Venting about the mother unit

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I really got say it somewhere. I’d like to hear to someone relate.

My mother and I have both good and bad conversations and a ■■■■-load of arguments.

She’s recently dropped her belief in the supernatural/religion. Her family has a strong back-bone of religiosity to it. Her life has been spent moving from one church community to another. She’s a pianist and it keeps her somewhat centralized around the on-goings of the church, both as a notable member and a big part of the gatherings on a functional level.

That was interesting to talk about… The transition she’s been going through. Right now she is staunchly athiest. I used to be that way. I get it, but it’s painful to me to see someone who should be more socially mature than me flipper about in the mode of conversation that is vengeful and belittling.

She even lights up about it in public. It’s like she’s trying to make an impact on people. Which I was also this way… but again she’s far older than me. It’s sad to think I’m going to have to explain to her why she shouldn’t talk like that. Like I’m not even going to do it. For that first reason… but also…

If she quits talking about athiesm or asking me about math/physics/science… the topicality falls to ■■■■. She starts gossiping about people I don’t care to think about and instances I’d rather just let go of.

I’ve been pissed all day because she started a conversation. “Well I don’t want to upset you… but let’s talk about [insert name].”… What kind of hidden intentional ■■■■ is that. The end lesson from her was guard your heart… but she had no idea to just be reassuring and tell me how to empower myself.

This man did something… rather disrespectful to me. All parties that were actually involved resolved what was going on or whatever in a satisfactory way and all that… but my mother just likes to gossip.

It’s really annoying… That’s all I’ll say. She works hard and to her that makes her feel mature. Because she’s never felt respected she just barks and barks and barks… poor word choice, but figuratively it’s the best I can do. She ties me into past selves and situations I already understand. She uses it to make me feel limited and cautious. It’s just stupid. It’s the same looping conversation I’ve had with her since high school.

I don’t do the things that distracted me from success in the past. I also have my psychosis, more in check, then the last time I attempted school.

She hates that I’m so particular when she’s had to accept so many things she didn’t like in her path to where she is at.

Her solution is online coursework… That doesn’t seem like a school experience to me. I like doing things face to face. Having questions answered in real time. Having the opportunity to meet people. Being a real person to the teachers instead of just a name (at least in some measure.)

Bah… it’s just bah…

You know I really don’t like fleeting personalities. I have to much seriousness to me. Even in my most drunken state I’m still too damn serious. It’s absurd. I don’t really feel I have any say in it. I like the serious mindset. It keeps me aware. I’m trying to learn to live in the moment, but nothing really distracts me from the back of my mind rolling over the craptastic ■■■■■■■■ my relations keep putting into my head. Namely her… she’s a worrier. Then she has a beer and everything gets sugar coated but its the same opionated crap… It’s like “mom I aint ever nearly drunk enough to cry about this ■■■■. I had this sorted out and now you go prodding because either you have no idea how to talk to me, or you’ve got a bias of vengeance in digging up my frustrations.”

So I’m sitting here trying to play video games and then eventually give up because my mind won’t get off this topic.

I love her and I love [insert name] they both family… I’ve just let it be water under the bridge with [insert name] because he seemed past it and I was committed to being over it as quickly as possible… the real issue lies with someone else… but that person had made things right with me as well.

It’s my mother though. She just throws on this traditionalist unrealistic immature slant on things that reminds me of how stupid it is that social identity plays a role in so many things. That expectations mandate the dismissal of honesty and forgiveness. That when stories are told to people, the societal expectations of “who won?” have to be explained away and crap like that…

I only mentioned a very sweet and sentimental note from someone… and she made it a craptastic ■■■■ show in the middle of an applebee’s (we were the only ones sitting at the bar and it wasn’t very loud in there.) Ended up her talking about rape and crap. Rape, sexploitation, where is the boundary when a girl is drunk and willing?. It’s like these are ■■■■■■■ families in here ma!

She would assume innocence upon the female and blame the man for it happening. These boys need to stop taking advantage of girls when they’re drunk… I’m like well yeah… but some girls have separated themselves from sex is the essence of their virtue crap and are just looking to get some too.

So… errrhhh… just had to spill my frustrations to spell them out. I hate social ego. It’s intertwined into how we’re allowed to feel about things. It’s put back upon if we ever try to vent about personal occurrences. We have to be able to defend our story or lay blame on someone else at all times… it’s a ■■■■■■■ mess. My true feelings are deeper than just being a character in the world.

It’s kind of eye opening… but gossip is one of the blights of my life… nuff said.

oh well, oh well, oh well

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Maybe she has a touch of histrionic. My own mother only really “comes to life” when she is gossiping about other people, but by now I’ve figured out that it’s because my mother loves an audience, a captive one preferably, but she also doesn’t want any dirt about her own self going around. So she tries to enhance stories about others, the more dramatic the better. It used to drive me insane, but now I just try to think of it as… My mother is doing this right now because she feels a need for attention, and this is the main way she knows how to get it. So I just pretend to give a damn because I’m really giving a damn about her, not the juicy story about her coworker whom I don’t even know.

As for the atheism thing, I think it’s a bounce-back effect. If you feel like you’ve been brainwashed for most of your life, then you might also feel the need to be really, uh, intense about rejecting it. I’ve seen tons of people go through it and most of them mellowed out once it sunk in for them that it wasn’t a huge deal and crowds of people weren’t gathering to judge them.

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My mom has similar behaviors. I wish I could get her into therapy. I’m glad I’m moving out soon.

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I used to wish the same for my mother until I finally accepted that you cannot help people with Cluster B personality disorders, including Histrionic and Narcissistic (and yes Borderlines like myself). The best thing to do is to create very strong, healthy boundaries and protect yourself.

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good point… fifteen fifteen fifteen

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First of all, show your mother some respect, she was your caregiver and is your supporter in all of your journey so far, she’s not “mother unit” she’s mom or mum or mama :smile: she probably deals with a lot of crap from you too.

Second, if she won’t go to therapy than there’s nothing you can do. Venting is good, but it seems like you put standards on others that they will never achieve.

Try looking to her qualities, we tend to blame our parents for their every little mistakes and issues and fail to see the big picture.

There, now be mad at me I don’t care.

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Some of us had shitty caregivers, mine were, you never really know someone’s history with their parents automatically. I can totally relate to his experiences with his mother creating inappropriate scenes in public, and also drilling away at sensitive topics when it’s obvious you don’t want to discuss them. Emotionally dysfunctional parents can be even worse than just physically abusive parents. Most of the time I highly value your reality-check persona here on these forums (where we often need it badly lol), but please try to remember that having emotionally dysfunctional parents since the day you were born can do a number on a person.

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I don’t want to put azley on the spot here, but I’ve been talking to him long enough to know what I’m saying.
And I’m partially joking.

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Thank you for that advice. She has been trying to take over my computer lately. She just had her wifi turned off to save money. I have wifi on my Dad’s account and I’m sure he wouldn’t want his ex wife using it. I try to help her with stuff, but she always starts at 10pm which is too late for that stuff.

Again, I’m happy to be moving away.

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it’s all good @minnii… I just have to avoid conversations like that…

I’m a terribly insecure person… doesn’t help the particular one who swayed me…

I’ll try and be more fair in my thoughts towards her… it’s proven inevitable though my mom is gonna piss me off. It’s easy to forget all the things shes done for me in those situations.

There isn’t much left for me to learn from her any more though. I can only get her paranoia and ranting if I raise any serious issues.

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I can relate. My mom passed away a couple of decades ago. I have to say our relationship gets healthier with each passing year, which should give you an idea about it.

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As terrible as all that sounds I hear ya…

My mom’s not that bad. We get along until we start talking basically… Each conversation one of us gets upset somehow… every time.

It’s annoying. It’s like she feels to old to have to change herself or her behaviors. Meanwhile I’m changing everything continuously to make my passing through this crap easier and better for everyone else.

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If it’s any consolation, I have little patience for my moms issues as well. But I know she’s a good person, and that’s all that matters really. When she’s on her nervous sprees I just back off and become silent, she gets that I don’t want interactions then.

We all have issues with our parents. I used to idolize my father until I knew he was an assh*le. Now I’m just a little bitter and sad about the whole situation I lived with him.

But I think your mom loves you, and that you have a good mother. Don’t take it for granted, it’s all I was saying.

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Mother unit, is that a star trek reference?!

As in kirk unit:

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Just remember—moms (and dads) are people too. :grin: They’re not perfect by any means but then again, neither are we. My mom and I still manage to “push each others buttons” after all these years (I’m a lot older than you @Azley). I don’t get upset about it these days and neither does she—I guess we’re both learning.

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