Am I the only one who doesn't know?

I mean…on earth. Out of all six or so billion of us. I have no idea what’s going on here. I put this in unusual beliefs (isn’t reality often stranger than fiction? As in reality=unusual)

I’m now 33…looking back over my life. Once thought I had a normal happy childhood…then came the “delusional” “false” memories of this, that and whatnot. Trauma…conspiracy…general unhappiness. Then came the diagnosis…hadn’t worked in 2 years…diagnosis=disability check (that’s what it was) Fell off the face of the planet and fell out with friends (work or basically die for all I care mentality)

Then came the photographs…that’s me…but no memory of being that person…sheer horror. Mother…gave me photographs…father…took them. Gone. Imagine yourself seeing yourself over weight and barely looking like you…sitting holding a baby…or with badly self cut hair holding your arm around your own brother…no memory of being this person. Pictures…disappear.

Telepathy…occasional thing…mostly delusions and emotional pain and identity issues…diagnosis…schioaffective disorder. But…telepathy…occasionally I’d as if “hear” seemingly the thoughts of others. But looking back…it would for long periods of time go away…but looking back…it was there. With clarity…looking back…it was there…but then I’d forget and it would be gone.

But…they’ve now in recent years tortured me with what I (and the sick and sadistic “voice” in my head) apparently refer to as “the voice”

Nobody cares…I’m locked in hell…nobody cares…the people who do this to me…I love…LOVE. It’s not real…in your mind…but they act in ways that tell me it’s real. Went too far for me to go back. TORTURE. The voice I hear is racist, sick, sexual, confusing, contradicting to the point of endless tears…everytime I see someone with dark skin…it’s the N-word…it says things of a sexual nature when I’m around kids…and these people…they respond back. It’s ME they say…can’t be anything else.

I’m in hell…I’m well meaning…not perfect…senile at an early age.

The “voice” is my father…I know it is…and he is a well positioned and respected member of his community…the opposite of “the voice”

And…well…everybody seems to (I know they do but can’t sanely deal with it) HEAR whats being not of my control said in my OWN HEAD. They call me the worst of things…which I am not. Then some say I’m being lied to (which I am…openly so) Some…have been open in talking about it.

Basically…What the HELL is going on? I don’t care what you do to me…I’d lay my life down before what seems to me this great miserable monstrosity of seeming injustice (just not by my own hand which IT demands of me)

Anyone…Anyone on this entire planet…what the heck is this?

There…unusual belief of mine. I’m crazy…now what? (I’m a decent human being damnit)

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Are you on meds?

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yes…and fifteen good characters to you.

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You sound like I was before I went on meds. Have you tried different meds?

Unfortunately the answer to all your concerns might be the right meds, either current or future.

To answer your question, what’s going on is you’re mentally ill, like all of us. The solution is hospital,meds, constant contact with medical professionals.

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I’m sorry you are so upset @mussel I hope you find the right meds that will take away your torture.

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hey mussel…listen noone can read your thoughts i promise…
i used to hear everybody’s voices around me but it’s not real…i got to the stage you are at and even questioned if i was the last human being in the face of the earth but its really not real…
.you sound a lot like i was a while back…
mine started with about 3 voices, then the female voice got a name, then a few more voices were added to the mix…then bam!! i had everybody on the planet it seemed but it was crap…no one was listening to me…
i distinctly remember one experience of taking my then young daughter into a shop and there was a necklace she wanted…i bought my stuff and the lovely gentleman behind the counter said she could have the necklace for nothing…all the while he was sayng this i could hear him in my head saying terrfying things and my dauhter’s voice in my head saying terrifying things back…but it wasn;t real at all…
i was sick…everywhere i went and anyone i interacted with, i could hear them inside my mind…and it was like day of the bloody dead and i was waiting to be beaten to death everywhere i went every day for about 6 months at a time…it does get better
no med i have ever tried has ever touched the voices but it has calmed me down enough to realize that they are not real. they do impressions of anyone and everyone but i know it’s not real…it;s only being calm and gaining grounding and thinking logically that can end your torture…believe me i know how you’ve suffered as i suffered the same for a while…please don’t believe the voices…read this and believe me. i cannot hear your thoughts and you cannot hear mine, although i bet if we were in the same room, you would probably hear my voice and i would probably hear yours but i know that you are not telepathic and neither am i. hope this helps xxx

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Lack of insight was something I struggled with my whole life until I took meds. It wasn’t til two years ago that I could have fathomed other people think too. I thought I was the only one who thought. I couldn’t comprehend there was a mind inside those peoples skulls too and not just my own. That’s just an example of my lack of insight I had.

Sorry for your pain. Do you have access to the mental health services? You could tell them everything and trust them to help increase (i know i know - it helped me beyond words though) or change your meds (dangerous but it could be that your meds aren’t working right now…

I think we’ve all been there or we wouldn’t be sharing back on this forum… it’s okay - no one can read your mind. I think you will do okay if you get on the right meds - that’s all i can say because that is all there is to it

apart from long term avoiding stress - it’s just meds

What I can say is emotional withdrawal and mental withdrawal might have similar effects on sufferer. It is depersonalisation, IMO.
I can see you are still good at forming sentences and convey your message to us. I am trying to understand symptoms like yours and hope that I will succeed one day.

This I can relate to. Happened to me as well. In my case, though, it wasn’t a voice saying these things, these words came rather in the form of intrusive/inserted thoughts. Meaning it was in some sense like my own ‘mental’ voice was thinking these things, though it felt like I was not in control of it.

I was, like you say, tortured by these thoughts. They were about the most extreme things thinkable. In my case, there were hallucinations holding me accountable for these thoughts and blaming and shaming me for them etc. This got a loop of endless embarressment and confusion about my identity going.

Some things that may help you, though not so easy. Try putting things in perspective. These extreme thoughts, how do they match up with how you used to think in the past? A person can only change so much - this is too much to identify with.

Another thing, also to do with perspective, is the following. In my case, the themes of these extreme thoughts (racism, sexual stuff, violent stuff) would alternate over time. So a few weeks of this, then a few weeks of that. I noticed this at some point, and it helped me to discard it, by thinking something like “oh well in a few weeks there will be some other ■■■■■■■■”.

Yet another thing that helped me was paying attention to my emotions whenever such thoughts would occur. When they were sexual in nature, I did not feel arousal of any kind. When violent, I did not feel the tension that comes with genuine agression. This helped me to not identify with such thoughts.

There is also something with the sheer extremity and variety of themes of such thoughts. It is too much too quickly, in a sense, to take seriously.

Notice that almost any taboo topic will do. Taboo is here not only what society condemns, but also what you condemn. This is sz playing its game, it undermines and opposes the things we used to be most sure about. It sucks big time. But you do get upset by these thoughts. Try to identify with that part of you. You being upset about these topics tells you who you are, and where you stand. Someone who would endorse such thoughts, would not be upset by them.

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I appreciate your postings on this topic, I am trying t use your advice in my own life, you seem to be a very strong person.

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Thank you for what you wrote here. I’m going to copy/paste it into my therapy journal. I’ll refer back to it as needed. You’ve helped me dispel my delusional thoughts and thinking. There are times when delusional thinking fights me very hard, it’s not easy to stay in reality. The crazy thoughts pull me in and no one is around to tell me what you wrote here. So, it does help. Thank you.

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  1. Get properly diagnosed by a board-certified psychopharmacologist who specializes in the psychotic disorders. One can find them at…
    http://doctor.webmd.com/find-a-doctor/specialty/psychiatry and https://psychiatrists.psychologytoday.com/rms/
    .
  2. Work with that “psychiatrist” (or “p-doc”) to develop a medication formula that stabilizes their symptoms sufficiently so that they can tackle the psychotherapy that will disentangle their thinking.
    .
  3. Psychotherapies for that currently include…
    DBT – http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm
    MBSR – http://www.mindfullivingprograms.com/whatMBSR.php
    MBCT - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22340145
    ACT – https://contextualscience.org/act
    .
  4. the even newer somatic psychotherapies like…
    MBBT – https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/introduction-mind-body-bridging-i-system
    SEPT – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing
    SMPT – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensorimotor_psychotherapy
    .
  5. or standard CBTs, like…
    REBT – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy
    Schematherapy – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_Therapy
    Learned Optimism – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_optimism
    Standard CBT – https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Treatment/Psychotherapy & scroll down
    .
  6. Get two or more of those “down,” and one can use the skills therefrom in this way to combat delusional thinking and emotional reactivity very quickly:
    10 StEP – http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-10-steps-of-emotion-processing.html
    .
  7. If you/she/he needs a professional intervention to get through treatment resistance, I would use those search tools in item 2 above. Look for clinics that include intervention and treatment resistance services.
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  8. If you or your sz patient suddenly becomes manic: http://www.currentpsychiatry.com/specialty-focus/bipolar-disorders/article/what-to-do-when-your-depressed-patient-develops-mania/f3218a38f6603114ff2f9d9bfc21acfb.html?
    .
  9. Look into the RAISE Project at https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=raise%20program%20schizophrenia.
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  10. Look for mental illness clubhouses in your area (which can be hugely helpful… but may also pose risks). Dig through the many articles at https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=mental%20illness%20clubhouse%20model to locate and investigate them.

:penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin: I like penguins.

Thanks for sharing, mussel.

Yeah I experienced that kind of hell you write about for about three years. I was on the meds and following suggestions, but the insanity wouldn’t let up. It was exhausting! Then over the course of about 72 hours, which I spent in bed, the psychosis let up the way a fever breaks.

In the last three decades plus, there have been difficult times, but never again those times without light.

When the psychosis broke, we lowered the meds to half of what I had been taking.

Jayster

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