if you are ok with being alone it’s ok… but if you want to be with somebody then i get it… but it’s not necessary if you are ok with being alone.
Aziz, i have friends but i hear them only on the phone… I cant sit calmly still on a coffee now… I even have problems talking…
@lekkerhondje, the problem is, that i was isolated between 4 walls since 20 years… And i am getting old… I dont want to die alone, not really, idk… Its not like i had a life before the sz, i was isolating since kid, while i am 40 years old now and i start to suffocate from this no life…
Why can’t you sit calmly if you don’t talk? I also don’t talk much. Its not a problem.
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I cant sit calmly, cause i feel some physical hallucinations in my body… Plus i tend to get angry of that situation etc, i dont want to be this kind of person…
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i am angry instead of enjoying…
Maybe force yourself? Keep busy with something like eating, drinking coffee or chewing gum, thats what I do.
Yeah, i try to get rid of my symptoms at home even… We can work on your healthier minds at home too, isnt it?
I suffer around my friends, i am like that now… They go outside all the time, i am a bit jealous so i get sad around them… I stopped going out with them until i get rid of my vices 
Plus ive said it to you, i have my conversion disorder, i am in pain outside, i feel all kind of sensations in my body, which shouldnt be there…
I find, that i should make my thinking more positive. Idk if its doable at home…
thank you for the answers, my problem is that even when i was outside before, before my dx i was just angry and anhedonic… No matter what joys i had in front of me… I got desperate about that…
What do you mean?
Regardless, its still better to go outside your home sometimes.
I mean, that i experience still jealousy and anger… I dont want to be seen much with that, it kills it all… But maybe its my mistake too, yeap… The others are cool on that i find, they know what its about, but i am fed up of being like that…
Well, for the going outs, i now do it almost every day, but always alone. Cause i get paranoid even if my mom is around me now outside, i always think, that the others listen to us and that theyll judge me badly… But i go outside now every day for some 20 minutes. But always in my neighborhood, always alone etc… I wasnt doing even that before…
But i really aim to feel real better inside of me… less fear, less bad emotions, more peace, more pleasure… Its a no life for me for 20 years folks, its a lot… I was accepting my handicap before, without wanting nothing else more… Shouldnt i want now to feel better at least? I know, that the sz is till life, there will be the tough stigma too… But at least, to care less and feel better in my body, soul and heart…
Its a pity the meds dont help me much, but they maintain me though…
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Thats good progress and already better than me. I just go out once every few weeks, sometimes with parents or sometimes my friends pick me up.
Marilyn Monroe’s mother was schizophrenic is all I could find out for diagnosis, which you already knew.
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Yeap, it s a progress ok. But i never lived till now, aziz, never… i am sick since kid sheesh… Thats why i want more now… Oh yeah… My main point was, that the total despair and the total given up was big part of my symptoms since i am a teenager… I had head problems even though, that i was almost the first in my class… One class mate once told me even, that i will go far in my life, while i said nothing to that, cause i was already totally given up, plus i was already seeing myself as a mi… This is rare, aziz… i never saw a person who thought about himself, that he is mi before the dx… I was suspecting already that i dont turn fine… I had no confidence, i had no future in my head, i wasnt going out much, i almost even didnt talk… And i literally was having some kind of black outs in my head already, no matter, that for some things i was smart… I knew nothing about the relationships, about myself etc…
The despair is still here… Its also a sin for the orthodox christians, but this is not a big deal…
I find that my case is that of the Joker in the movie… He was saying to his shrink, that he has only negative thoughts… This screwed up my thinking, aziz… This screwed up my spirit so now i try to change on my thinking… Idk why i was so desperate, there was a terror at home though…
I tried to kill myself already at the age of 20. In my 30s, i landed up in the psychiatry here, i counted on them, that theyll manage to help me, but it didnt work out either… I wasnt even relieved from my paranoia… And ive really tried though, i took all their meds, one pdoc even told me, that i was given way too many meds…
I have one other crap too… I become narcoleptic for some few hours in the evenings since a kid, idk what is that…
You know, this pdoc told me also, that the szs dont suffer like that, maybe now i am just fukked up psychologically idk…
But yeah, now i want to fight for my future, but my tempo is slow… My last 2 friends are both ill , but one of them doesnt even believe that she is ill, she cant understand me well which is saddening to me 
… But we had a history with her, but i am just too sad around her… Before, when we were going out with her, she was having all the men flirting with her, while none of them was looking at me… And now, even my mother says, that the men will always prefer her, cause she is skinnier and not loose as me…
I have somebody else too now, online, one guy from here, who tries to help me, but idk if the teachings can help me a lot… I take that though, i listen, i try to see some truths too now finally at this stage of my life…
Anyway, lets fight Aziz yeap, sometimes i see the hope… My sz is hard, cause i have the conversion disorder as well, this changes the game a lot tbh… Yeap, for my ex pdoc i was a paranoid sz with lots of negative symptoms too… But some others still wonder on me, i had the bpd as well, but i find myself too severe to be just a bpd… For my online friend those illnesses are not genetic, but my father died because he had some kind of psychosis in his end too… Alive, he was beating till death my mom and my sister too…
Aziz, youve progressed too dear! So keep walking. You should know about me, that now my goal is to feel better, but idk when this will happen lol… heh…
My mom now advised me the movie of Woody Allen ‘‘Anything else’’, but she said that the girl character in the movie is like a slutt one. The girl just has some problems, doesnt give sex to her bf and now i feel as a slutt too heh… anyway…
Yeap, for Monroe… Her mom was a sz, thats right. I guess Marilyn wasnt it, thats true, but was affected by that i guess, she had a hard fate too…
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I thought you were talking about the sex tape mentioned at the end of your article. It was a sex tape made in the 1940’s, supposedly of Marilyn. I read a whole article that had good proof it wasn’t her.
Marilyn Monroe appeared dumb in her movies but irl she was a smart and shrewd business person.
She was no dumb blonde
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