Tired of pulling myself up by my bootstraps

This is how I’ve been getting through life.

Not just now, but growing up as undiagnosed autistic. I thought that’s how everyone got through life, how everyone else succeeded. I suspected I was just lazier than everyone else, that I just wasn’t trying hard enough. That if I failed I deserved whatever I got because it was my fault. After all, I could see that I was just as smart as other people, so what the hell was my problem?

And despite all my challenges, being diagnosed with autism in my 30s was a shocker, so ingrained was the idea of my own personal failings and the neurotypical impressions I’ve been doing all my life.

I need accommodations and resources to succeed in this society or else figure out a different way to exist and still live a meaningful life. In which case I would probably still need accommodations and resources because that sounds just as challenging if not more so. The problem is there’s not much out there for people like me—adult women with autism already diagnosed too late.

Anyhow, just feeling beaten up today.

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Sorry you are feeling beaten up today. I suspect most of the people on this forum have been there, considering the nature of the forum. I hope you can shake off this feeling and feel better in the future.

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Thanks @Bowens

1515

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You get tired of having to re-invent yourself. My current career is my last one. I don’t have it in me to retrain again. Nothing like thinking you finally have it made and then the entire goddamn house of cards comes down around you.

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That’s exactly how I feel. I got diagnosed with schizophrenia late in life. Lost jobs and property because of it and just don’t feel the motivation to start all over. Feel like my best bet at the current phase in my life is to remain on disability. Maybe at some point in the future I will feel differently but I dunno.

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Sorry if I derailed the thread a bit with that last post. This thread is suppose to be focused on Gamera

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I understand. I have been getting knocked down and pulling myself back up for years. It’s exhausting. I am sorry you feel so down @anon1517417 .

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I’m sorry @anon1517417
I know the feeling.
I feel pretty low myself today.

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I don’t think you derailed it at all. I like to hear about other people’s experiences.

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Your post struck a chord with me as I too was diagnosed in my 30s. I too struggled along in life until then like you described.

I’m sorry you’re feeling beat up today.

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I hope you get the help you need and start feeling better

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I have immense trouble with probably some kind of social disorder so I feel lazy as hell all the time because I never want to do anything or leave the house, but its because Im scared

I cant imagine what its like to go through being undiagnosed autistic and having blamed yourself all those years. Youre strong to have made it this far, you deserve a break

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I have a hard time leaving the house because I struggle to communicate with other people. I don’t pick up on social cues so most of my interactions are a little fraught. This means that I’m getting negative feedback from those connections out in the world so it just feels better and safer to stay in, to stay away.

People who know how to socialize get more positive feedback from the world. I think it’s just a friendlier place to be.

Thanks for the kind words @zwolfgang.

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This is a skill that can be learned. It costs money, but you can learn to read body language and micro expressions. Gives you an edge when dealing with NTs.

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That’s what I’m trying to do now. I’ve been practicing with mixed results, but I think I’m getting better.

The only problem is that it’s exhausting, even if I get it right. I hope it gets easier.

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That doesn’t sound too bad. That’s what I’ve done.

You might find that doing that might be so much easier than trying to be something you’re not.

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Thanks @everhopeful. I think I’m going to try that. The hard part is trying to adjust my expectations, but I think having a better understanding of myself goes a long way.

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oh I am so sorry you are so down…I am sorry you are autistic …I guess if I read right…you want to be more successful socializing? sorry it’s so much work for you…be happy with who you are, as a whole, and you will be happier…easily said than done…I know…I don’t have much advice I guess…

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@velociraptor sorry, I meant to ask if you had any resources in mind, like a book or was this in therapy?

One thing to keep in mind, when you worry about feeling guilty for special accommodations, is that NT people get special accommodations all the time. It just isn’t called that. But look at how many places exist just to socialize while drinking. Look at the way classes and work trainings are set up to specitically cater to the learning style of NT people. Look at how most people learn to use social signals to communicate to other NT people, and how if someone doesn’t use them they are expected to learn how. Look at how smoke breaks are widely accepted as a norm, to the point a smoker has no fear about whether a job will honor their need to go smoke every hour. Look at how almost every high paying job in the world requires you to work Mon-fri 9-5 AKA the hours many NT folks are naturally awake and most productive. Look at how promotions for those jobs depend heavily on how well the hiring manager likes you as a person based on your social skills. NT folks made all kinds of special accommodations for themselves. But they don’t notice because that’s just how the world works.

Special accommodations arent some huge favor you are pushing onto people. They are your legal right and they exist as an effort to give you a similar experience to someone who happens to have a different set of needs that are already being catered to.

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