I have a super judgey voice that pops out when I meet people sometimes. It will say mean things like I say mean things about myself in my head. This is wrong and not nice. I totally overcompensate by trying to be really nice. People think I’m really nice so they try to take advantage of me. Well I’m just done with it. From now on I’m going to treat people normal. No more overcompensating. So what if my head says someone is fat or a bitch. They can’t hear it. It’s not like I say these things out loud. It’s not like I’m saying it on purpose. It doesn’t mean I owe everybody everything just because I have a mean voice in my head. I really have to practice setting boundaries with people. Also I need to not feel responsible for everyone’s happiness. I need to tend to my own business and leave other peoples business to them. Do you set good boundaries for yourself and respect other peoples boundaries as well?
It’s hard for me to set boundaries sometimes because of the issues I’ve had with my step mother in the past. She was borderline and lied about it, saying that she is bipolar.
But I’m glad you are feeling this way. Feeling more independent. I think you are going about this a very healthy way.
@anon1571434 Oh my goodness. I had a girlfriend who had borderline and she was a handful. I loved her but I just couldn’t handle the anger and the insecurities. She always thought I was going to leave her for the men we hooked up with. Eventually her very fears pushed me away. It’s strange how that works out.
Yeah I feel bad when I post stuff sometimes because I feel like I am like her in a way. My last time seeing a counselor (which was at the crisis center) had informed me of this fact. I didn’t know if I believed it but thinking that I am only upset when I talk to her makes it an awfully weird coincidence.
So yeah. That’s what I want to go to counseling for. To be able to feel like myself again and learn how to deal with her deliberate attempts to trigger me.
I’m sorry about your friend. I feel like I can relate in a way. I had a friend like that once. She would be jealous of anyone I spoke to. From our friend’s Dad to her own Mother and Little Sister. Eventually I became psychotic and lashed out at her at her Mom’s house while alone and the relationship started to break down from there. I had the fear of being abandoned creep back up on me. Something I thought that I conquered years ago as a child.
It’s good to cast these people out because you cannot let yourself be dragged down by them. They have a lot of problems but they have to understand that the things they think people are doing to hurt them is actually things people are trying to do to help them.
@anon1571434 I think counseling would be a good thing. I just started going again and my honey seems to think I’m doing better. I started going for some help with working through some of the anxiety that I deal with but now I feel I can start talking about other stuff now that I’m getting to know the psychologist a little better. I’m not that good at therapy, I have a hard time admitting that I need help. I like to act like I normal and everything is fine. It’s hard to talk about all the weird ■■■■ going on in my head because I know it sounds crazy and I work really hard not to sound crazy. It’s strange to then go against my training to let it all out. If I go there I’m afraid one day I won’t come back. That’s weird, I know.
Yeah I guess you could say you are afraid of losing yourself.?
I’m on the other end where I was always told to express myself. It’s okay to cry or be angry. (Although one seems to attract more sympathy than the other). And it was really frustrating when my step-mom moved in because she wanted to assimilate everyone into one “person” you could say. And she was really demanding over every little thing. Like my profile says “everyone has their own opinions and ways to deal with things” and that is what I’ve been trying to get back to but it’s hard when you’re used to being co-dependent and not know who I am by myself anymore. That’s why I isolate a lot.
@anon1571434 When did your step-mother come into your life? Are you living with her now?
I was 10 or 11 when my Dad introduced me to her. He had been seeing her unknown to me when I was in 5th grade because I was living with my aunt and uncle at the time to get me out of the ghetto. But they are no longer married so she isn’t really my step-mom. And I live alone.
That’s good that you have your own space.
Thanks @Leaf you are a real friend.
What’s going on in your world?
I know the feeling you tend to be overly nice because your paranoid about what people think and then everyone just expects it all the time so when you have an off day people look at you like you’ve done something wrong lol that’s what happens to me it’s a viscous cycle.
Well, let’s see…I’m just trying to learn about how my own “cognitive distortions” are feeding into the anxiety that is causing a lot of distress. I’ve been living with anxiety so long that I’ve just have almost given up and let it take over. But I have this tiny little bit of hope left, this tiny bit of courage that is driving me to fight and look for a better way to think. I’m 50 years old and just now learned that anxiety is an emotion. I always thought it was a disease because for me it is so visceral. I am so wholly affected by it that I can’t function normally.
But with some work I’ve managed to make some changes and I’m excited to keep working on it and enjoy even more progress. I would love to be able to go to the grocery store and not have to have an escape plan. I would love to not have to worry about how many people will be in the waiting room when I go to doctors appointments. I would love to be able to leave my house without Ativan anytime I felt like it. I would really love to go fishing with my husband. So that’s what’s going on with me.
Oh and also I have been leaving the house more to go visit my new baby granddaughter. That’s a lot of joy for me.
I know @Walka86 the same goes for my mental faculties in general. Sometimes I’m pretty bright. People come to expect me to be smart and then the cognitive difficulties kick in full force and I’m rendered a complete idiot and it seems like people expect wayyyyyyy to much from me. You’re right it’s a vicious cycle
That’s great @Leaf!!
I’ve done a lot of work on my own cognitive distortions.
I need to work on memorizing them so I can catch more. But I’m really good and fast at reframing. It’s just catching them that I’m needing practice with.
I have a lot of catastrophizing in me. I over react to situations (like with my step mom) so learning to remember that she is in the past and not here helps me alot. Being in the moment as they say. Only thing that upsets me now is when I actually see her.
I have a tendency to bend over backwards for people I shouldn’t. I guess sometimes I can be a people pleaser and try to make everyone happy, which usually means I end up making things worse because there was no perfect solution and now some people feel neglected that I didn’t put their feelings first. It’s caused problems in my relationship before.
Good for you for recognising all these things. They’re all really important for wellbeing.
I used to get really stressed out at my mums depression. But there’s only so much I can do. I need to stop feeling her feelings with her it’s not good cos it really gets me down. So I need to set an emotional boundary there
I feel like I can feel other people’s emotions kind of like an empath
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