I’ve tried everything I can think of (whether by choice, or against my will), but nothing seems to work. I’ve been sitting here for nearly 4 years and everyday it’s constant ■■■■ being pumped into my head (constantly repeating accusations, constantly calling me stupid, constantly saying everything I say is me contradicting myself, constantly repeating every stupid thing every idiot has ever said about me and tried to say I am (while saying that’s exactly who I am), and constantly trying to say I’m the one that’s an idiot and full of shit and that’s screwing everyone over not the idiots doing it). It doesn’t end. Sometimes there are voices (repeating what I’m thinking, but more typically, they just repeat the shit being pumped into my head, while forcing my thinking speed to slow down even more, as they constantly try to get me to repeat and respond to the crap being forced into my head and while constantly trying to say I’m the one saying these things, no one else) and sometimes it’s just these thoughts being forced in.
The thoughts are especially forced in and are especially severe when I start thinking about or trying to do anything. I suppose the usual thing is to try to write some code, and whenever I do that, there the ■■■■■■■■ is again, constantly calling me stupid, constantly shutting down my ability to think, and constantly replacing any form of creativity, cleverness, or what I’d think about with the dumbest ■■■■, as they say this is who I am, this is all I am, this is all I’m capable of, everyone is better than me, I’m the one that’s stupid, and even then, this is better than anything I could do, and this is someone having to waste their time telling me what to do (they are the ones being inconvenienced now), because clearly I can’t even do this myself. The experience is similar to some idiot freaking out when I’d be at work and would be on the verge of doing something, then going out of control doing everything to stop me from being able to do it, all while saying I’m an idiot, and that the nothing I’m doing is all I’m capable of, and that I don’t even know how to do that. The experience is like doing something (even the most trivial thing), then having some idiot get jealous and try to get revenge, and try to outdo me (but they never do, they just try to shit on me, while constantly repeating how much better they are than me, and that this is clearly the case, because they’ve said so).
It’s been so long, the prime of my life is gone, and it’s like my life is over, because no matter what I try to do, there this ■■■■ is constantly getting in the way and shitting on everything I’m doing, while taunting, laughing, saying they’re only trying to help, and that this is exactly what I deserve to have happen to me. It’s maddening being shitted on like this, because I didn’t do ■■■■. It’s maddening to be constantly accused of being anything like these idiots, because I’m nothing like them. It’s maddening to be suffering at the hands of these worthless idiots, rather than being rid of them and ridding the world of them, so no one has to deal with their ■■■■.
Even when I’m sleeping, this is still happening, and my dreams are a continuation of the ■■■■ that’s being pumped in all day. I’m constantly being forced from doing one stupid thing to another, and I’ve steadily lost the ability to resist. And everywhere I’ve been forced to that’s supposed to help make this all go away did nothing but try to make it worse, try to get me to give in, and constantly insist that I’m the one doing this and that no one is doing it to me.
I’m getting dumber everyday. Even the simplest things, or things I’d normally do without thinking now take an eternity, and it’s getting worse. I have no joy, no happiness, and everyday there is this feeling of misery that won’t go away.
There’s a lot more that’s happening (constantly messing with how I write, how I talk, how I use the bathroom, how I sit, how I walk, everything. Anything to make me worse, dumber, and more like these idiots I had to be around is all that seems to be happening in my life. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, magically there is just more shit everywhere), but I’m wondering about this. Any ideas on how to stop these thoughts from being pumped in? What has worked for you?