I asked God if there was a point to me living other than to avoid putting my family through grief. Life is hard. I’m so tired. It’s just one awful thing after another.
I know this is a 180 from my post yesterday. My mood has been all over the place lately for some reason.
People with mental illness are just expected to keep on suffering for their whole lives just to keep other people happy. It’s cruel.
Im sorry that your feeling this way @Anna.
I am feeling a bit low myself.
I just increased my Depakote dose, hope that Im not feeling more depressed because of the increase.
When do you start the new mood stabiliser?
I hear you on the suffering though. But you’ve got to keep fighting. Not because of others but for yourself.
If I was really looking out for myself I’d kill myself instead of making myself deal with the same ■■■■ and nightmare scenarios for possibly decades more.
I’m already started on it but I have to start on the smallest doses and go up slowly due to my sensitivity to side effects so it’s not at a dose where it could do anything right now.
I hate to say this but you need an antipsychotic as well as a mood stabilizer if you’ve been diagnosed sza.
Have you tried rexulti? That’s probably something I’ll do when it becomes available here.
I mean come on. What is this quality of life. I can’t focus on anything. I tried to go see a movie today and had to leave halfway through because I couldn’t pay attention. I have no willpower to do anything, even simple things like cooking and getting dressed can be overwhelming for me. Everything causes me horrible anxiety. I’m scared all of the time either due to paranoia that other people are going to hurt me or do something bad or due to paranoia that demons or ghosts are going to hurt me or do something bad. I get sporadic depressive episodes where I am in extreme pain for weeks at a time. I have terrible nightmares every other night. I have a disorder that makes me pass out asleep for several hours a day even when not on a sedating medication. And speaking of medications, the medications that can help me with these things just give me different equally disabling or upsetting problems and are a very poor solution.
What life quality is this?
It’s tough. Maybe the point is just to experience life. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. And everything in between.
Yes except my ups are small and few and far between and my downs are like deep chasms of hellfire that take me forever to get out of and are constant.
Medium-low life quality which is still better than the lowest life quality: death. 
The only thing that keeps me from doing it at this point is that death worries me because it’s permanent and I have no idea what comes next.
Hell, my moods vary from day to day too. Actually, they vary from minute to minute.Maybe now is the time to tell your family how much you appreciate them and maybe do something nice for them. Just a thought.
My parents don’t understand, they try to be supportive and then do things like leave to go shopping for an entire day and leave me in charge of the whole house and all my siblings when I barely have the energy to get out of bed.
Anna. You have a head start. You’re getting help before you were hospitalised. That’s a big deal.
Once the mood stabiliser starts to work you’ll see things differently.
In the meantime give serious thought to your next move on the antipsychotic.
Antipsychotic+mood stabiliser= much better Anna.
I’m sick of trying new APs and not knowing what I’m going to get. I’d rather just go back on risperidone and find some way like a low dose of Abilify to keep my prolactin from going up.
Now you’re talking! That sounds like a very informed thing to say. Keep it as a viable option. Good thinking Anna.
I emailed my doctor asking him about it. I really was the most stable I’ve ever been in my life when I was on Zoloft and Risperidone. I wish I could’ve stayed on them and things hadn’t worked out how they did.
Now we’re rockin and rollin !
I envy you for being this ahead of the game. I ended up being involuntarily hospitalised for 3 months with such a bad psychotic break that I probably lost 50% of my grey matter.
That was my introduction to the whole mental illness thing.
Keep the momentum going now that you’re on a roll ! 
From what I’ve read , mood stabilizers prevent mania but don’t stop depressed mood/negative symptoms.
I could be wrong.
If I couldn’t have a little break with some Hypomania between the lows i would feel pretty grim about things
There’s no way you lost 50% of your grey matter from one episode lol! You’d be a legit potato 