Well well well... if it isnt the same old tune

I am having some relationship issues with my boyfriend and need to vent a little.

I love him so much. I want him closer to me emotionally and intimately but i have often felt like my attempts to get him closer just oush him further away. We text a lot, and we were seeing each other for about once a week, which isnt a lotbu i understand he has a lot of things going on. Now were back to barely seeing each other and its painful. Even in person i often feel like hes checked out. He never takes issue with anything i do, and tbh i dont see that as a good thing. I cant be perfect and i fele like hes just not communicating. And for the past couple months i jsut truly dont feel much emotional investmemt from him but when i bring it up he tells me hes doing everything he can and that he has trauma. Ok, well,go to therapy? Idk. Tonight i told him i dont feel like he has enough time for us and he quickly maxe me feel like im over reacting (he said i was reading too much into things) and he said he tries to meet all my needs and that my trauma is making me over react. I wanted to absoltuely explode but i calmily set the boundary no, were not blaming my trauma. Im not even trying to blamw him. I just wanted to express i am having a difficult time with our relationship and i just always end up feeling dismissed and like im over reacting again. Im so tired of feeling that way. I just want some genuine attention from my boyfriend and not just short texts and seeing him twice a month. I just am not happy clearly and this isnt healthy for me.

Thanks for reading

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Don’t shoot me, but I think it’s a drawback to being in a polyamorous relationship, as he has another relationship he is in that prolly absorbs more of his time and attention. He needs to learn to balance the time equally, which is probably truly hard to do to his credit. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but definitely it’s something that needs to be discussed and resolved, so he’s there for you, too. Does this make sense?

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Yeah ita making me question if polyamoroury is even right for me. I can handle him having other partners and such. I love that hes happy with them and having a good time with others. But i dont love feeling like this. I think yhe bigger issue im having with him is that he may just not be able to emotionalyl connect on a deeper level like i need. And when i bring it up my trauma gets blamed and thats just not ok.

Sounds like your relationship needs are very different, which can happen in monogamous relationships, too. But it’s a touch easier because it just means two people involved, not three. So the question to you is if he’s worth it, and can work through the woes, or better to separate and find people who are more flexible. You are not wrong in needing and wanting attention from your partner. The question is if he’s willing to give it.

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I agree with @sweetpotatofries. How is he getting along with the “other person”? Just a one on one relationship is more than most people can handle but if he’s having problems with her too he’s going to reach his limit and be stressed out. I can see how it wouldn’t be healthy. I see these polyamorous relationships and they’re usually a mess.

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Yeah they usually are tbh. Its kind of sad. It seems like such a good idea if you can manage your jealousy or have little of it but i dont think many poly people realize just how much extra work goes into each relationship. What hurts me too is my boyfriend is actively dating and looking for another partner while ive been telling him for a while now about my concerns. I mean if he cant even make time to see me once a week now how is adding another partner going to help??? And honestly besides his wife, he seems to be exclusively dating trans people,and he is not trans, so its kind of concerning in that regard too. Chasers are a real big problem so im always on gaurd for it. Not sure if thats what is going on but it just seems weird to me that every person hes dated in the year and a half weve been together has been trans.

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I mean i dont have a srcond partner because every time ive tried i get over whelmed juggling 2 people. I dont see how these poly people with full time jobs and kids and their own mental issues has time or energy for 3, 4, or even 5 partners. Yes i dated someone with 4 existing partners and yes it was a ■■■■ show. My last break up, the dude had another partner who had a lot of needs and he ignored my needs completely, in the end i was like why are you even poly? Lol like what are you ACTUALLY looking for?!

Do you purposely seek out polyamorous relationships? Just always sounds like a recipe for disaster. One on one is hard enough. I don’t even see how that kind of relationship works, the person is not going to love/like each person equally, it’s impossible. And if I was in that kind of relationship I wouldn’t want to play second fiddle to anyone else. It just sounds like looking for trouble.

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You really have to adjust your expectations on that one if youre poly. I honestly dont want to be loved the same way he loves his wife, but we also dont play into hierachies like some poly people do. Some poly relationships are… whew. So so many constricting rules that defeats the purpose. He lives with his wife, shares finances and has kids, so its expected they will be more involved and deeper. I never feel second to his wife though.

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I hope it works out well for you @Grookey.

:hugs:

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