When I was 19 I lived unmedicated for a year in a group home. I was severely ill and suffering, delusional and psychotic. I had no relief from intense torturous symptoms for the whole time, not even a minute. I had no friends, no job, no car, no money, no schooling, certainly no girlfriend, no independence and last but not least, no sanity.
That was 1980. After a year there I got kicked out and they unceremoniously put all my belongings in two paper bags on the porch for me to pick up and leave.
Two weeks later I was in a large psychiatric hospital, thrown in with some really messed up people. I was there for 8 months. It was pretty much the same as the group home. No friends, no money, no car etc.
That was 1981-82.
Cut to today. I’m 57 and looking back on working almost steadily for the last 35 years. I only need a few college classes for my degree, I drive a nice car that I don’t owe a cent on to anybody. I live in a nice apartment, I only have a few luxuries but during the span of my illness at one time or another along the way I had some really nice furniture, over two hundred CD’s, and this may be a weird thing to say but wherever I’ve lived I have always had nice clothes and shoes.
I have had nice stereo equipment for my cars and housing, I lived independently since 1995 until just a couple of years ago. I’ve had friends, dated a little, traveled, and done a million fun things. Do you get my point? This is what is possible despite having schizophrenia. This is why you don’t give up. You may not get everything I got because I’m extremely lucky, but you still have a chance in the future of getting at least some of it.
When I was your age, I felt hopeless all the time so I can relate to you. I often felt suicidal, I was unhappy and I saw absolutely no future for me. I was nothing special, I was so ill that it would have been laughable of someone told me that I would ever work again. I didn’t even consider working back then. It took me an hour to dress myself and my days consisted of taking walks and sitting out in the backyard of the group home every day for months just fighting to hold on to what little sanity I had left. That was my life.
Today I got up at 8:00 am and drank a soda or two and fixed myself breakfast. I did a little cleaning and straightened up the apartment. I drove 15 minutes away to pick up some food. Traffic wasn’t bad and the sun was out and I enjoyed both of those. I got home and showered and relaxed for an hour and then I went to a doctors appointment. I was driving and I caught some people’s eyes and they frowned at me but a few guys and a few women gave me looks like I was pretty cool and most people ignored me and let me alone which didn’t bother me in the slightest. I’m just having my average day as someone who’s had schizophrenia for 39 years.
Tomorrow is a workday. I did a little homework this afternoon and I just made a big bowl of pasta that will feed me for two or three days. I am certainly not symptom free but my medication manages my disease and I am feeling OK. I feel peace of mind and calmness and I can think clearly. I am certainly not unique in the world, other people on this site have done productive, cool things too and have better jobs and lives than me. But I am sure comfortable a lot of the time.
I just wanted to show and compare myself to you, because I was kind of where you are now when I was younger. My story is why you don’t give up. Most people have potential but life is going to suck a large part of the time. But it makes the good periods even better. I wish you good luck and perseverance. Having schizophrenia is a setback but not the end of the world. Good luck.
