I don’t know what I’m going to name this topic - because really I’m just looking for answers and understanding.
I’m not SZ or Bi-Polor, I don’t have depression or anxiety, I have no fear of people or am I parnoide. Over the last while I’v been asking myself if I should even be on this forum, What kind of help could I be if any help at all. I hear voices sometimes see shadows and I feel them all the time.
It started 4 years ago, I remember the day they apeared. I was so amazed by what I could see hear and feel that I really embraced it and really enjoied it for awhile. When they first came the named me “god” Everytime I came up with an idea they would call me “god”, Everytime I seen something didn’t fit or something was wrong they would call me “god” It happend often then occasionally they would call me Jesus.
Out of curiosity (not about been God) I went online and searched up “men that think they are God” and was shocked to see that there are many many many many many many many men out there that think they are God, The have churches and some of these men have thousands upon thousands of followers and they are multi millionairs. In my bible Jesus tells us that men in these days will come claiming to be Him. I have excluded myself from others, from churches, and from teachings just incase I unknownly or innocently formed a cult. That was one fear (a smallesh one) But my biggest fear is decieving people and leading them astray because If I ever did that I believe I would deserve the worse death and afterlife imagainable. (Hell)
Now 4 years later they only call me “god” sometimes, very rearly. But I still keep from going to church or interacting with others because I still have that fear. I’v done an extencive studdy on Bibical Prophecy and I can see how easy it is to minipulate the truth and my newish fear is that if I ever went to a church that they (the voices) would minipulate me- Or atleast try to. I would love to be part of a church/group with like minded people to share what I know but it seems imposable. because of fear.
From the time the voices came to now they seem lesser and lesser (I can bearly understand them) , Maybe it’s because I don’t want to talk to them or know them… I dunno.
I know I have 100 million questions that can’t be answered, I know they can’t be answered but yet I still keep looking for answers. It’s like looking for a unicorn you see pictures but never find one.
I don’t have schizophrenia, But I also don’t know a title to describe myself.
4 years ago When This first started I was sent into hospital, I was there for a week. I talked about what I seen/heared/felt to the doctors but they never gave me meds or suggested them. When I was let out of hospital I had some follow up meetings at my local town with the doctor- The last meeting he told me I was looking great and doing great like he forgot everything I told him in the Hospital.
Well this turned out to be another vent, Venting in hopes it brings understanding new understanding. Or maybe I understand and have all the answers I need but I refuse to stop looking?
I do know something is missing. And I don’t know what.