Amisulpride and listening to music when the voices hit worst does help, but I find if I ignore them they go away on their own.

Abilify, being med compliant and a lot of cognitive information that came my way via my husband. That is, I learned why I think how I think, not only why I stopped thinking badly, but how my brain did it in the first place.

Thank you for reminding me how bad it was. It always makes me want to take my meds when I remember… I hope it will get better for you too, soon.

@Malvok it took me 10 years to become compliant. It’s been a nightmare. Now, looking back, I can’t imagine why I resisted meds so much. I can’t think of a llogical argument to do it.

Dear bach,

   I was like that, and I have gotten better.

Jayster

Medication hasn’t helped me. I’ve tried: Haloperidol, Risperidone, Ativan, Klonopin, Zyprexa, Abilify, Depakote, Trazodone, Cogentin, Lithium Orotate, Niacin, homeopathic remedies, supplements, all natural medication, and they’ve all done nothing. I got the side-effects of constant hunger, restlessness, a cloud hanging over my head, and bad blood work when I took too much, but none of the torture went away.

Therapy also didn’t work, and I don’t see how it could. But even past the uselessness of “changing the way I think” and being forced to talk more in the face of the ■■■■ that is this torture, there was only a group of idiots constantly trying to make things worse. They would do things to try to get me to give in to what was being said, to “conclusively” prove true everything being said about me, to blame me for everything that’s happening, to force in that no one is doing this to me and that I’m the one doing it, and they’d constantly try to get me to talk, talk, talk more, be more organized, blah blah blah. It was just endless ■■■■. I don’t see how telling me a bunch of things I already know, forcing me to say this was all my fault, pumping me with any medication that will make it all worse, and setting everything up to have me start showing all these problems so you can ■■■■■■■■ about how right you are and force me to do even dumber ■■■■ does anything to help anything or make anything better.

I should mention the part where I think I didn’t go insane, and that someone did this to me (probably to get revenge, as that’s the type of thing these idiots are always claiming, as though they aren’t the ones that are rotten, full of shit, and that have no concern for anyone else). There was a period of time during which the garbage being pumped in was trying to force me to say I was a Targeted Individual and that I’m being voice-2-skull’d (and not in a good way, as they’d constantly force that in (while shitting on my ability to think) when I was trying to figure out how this was happening, and more importantly, who did it), but I don’t know if that’s how this is happening (the torture script used at the beginning of being voice-2-skull’d accurately reflects what happened to me, though, and I was also gangstalked at the beginning, and workplace mobbed by these same idiots).

At the end of the day the only thing I haven’t tried is a Faraday cage (would work assuming this was being done through radio waves, or whatever is being claimed), but I can’t seem to find one. If anyone knows where one is that I can sit in (or buy), then that would be great to know.