I have gotten used to my voices over the years, but it’s the delusions that knock me down. I’ve been reading up on these bad boys and I see all the “usual suspects”
Referential, Grandiose, Persecution, Religious, Somatic, Control: Then the many books I’ve read mention the delusions dealing with aliens, zombies, on and on… None of these ring true for me. I don’t seem to fit any of these.
I have a huge delusion/ paranoia about kidnappers, drunk frat house boys who put knock out drugs in girls drinks and take advantage, human traffickers who kidnap children. Coaches and teachers and priest who sexually abuse students… I freaked out both of my youngest siblings with constant vigilance about kidnappers and sexual abusers. By the peak of my illness I had my youngest sibs convinced that EVERY adult was a danger. Teachers, coaches, shop keepers, cops, collage boys, not one adult was safe, not even distant uncles or older cousins. I alone was the ONLY one who will never abuse them.
When I was in the thick of it I remember a doctor was telling me my fear was a paranoid delusion. I remember buying a huge amount of milk cartons and flattening them gently to show the “Have you seen me” missing kid panels and bring that to him as “proof” that kidnappers exist. Then I printed off news article after news article about teachers and priest who hurt children. (Remember, Seattle is not only the home of Ted Bundy, and the Green River Killer, it’s also the home of Mary K Letourneau.)
I remember thinking that these milk cartons and news paper clippings just proved everything. How could he argue? I also remember every time he said anything I just slapped another milk carton on his desk daring him to say it was a delusion. Milk carton after milk carton until his desk was full of missing kids. He was trying to tell me that not every human in the world was a kidnapper and my younger siblings were not in constant danger. I was trying to tell him, “It only takes one, and I have to find him before he finds us.”
I’m trying to figure out if that was a Persecution delusion or just good ole paranoia.
I was wondering about that too. I was just going through some old boxes and I found my milk cartons. I’m throwing them out. I don’t even see that doctor any more. I just remember arguing with the guy about my problem with kidnappers. He was saying that kidnappers aren’t around as much I thought they were.
My father used to laugh when we said we were afraid of the boogyman/kidnappers, he would reply “don’t worry, you kids are so rotten the boogyman would bring you back and drop you off at the doorstep”
I think paranoia would be being afraid that something is going to happen. For example getting kidnapped. Where as a delusion would be thinking that you have been kidnapped when you haven’t been.
Very true. I’ve never thought I’ve been kidnapped. But I’ve accused other people of kidnapping my siblings. I think I’m getting a little worse again.
My kid sis and I did the shopping yesterday and she just walked into a large market yesterday and seemed to forget everything I spent my life trying to teach her. She just walked in with out looking through the window first to find the fire exit, where to go in case of danger, What isles are poorly lit and should be avoided. Are any areas too boxed in with no isle of escape… are there security cameras, fire sprinklers, more then one set of exit doors? She didn’t look for any of that. When I called her on it she looked a little sad and said, “Oh, we still have to do that? we’ve gone so long with out it.” It made me think that maybe I’m slipping again. I didn’t realize I had quit doing that for a while.
my first delusion was, i was convinced i was in hell, and i would get 100,000 deaths of punishment, me and the devil destroyed the world,and forever i would be in hell suffering all types of death
in the hospital i thought some man was jesus and i begged for mercy, i was tied to the bed for 24 hours suffering and weeping because i atempted to jump out the hospital window because i thought i had to escape
, i also had a hallucination of the devil it was in the form of a ape, i had so much fear in me a state of pure psyhcosis and this devil molested me i can still picture it in my head and the smell of this beast it felt so real, i thought was in entirnal punishment and god did not want any thing to do with me
My false memories lead me to paranoia and paranoia is followed by delusions. I don’t have paranoia without false persecutory memory. I can handle paranoia but i prey God that i wont go into delusion.
