I’ve been having some major issues with my two closest friends lately. It started a few months ago and when it started I was hoping that it would get better and it hasn’t. It’s just gotten worse. It started because they were talking to each other and decided that I wasnt managing my time well enough. (Me time, time with family, time with boyfriend, and time with friends/them) Their main concern was that I was spending too much time with my boyfriend and not enough time with them. I was confused because I wasnt seeing an issue so I talked to my parents to double check. Make sure that I wasnt just blind to it. They assured me that I was doing nothing wrong. Well I then tried to pay special attention to them because they were saying they were hurt by my actions and I hate when I hurt my friends.
About a month later it was brought up again. I was told that they felt like they weren’t a priority in my life. Which hurts because I love them both. They were my first real friends that I had made in years. So I figured I’d just try harder. Even though it hurt like hell that I felt like I wasn’t enough.
A couple weeks ago it came up a third time. Again I was accused of not caring about them. And that I brushed them off and never tried to listen to their side or their feelings. Mind you they’ve never asked me once how I was doing with the whole situation. My one friend had called me tell me that and after it was over I had a huge mental breakdown. To the point of my boyfriend drove over at about 11:30 and just hugged me for a few hours until I was okay with being alone.
A couple days ago it came up yet again after I’d been trying and trying to be enough for them and to try to show them I care. At this point I was sick of it and told them about how I’ve been hurting like hell the past three months. Again I was simply accused of not listening to them, and brushing them off, and not supporting them, even though I talk to them every day and ask how they are and try to make them feel better if they are doing bad. I dont remember the last time they did that for me. If I say I’m bad they either go ‘oh’ or ignore me. Then I was accused of simply playing the victim card to get my way. I’m just really hurting right now and have currently decided I’m not going to talk to them about things. I tried that and I was brushed off and accused of doing things that I never did. I’ll talk to them if they want to talk about a show they watched or a project they’re working on l, but anything emotionally I’m flat out refusing. I tried talking to them.
There are some people in my friend group that want to give it time then talk to them later and I’m not sure that I want to do that. I’m not sure that I want to put the effort into trying to rebuild my relationship with them. I’ve been stressing out these past 3 months trying to make them happy and make things work and it wad never enough. What makes the future different? Is that wrong of me? Am I a bad person for not wanting to let them back in? I’m just hurting and so overwhelmed with emotions right now. I dont even know what I’m all feeling. I just hurt. I dont know what to do.
This is very simple: True friends understand understand when other things in your life require attention and they’re content to wait for when you’re available again. They’re happy that you’re happy elsewhere even if they miss you. What you’ve got here is not friendship.
I don’t think your in the wrong and it seems they are talking to each other and building it up more than for them than you. It’s good to have friends. It really is but not if it’s affecting your other relationships. Put your concerns on the table and just tell them you think they are being unreasonable.
Their replies will guide you from there. It’s ok to have a boyfriend and spend time with them. I don’t see the issue here…
I wish I could just drop them but they’ve expressed worry that they think I’m going to just forget about them. I know how much it hurts to feel forgotten. I dont care how much they hurt me I never want to do that to them. But I’m worried that they’ll want everything to go back to how it was. And frankly when I let somebody in and they smash me on the inside things can never go back. I wish I was better and more forgiving but those things I cant just let go of.
I have tried talking to them. I tried explaining my priorities and core beliefs and that yes since my boyfriend and I have been dating for a while I’m going to spend more time with him. That’s how I was raised. They didn’t listen when I tried explaining that. There reaction was more or less a “We know that these are your beliefs BUT…” then continued on to say that I’m not doing enough for them. Like I told MrSquirrel I dont want to just drop them because I know that that’s going to hurt them and I dont want to hurt them anymore. But I also know that as things have been it’s extremely bad and unhealthy for me.
I would most certainly agree that that’s where it all started. How much of that it is now and how much of it is something else I don’t know. I dont know what something else is though.
The ironic part is that because of them I’ve actually seen more of him lately. I’ve been an emotional mess so he’s been there to support me.
See, here’s all the evidence you need. Your boyfriend is willing to get up in the dead of night to come over and comfort you. Would these friends do that? From your description of the relationship, I seriously doubt it.
I know losing friends is tough, but these friends are putting unreasonable demands on you and not allowing you to have a healthy romantic relationship. It is especially telling that they’re brushing your feelings off and only interested in how they feel themselves.These people just don’t sound like very good friends.
There was a time when I think that they would but lately I fear that the answer would be no. It’s just hard for me to let go because then I feel like I’m giving up on them. Theres a part of me that knows I’m not giving up because I’ve been trying to fix things for months but the part that says I’m bad is pretty loud. (I dont know how else to explain it)
Something that really helped me with being able to set reasonable boundaries was to realize that I am not responsible for another person’t emotional wellbeing. I can be a supportive listener, and offer love, but in the end it is each person’s responsibility to find their own happiness. I think teenagers in particular have a hard time with this, because they tend to form codependent bonds with their friends, where you drop everything in the world to rush to a friend in need.
Adult relationships just aren’t like that. Adults have jobs and families and responsibilities that outrank a friend having a bad day. Even in emergency situations, sometimes it will be a few hours or days before a friend can find a sitter, or get coverage at their job, or whatever. Part of growing up is learning that the ride or die mentality does not lead to healthy, sustainable friendships. My friends know that I will absolutely listen to them if they need to talk, but only between the hours of 9 AM and 9 PM. If they have a problem after bedtime, they can use the crisis line because that is what it’s there for. My best friend lives ten minutes down the road from me, and i’ve seen her twice in the past 3 months because our schedules have been out of sync. We don’t love each other any less.
When you start setting healthy boundaries in a relationship that previously did not have healthy boundaries, the other person is not going to like it. They will try to yell, manipulate, and guilt you into removing the boundary. Stand your ground, and they will either learn to accept the boundary, or the relationship will end. If you let them convince you to remove the boundary, the relationship will never get to a healthy place. You might preserve a relationship, but it will be tainted with the knowledge that these people do not care about your needs.
I have a friend from my old school. We can go months without seeing each other and when we do see each other we just pick up where we left off. We could even go weeks without talking and there would be no lost love. There are things that we dont agree on but then we come to the conclusion that we’ll just agree to disagree and then it’s never an issue again. I miss her. I havent been able to see her in a while.
I think what I need to do is maintain my friends at a distance with them. Even after things have settled. Sort of like you said, if I let them back in then I’m going to constantly be wondering if they actually care about my feelings.
I hate this because now all my emotions are tangled up inside me. I cant help but wonder if they ever cared or if I was just a toy to them, something to be used until they got bored of me. They decided to discard me when I started doing something that they didnt agree with. (It wouldnt be the first time I was toyed with then thrown away.) The hardest part is that I’m fighting within myself because I dont know what to believe. I dont know how much of my thought process is false and is there because of insecurities and past scars and how much is actually plausible and could be true.
