Today has been super stressful for me

Okay this will be kind of a rant because I’m just going to put down my thoughts, and emotions as much as I can, but I just need to get all of this off my chest and hopefully talk about it. So I guess the day started out okay. My friend Aj his grandpa has died so that’s tough and the Shadows (What I call my hallucinations) are insisting that its because of me. That when I hang out with my friends I cause them to get hurt and to have problems. They also insist that if I had just killed myself or run away like they had told me too then Aj, and all of my other friends wouldn’t be hurting anymore. So there was that then later in the day some kids were joking about suicide and rape. That really pissed me off so my day went down further. Well after that my friend Mystikal had asked me how the Shadows were doing and I told her that they hadn’t been getting any better. Which is the truth because I’ve been working on not lying about my emotions. I wish I had lied though. So then she asked if she could talk to them. By then I was so overwhelmed with emotions that I felt kind of numb. I felt emotions it’s just that my brain didn’t process them it all. Which is annoying to me. Anyways so she asked them why they wouldn’t leave me alone and I told her what they said. Skipping to the “best” part though she asked Kito/The Boss if she could make a deal. He asked the deal terms. She said that if she were to kill herself then he would have to leave me alone. They talked about it a little bit and Kito even said that if she were to kill herself he wouldn’t leave me alone, but she insisted and kept asking if it was a deal. Kito is saying yes but I’m not going to tell her that so I said that he said no. She kept on asking why though and it was like she wouldn’t except no as an answer. This adds on to what the Shadows are saying that if I weren’t here then my friends wouldn’t be hurt, because she is saying she would commit suicide for me which to me translates into because of me. The school day is over which for me is a relief but now I have home to deal with.

2 Likes

I am so sorry. That is horrible.

My biggest delusion is that I am a demon/evil creature and I live by draining the life force of everyone around me. It caused me to push away all my friends and family. I even ran away and became homeless for a while, just so I would stop “killing” everyone I loved. This is a very tough delusion to deal with, because bad things always happen, and your brain just instantly picks up on them and tells you it’s all your fault.

Try to remember that bad things happen because the world is a random place, and good and bad things happen all the time for no reason at all. If you were to kill yourself, that would break the hearts of everyone you care about and it would be the worst thing you could possibly do to them. Write down a list of all the good things you do for your family and friends. Ask them to help if you can’t think of any. I bet your friend would be happy to give you a list of reasons she is happy you’re in her life.

2 Likes

I haven’t actually ran away or tried to kill myself but the thoughts have definitely been there. I usually try to shut down those thoughts every time they pop up. It works half of the time I think maybe a little over half which I think is an accomplishment. Sadly though haven’t been able to stop cutting completely. It’s not as often now though. I’ll go a couple weeks then I’ll cut for a day or two and I’ll only make about 5-10 cuts in total. Again compared to the past this is good and I’m working on stopping cutting completely. I know that I should throw my ‘tool’ away but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it yet. One day though. I promise.

I think I will try that. It sounds like it might help. I will also try what I can sometime do with some of my other delusions. It only works with ones that I haven’t been believing for a while now. Not sure how to explain it though but pretty much every time a thought that would be a part of a delusion such as me having ‘powers’ or something of the sort. I address it and quickly say no mentally or out loud if I’m alone. I tell myself that it’s not real say no again then push it out of my mind. Works pretty often, not sure why though.

1 Like

Someone once told me this and it made me feel better: the hallucinations play on your deepest fears. Some people fear being hunted or spied on. But what you fear most in the world is causing harm to the people you care about. That says something amazing about the kind of soul you have.

3 Likes

And can I just say once again how incredible your mind is if you have this much control over your delusions? It is a feat most of us can’t manage.

1 Like

That helps a lot actually. I am going to remember that and every time this particular delusion about hurting people pops up I am going to think of this, and if it doesn’t help well I will still think of it. Why? I actually don’t know it’s just calming.

Yeah I’ve seen a little bit of what others have to experience and I’m glad for insight. Hopefully I can figure out how to give insight to others and if not insight then at least help them feel calm at times. That would be great, and if I did that I would feel really accomplished.

2 Likes

Tip for cutting get a red marker pen and use that over cutting you get the marks the look you may get the same or close feeling plus side you can draw all over with out the damaged of a cut.

Using a red or colored marker does let draw all over just wash it off
I used it with good effect I know a LOT about cutting and self harm so…and have lots if other ways to help deal after some close calls.

2 Likes

I will definitely try that. I’ll just have to rummage around the house a bit but I’m sure I’ll find one, and if I can’t find one well then I’ll buy one. Can’t be that expensive right? Anyways even if it does cost me a couple bucks if it can get me to stop cutting then I definitely think it’s worth it.

3 Likes

Whatever color can work the color choice is a personal thing I have a friend that used black or puple I use red as has the right look for me.

Darker colors normally are better stands out more on the skin color

1 Like

As I remember the 15 mintue game is basically I will not cut for 15 minutes and if you do get a little reward or pick me up and go for a second 15 minutes when the feeling of cutting comes up.

Like agh cut nope I play 15 minutes read for round one, draw for round two etc do something to focus on.

2 Likes

Okay I’m back. Had chores to do. Yeah I think either red or purple for me. I’m not sure why purple it just is something significant to me not sure why though. Someday I might figure it out and hopefully along with a few other mysteries of my brain. And I think I would be able to do the 15 minute game. It really does sound like a good idea.

1 Like

Yea it was told to me by a care worker before I was placed with my family.
puple is a good color not to hard to clean off too

1 Like