I have gotten used to my voices over the years, but it’s the delusions that knock me down. I’ve been reading up on these bad boys and I see all the “usual suspects”
Referential, Grandiose, Persecution, Religious, Somatic, Control: Then the many books I’ve read mention the delusions dealing with aliens, zombies, on and on… None of these ring true for me. I don’t seem to fit any of these.
I have a huge delusion/ paranoia about kidnappers, drunk frat house boys who put knock out drugs in girls drinks and take advantage, human traffickers who kidnap children. Coaches and teachers and priest who sexually abuse students… I freaked out both of my youngest siblings with constant vigilance about kidnappers and sexual abusers. By the peak of my illness I had my youngest sibs convinced that EVERY adult was a danger. Teachers, coaches, shop keepers, cops, collage boys, not one adult was safe, not even distant uncles or older cousins. I alone was the ONLY one who will never abuse them.
When I was in the thick of it I remember a doctor was telling me my fear was a paranoid delusion. I remember buying a huge amount of milk cartons and flattening them gently to show the “Have you seen me” missing kid panels and bring that to him as “proof” that kidnappers exist. Then I printed off news article after news article about teachers and priest who hurt children. (Remember, Seattle is not only the home of Ted Bundy, and the Green River Killer, it’s also the home of Mary K Letourneau.)
I remember thinking that these milk cartons and news paper clippings just proved everything. How could he argue? I also remember every time he said anything I just slapped another milk carton on his desk daring him to say it was a delusion. Milk carton after milk carton until his desk was full of missing kids. He was trying to tell me that not every human in the world was a kidnapper and my younger siblings were not in constant danger. I was trying to tell him, “It only takes one, and I have to find him before he finds us.”
I’m trying to figure out if that was a Persecution delusion or just good ole paranoia.