My mood has been exceptionally poor. It tends to descend on me worse toward the evening. Then i get agonising depression, feels like my brain is rotting away, i have trouble thinking and feel somewhat paralysed. Thankfully in Australia we have strict gun laws, or i’d likely have used it by now. I’m not someone who plans, and i have no immediate plan to kill myself, but i do have a history of spur of the moment action. I thought about checking myself into the hospital, but i waiting until today where i could see my pdoc for the monthly Clozapine check up. They decided to double my lithium dosage, and have given me prn Diazepam. I did say that out of desperation i would like to consent to ECT, but we both agree to wait and see how the increase in dose works first. I still don’t know if i can manage, and whether or not i should go to hospital. I don’t want to cause anyone any fuss. Anyway, thanks for reading.
Hoping that your meds do the trick. I myself just try my best to stay in the moment and practice breathing exercises. I don’t meditate because it’s too trippy for me but breathing helps.
I hope you feel better soon. Maybe go for a walk in nature? That helps me to heal.
Hope your meds do the job.
Think about your evening routine?
Does it help to look forward to something to break your low mood and impulsive thoughts?
Is there someone you can call every evening?
Is there something you can get interested in like a show or music?
You need to break this habit, i know because ive been there many times.
Practice positive lines of thought helps too, so have a few self talk things to get you through.
Hows your sleep?
Im 44, i know its a battle low mood or depression whatever you want to call it. Ive been going through it for years in and out, i can be worse in the evenings too, it gets a grip and you feel so bad that all the worst things enter your head.
You are a good person, you will get through this, its not the end, there are better days ahead. Your family loves you do it for them. Be around for them too.
I hope something here might help you. Hugs
Thanks @anon29983254, some of what you said did help. I always set myself 2 goals to do each day, well since the start of the new year anyway, it is a resolution of mine. The goals i have are mostly things that i enjoy doing, so should, theoretically, help with my mood. But unfortunately it doesn’t. I do have a very loving partner, so i’m not alone. I can talk to him if needed. I will think up some positive self-talk. Thanks for your comment.
Your welcome anytime 
take care
@Sezbot241 try writing down four times a day how your feeling, your mood, what is helping, what is triggering
That will help you hopefully too to get perspective on the reasons for it
You deserve to enjoy things but i know myself how difficult motivation can be and meds and the illness can numb our good feelings so its a fine balance
Find your comfort zone, no pressure and themn in a couple of weeks reassess yourself what your up to doing, you may feel a bit better after some rest, no pressure days
And finally keep mh team updated
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