Almost every day this week. My follow up is thrusday, can’t come fast enough. I don’t really feel alright anymore. I can’t grasp where i’m at cognitively most of the time, I used be a lot better at identifying my symptoms. I have no idea how long ago that was though. I have no sense of time. Something could have been yesterday or months ago, it’s all in the same place.
I worry I might have bipolar aspects of my condition, my nurse asked me about that last week I think. She was talking about manic symptoms, not feeling tired after staying up all night. I’ve been that way for a long time though, since boot camp.
I remember taking the neuropsych test, I think I did worst at visual memory, which makes sense. I have a very hard time remembering people’s faces. I wonder if that’s why things always look so strange, because they are? Because as of late i’ve never seen them before again
It’s not even just me, I frequently have strange daydreams about what i would do if other people attacked me, and just now I was off in a fantasy of my stepdad killing himself, he was recently diagnosed with depression. It’s unwarranted hypothetical situations all the time. This is what my violent thoughts are like, it’s like having a dream inside your head while you’re going about your day and things.
It doesn’t seem to fill the space for thought, I can still think about what i’m doing, but that’s there at the same time. It’s awful and kindof terrifying. I’m not sure if this is paranoia, anxiety, or something else entirely.
Often times I feel like things that usually happen without thought are thought about, there’s an aspect of my internal dialogue that desperately tries to make sense of other humans. Say there’s a commercial with somebody proposing with a ring, most people think of love, marriage, etc, but there’s a part of my brain that says “he gives her a shiny rock to prove he is a good mate”
That’s one of the things that bothers me the most. I can hear the words, I know the things, I see the people, but the parts don’t come together, it’s all separate
I almost feel like I have the opposite of schizophrenia, instead of realistic anomalies, I see an anomolous reality.
I can relate to such experiences. These thoughts that make explicit what is going on. Indeed, precisely those things that used to go without saying. For me these thoughts were similar to intrusive thoughts, in the sense that I could not quite help having them, or maybe obsessive thinking is the better term.
These thoughts upset me. Because it were the simplest things, the most obvious ones in a sense, that came to mind explicitly in this way. Made me feel so simple-minded. So I would see a friend smile at his girlfriend or something, and an explicit thought like “they are bf and gf because they really like each other” would pop up. The dullest thoughts really, like, the things a kid that is just learning to speak would say.
I mentioned this on your other thread, but the violent thoughts and urges sound like a type of OCD that deals purely with obsessive thoughts. Pretty much everyone in the world has fleeting thoughts like, “what if I took this fork and stabbed it through my hand?” Or something like that. For most people they just shrug it off as a weird thought and it fades away.
For those with OCD, the thoughts are frightening and alarming. We start to think we are bad people because we have these thoughts. When the thoughts come, we obsess over them instead of just letting them drift past. We think nobody else has such disturbing thoughts and fantasies, and blame ourselves for having them.
Violent thoughts? You mentioned boot camp. Well, I’ve researched the psychology of boot camp (basic training). I myself was trained in hand to hand outside of the military. I get violent thoughts and reminisce on the fights I’ve been in. It’s normal to be a bit inclined to violent thoughts with the formula of formal training and then psychosis. It’s our defense against threats, period.
I exercise a lot, including boxing and kickboxing on a punching bag in my back yard with my friends. It helps.
Sorry you have this crap to deal with. I know that it’s not fun. It’s torture.