Have you cut any toxic people out of your life? + Rant

Lounge
1

So, I just need to vent a little bit.

My older sister, 30 yo, was diagnosed with cancer about 6 months ago. It recently metastasized (spread) from her cervix (end of the uterus; reproductive organ) to her cervical spine (neck region). She recently went through a 4 hour surgery to remove a big tumor from her neck.

Anyway, she (my sister) is an incredibly awful, terrible, toxic person. She treats everyone like garbage, screams/snaps at her 7 yo daughter, emotionally abuses & simultaneously neglects her 7 yo daughter, is extremely self-entitled, brutally selfish, among other horrible traits & behaviors.

I cut my sister out of my life at the end of March. I planned on possibly never speaking to her again. But then in the middle of May, my dad called me to say she was in the ER with a tumor, e.g. the cancer had spread. I cried, because I love her and I was afraid to lose her, even though we hadn’t spoken for 1.5 months. So, I drove to the ER, immediately, and gave her one of my own personal and favorite blankets - a red blanket covered in white hearts.

My husband and I stayed with her for hours… up until the point my sister started abusing the surgeon/doctor who would be doing the tumor removal surgery. She was being extremely rude, belittling, and cold to him. I called her out on it, then an argument ensued, so I left.

A week later, her 7 yo daughter needed to go to her ballet recital. I cleared my calendar, drove my niece to the ballet recital, stayed there for 2 hours, then drove my niece to the hospital to see my sister / niece’s mom. I made sure to take pictures of my niece and filmed her part of performance. My sister completely freaked out at me, later, because I apparently didn’t take enough pictures, didn’t get a picture of niece with flowers in front of the backdrop (FYI: nobody mentioned this to me beforehand as something to do), and other complaints. I told my sis that she just be grateful.

THEN (same night), my sister started cussing out the healthcare staff (doctors, nurses, MA’s, etc). That’s when I came to the decision to never ever talk to her again. I left without saying goodbye to her.

I let her cancer and health status be an excuse to deal with her & her BS. But y’know what? Even sh***y people get cancer. That doesn’t mean you have to put up them. She’s toxic. Always has been, always will be.

I. AM. DONE.

/ end rant

4 Likes
2

Sorry to hear about everything that has transpired between you and your sister. It puts you in a very tough spot, for sure

I doubt it makes it seem any better, but I think we all have at least one toxic person in our life. I have one friend who I have blocked on my phone for over 2 months now. We’ve always been close, but he’s become so negative and self-pitying I can’t take it anymore

It sounds like you’ve made up your mind

1 Like
3

I left my family behind when I turned 18, it would be nice to have family, just not that one. It was hell growing up and I had no respect for any of them, so why bother.

So I know how hard it is to walk away, but only you can decide when and where, I don’t allow toxic people in my life and no one should. Sounds like you should move on.

5 Likes
4

I think that it depends on whether you can deal with it or not. I think it is necessary to cut toxic people out of your life, but in your case it’s your sister.
Family is important and you also have a niece.
If you can deal with it I think you should not cut ties.
Have your sister been there for you when you ever felt bad?
Also she is very ill, if it gets worse and unfortunately pass away, wouldn’t you feel bad about not being there for her and your niece?

For my part I already cut ties with 2 of my former friends because they were selfish, always talked about their problems and when I felt bad they were not there.
Also one never was grateful when I offered her some gifts. and so on

well I hope you will feel better soon, good luck to you !

1 Like
5

I cut out my entire family and recently my in-laws.

My family is a bunch of racist, entitled, religious cherry pickers. They sided with my alcoholic, physically and mentally abusive ex when I left him. So I cut everyone off. Haven’t spoken to then in 20 odd years.

My in-laws are pure trash. Well, MIL and FIL. I have contact with BIL. But my husband’s parents are just awful people. For example, BIL was caught doing something marginally bad at 16 and she tells him, no lie, "I just don’t love you anymore. "

To a 16 year old kid. Because he was caught with pot.

She allowed FIL, my husband’s stepfather, to curse at him and beat him. Then she cheated on him and had 2 kids with another guy. But she still expected him to raise them, though she allows him to curse at them and more.

Trash.

4 Likes
6

When I move out I don’t plan on meeting anyone in my family outside my mum. They ignore me and don’t have my interests in mind. They don’t want to help me yet are annoyed I struggle.

Ive started reading books to help me cope with how dysfunctional and immature my Dad is. Every few months I read a book about dealing with those kind of relationships and it always makes me feel much more grounded in reality, normal and sane.

1 Like
7

Family is meaningless if they dont care for you. My friend said to me recently : cut out people that make you feel small. Start your own family with a network who make you feel whole.

4 Likes
8

My sister also has cancer. And she’s nice to everyone but me. With me, she yells, screams, snaps, argues and will even get physical at times. And her daughter, my niece, refuses to acknowledge my illness. The niece thinks my illness is the result of demon possession and can be prayed away.

I can’t cut off contact with my sister and my niece because I love my little grand nieces and grand nephew and they would not understand.

5 Likes
9

I only have one good relationship with an extended family member these days. The rest are toxic af. My life is better without them.

3 Likes
10

And that’s the problem with family. They’re not as easy to cut loose as say a friend might me.

It doesn’t sound like your sister has long to live from what you’ve said.

So think carefully before you make a decision you might regret.

5 Likes
11

There was this girl who was asking for money. I didn’t know what to do so I blocked her.

I feel bad…I should have told her I couldn’t give her more money.

2 Likes
12

I see where you’re coming from / I understand your point.

Honestly, I might regret not being there if she passes away sometime soon. However, she is so incredibly toxic that just simply not blocking her from my phone means she would calling me at least twice a day to “make a scene” about something. That alone would stress me out, my mental health would spiral from the stress, and … well, I’d have a breakdown. Because of her and just how she is.

She doesn’t truly care about anybody but herself. Back in February, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia while in a flare-up. My sister did show up to show support, but later used it as a method to guilt trip me when I couldn’t drop everything to do something for her. I couldn’t because I was still flaring & my husband’s grandma just died, so we were mourning, plus we had other responsibilities. But I have dropped everything to be there for her a trillion times, and she uses her 1 time of support to me as a manipulating tool.

I can only type out a few things she’s done, here, without writing a whole book.

To put it into perspective how much I have forgiven her for, I will mention this. When I was 15 yo & my sister was 17 yo, she literally tried to murder me in her car, on the way to a family Christmas party nearby. She tried to kill me because I upset her, so she snapped. She tried finding something in the car to stab me with while grabbing my hair and ripping it. I had to fight her off, I opened my passenger side door, and I fell out and landed on asphalt with my back. She sped off, I walked across the highway to a convenience store, and used the store phone to call the cops, while my head was bleeding. My dad didn’t let me press charges, though. So, nothing happened.

I still have nightmares, to this day, about my sister breaking into my house and killing me and my husband.

But I still forgave her, even though she never said sorry, or anything.

That’s how much she sucks. I cannot and will not let her into my life anymore. It has been way too long, dealing with her and all her toxic, terrible, crap.

Sorry, @everhopeful, I kind of got carried away with my response to you. It’s just… there’s so much more to the story that I can’t all mention here. But it’s a lot of bad stuff that led up to my decision, is what I’m trying to say. :frowning_face:

2 Likes
13

Yes I had 2 out of my friends who were toxic so I cut them both.

3 Likes
14

Yes I have. I have no time for toxic people in my life.

3 Likes
15

I’ve cut out toxic friends in the past. I also have a toxic cousin and I limit contact to the bare minimum.

  • it sounds like your sister has a severe case of borderline (although I’m not a doctor)
16

Im so sorry you have to deal with this. I’m sort of facing a similar dilemma right now. My grandpa cut me off from the family, because he doesnt agree with my lifestyle choices of being openly trans and adopting lgbt teenagers. He was recently diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer and probably doesnt have long left. I talked with my therapist and realized I wanted to open the door to give him a chance to talk to me again, but that I couldn’t live with myself if I lied about being sorry for my life choices just to get him to be nice again. So I sent him a text saying I love him and miss him, and if he ever wanted to talk I would be around. I did not apologize or say I was wrong. He has so far ignored it entirely. Now, I am trying to make peace with the idea that my grandpa will NEVER apologize to me, and he will die hating me.

Your sister is probably dying now. But rather than using that as an opportunity to make amends, she is trying to use it as an excuse to keep potential victims closer by so she can keep abusing them to relieve her own stress. I think you have to make the decision you can live with about how to handle her remaining time on earth. I personally couldnt handle going back in the closet to try and appease my grandpa in his final moments. It would take too much emotional toll on me, and on my kid.

4 Likes
17

Y’know, my therapist says that based on everything I’ve told him about her… He thinks that, too! He said it sounds extremely likely that she has borderline personality disorder. I’ve suspected it for a long time and didn’t voice my suspicion of my sister having BPD to my therapist. He just came up with it himself!

2 Likes
18

OMG, I feel so bad for the situation you’re in. I do think it’s best for you to keep your distance from your grandpa. But that’s just my opinion. He doesn’t seem to truly care about you. (many hugs) :purple_heart:

With what you said though, about my sister using her poor health to abuse people more, as a coping mechanism for herself… WOW. That is right on the money. Holy crap, do you have a way with words. :dizzy_face:

I honestly think it’s best for me to keep my distance from my sister. She has caused drama and stress every day of my whole life. I should have walked away sooner. I just wanted to give her a trillion chances before officially walking away for good. She probably thinks I’ll be back, but not this time. You can only abuse people for so long before the victims call you out on your s*** and leave for good. About time.

I wish you the best, Ninja. It’s very sad that your grandpa is so unaccepting and judgemental. I just hope that you have good people in your life who love you no matter what!! Cause, to me, you seem like a wonderful and caring person.

2 Likes
19

This topic was automatically closed 14 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.