I know, that her mom was a sz… I ignore if Marilyn was it too, but she was fragile yeap…
I feel a bit like her though… I was a pretty girl, not so much anymore… But i had ine bf, who was more of an intellectual, he left me because i was out of his league, plus ill too…
Now i try to fight, but soo many didnt do it, idk if i’ll feel strong one day… One pdoc was saying, that if i’ll recover , it’ll be in years on meds, not in months… I walk around with fear in my guts and i even still talk with efforts… Idk if i am dumb or what… I was it for my intellectual guy, hah… He was saying, that i cant even think… My pdoc said, that i cant think, because i had mainly paranoid thoughts lol…
But so many didnt do it even with better health care around them, idk… I want to live better already… Not with my somatic disorder every day and all the rest…
I think of marilyn, chester from linkin park, amy winehouse, all these people…
Her ma was a sz for sure… I see Marilyn as mentally fragile, but maybe my idea of this is wrong still… I am too much still in the matrix of the mi, thats all …
My pdoc says, that my suffering now is psychological, but i still think its psychiatric, when i cant stand on my feet by paranoia , thats all… But maybe my psyche is just smashed, we knew a lot of abuse around my dad…
But dont you get triggered, when some famous people dont manage to do it because of mental problems?.. idk… i feel bad, one of my symptoms was so deep despair (which is even a sin for the christians), that i was negative till head in my head for everything about me… Since the age of 10, i thought, that i have no good future at all, this killed me… At the age of 20, i gave up and stopped fighting… At the age of 30, even the meds didnt pull me out of my suffering still, not at all, but now i fight… Idk if its doable with just a change of the thinking and efforts… I take my meds though, but i still suffer… My pdoc said, that he doesnt believe in the efforts in sz, but i have no other option now… But its not inspiring to hear that, while i have no other solution than to try now with efforts…
Thats it pals… I just never lived till now and i want it now, i am 40 years old too now.
You are wrong!!! I go outside every day now, but just for some 20 minutes… I do that since 2 years now, but it doesnt bring me relief, i dont expand… I feel the fear in my guts, it killed my positive emotions, it killed my thinking…
I dont even know, which person i like, which food, my self is damaged…
I move a lot more now, but i know, that until i feel my conversion disorder in my head and my paranoia, i wont be capable of big things…
try to date when you absolutely dont know if you like that person or not, it just doesnt work, when my ‘‘me’’ is inexistant…
Yes, i go out now for a few, i go to my hairdresser, i go to the supermarkets sometimes, i talk to some strangers outside etc… The problem is that i still feel sick… I want the stability now, cause i didnt knew it for 30 years… Idk what kind of sz is that…
My intellect is oppressed from the illness said my ex pdoc… I was also once diagnosed with bpd too, but this can be wrong…
Idk what i want next… Maybe i am anhedonic too… I want my mental stability next… with no fear, neither conversion disorder or at least been to their minimum… Idk what next, i can make mistakes if i plan tbh, cause i really have crazy ideas still… I plan to try to become all love etc, just a more decent person too… I want to be more occupied one day, maybe a partner too… i just dont know yet… i am too much in the matrix, dear, i can do crazy things still if i only try lol…
The mental and physical health can be a goal too nope?..
I wouldnt have enjoyed nothing now much i think tbh… and as i said, i can go now against my real, true desires, only cause i experience chaos still… And i risk to regret what i can do now… idk if you understand my illness, its not very typical i guess…
Yeah, thats it… my mental and physical health are my goal now…
I wouldnt have enjoyed nothing much now i find, even if jesus will show to me lol
Is this understandable? I suffer way too much still and i believe, that the problem is me still…
Does somebody else here also thinks, that until their mind is not fixed, nothing will bring them joy or can work well for you?..
I say this, cause i was ill already since long, i was even outside before and i was unhappy as hell no matter, that i was active and surrounded by people… When you get psychosomatics, paranoia, not a proper thinking, i cant see how it can work…
Ok, i try to move too now, but i feel like i need to fix myself first in order to enjoy the life…
Maybe some of you here had real problems and you were better once it was fixed… But me, i find, that my problem is really in my head, cause i dont enjoy life still… My head is really not working lol, if you can understand this… They say, that the happiness is only in us, maybe its true, right?
She was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 1961 or 1962. Her ex husband Joe DiMaggio took her to a different hospital. Some people say she heard voices when she was young. Other people say she was bipolar.
Your illness won’t go away and you may not get better. You have to make a life despite where you’re at mentally. I always say, “If you’re waiting for the perfect time to make changes or be happy, you may be waiting forever.” I gotta follow my own advice, I’ll probably start the walking group in two weeks.
By the way, the theory that Marilyn Monroe was schizophrenic is just that: a theory. She had mental problems for sure but was probably not psychotic.
How to live though in my current state, when i dont know even what do i want, nick?
I dont even know still which partner i like or i need… To stay because of that alone? I am anhedonic, confused, without a built up self, paranoid… How to even try to live, when i risk just to make mistakes???
Idk, i really should get a little bit better… I cant be a guy with now for example, cause i dont even know who i like, but i need such things too, nope? …
…
, thats all… But maybe my psyche is just smashed, we knew a lot of abuse around my dad…
