What does one do in a life crisis?

It isn’t my schizophrenia…that’s been at a more than manageable level for years now. Despite this I am losing it. Not losing touch with reality, but losing it…losing my mind. It’s like everything that ever happened over the course of my entire life seems to be coming to a head and reflecting on it just…little of it made any sense at all now or then and the more I think about it the more it just seems like insanity…nearly everywhere I turned in life…I faced something that made no sense.

But what do you do in a life crisis? Once upon a time I just went to live on a community farm in the country. That isn’t an option right now though. Mental health has proved of no use to me personally when it comes to dealing with life stuff rather than mental illness stuff.

Part of this I’m sure is that I had my 32nd birthday last night and I’ve been high as a kite every night for weeks but that is not all of it. Nothing I’ve ever tried, and hell have I tried, has worked out. I was a well meaning and uniquely gifted, creative kid…there was no reason for any of this.

I can’t do this anymore. There is nowhere to check into for a while, there is no one to talk to who is going to remotely understand what I am going through right now and would more than likely wrongly attribute it to my schizophrenia which it is not. I don’t know what the heck to do right now.

I guess I’ll just do the clubhouse thing as I’ve been doing. Thinking about the “real” world is just driving me over the edge at this point. Guess I need to just…I don’t know…all I know is that people like I was shouldn’t be dropping out. I dropped out long before my onset of Sz and just tried my best to do our own thing as best we could. Now…

I’m alone and outside these damn walls that seem to be for all the world invisible to all but those outside them.

Just had to rant a little…carry on good people.

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I’m sure it’ll pass man. Try fishing or something simple to distract you and give you something to think about. Probably lay off smoking that stuff. It has a compiling effect which is very subtle. You don’t know how crazy you’ve become until you lay off it and get some perspective. Best of luck man, hope this passes for you. BTW The world is utter insanity your not being delusional or anything like that.

what do you do? Give your self over to Jesus? I’m too rational. Self immolation? Ouch. I want to keep on living too…this isn’t a suicide thing. It’s…I don’t know what this is. I was considering last night just going ahead and frying my own brain in an act of protest. I don’t know…I’ll be okay I guess I’m just really, really hurting right now.

I did that a few days ago, probably do it every once in a while. Voices go crazy. Its like there are three people thinking inside my head. It does give me a feeling of knowing what is going on inside my brain. Its pretty ■■■■■■■ scary at the same time. Thats when I hear voices proclaiming to be God or Satan. Still every once in a while the idea seems appealing, just to get the feel of it. I think marijuana is a great a largely harmless drug. To much of anything is a bad thing, but if you can balance your life and not become dependent then it really can help you find insight and connectedness to yourself. I miss it dearly, but I always went over board with it and it is probably one of the core reasons I’m schizo. That and adderal. Any ways do what you got to do, try and enjoy the ride. As an atheist I have to find my own method of rising above this suicidal bs. It really is just respect for my family and the actual difficulty of killing this well evolved machine that I’m a part of that keeps me going. It is simply easier to live. I’m a psychological mess though.

Cr*p man…sorry about that. I couldn’t see that you had submitted a post already when I posted this. So none of it is really in response to you.

I’ve just been in and functionally out of pipe dreams for weeks. I gotta come back down to earth (community?) now. But I got that I’ve just been neglegting it some.

*Happy Birthday Mussel!
32 years old? You are SO young.
To me-it sounds like you are having a personal life crisis. We all deal with that at different stages in our lives. Youre growing. Before you can do that you have to sift through a lot of old stuff before* going on to the next ( and better ) part of your life. Just my opinion, but I would keep going to the clubhouse and maybe also join a mens group.
I hope you feel better soon-just keep going.

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This jumped out at me because I’ve been told so many times that my drug use sort of put a lot of other things in my life on hold. When I quit the drugs… of course all those neglected seeds began to wake up and grow again.

I wasn’t avoiding anything… I was just burying it.

It’s hard putting the picture back together under a clear lens. But it does happen.

If your trying to think on big projects that haven’t worked out… the bigger the project… the easier it is to get overwhelmed.

I’d say… take some comfort in the smaller task that you manage… Like being a positive force and loving Uncle to a little girl who needs some family stability it sounds…

Or… remembering the people you’ve helped. There might come a time where this clubhouse becomes to big a task for you alone… that’s not failure. It’s just life.

but YOU are the man who got the ball rolling…

I hope you feel better soon. I’m rooting for you.

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