I want to escape

Im tired of everything. Tired of fighting a losing battle. I am starting to think some things are just impossible. And everything hurts, nothing goes right. Im just spinning endlessly never actually getting anywhere. Everytime i feel like i might be getting better im not. This is very discouraging. What exactly am i fighting for, its starting to seem like nothing. And if im not fighting for anything worthwhile then the pain im enduring is useless. So why keep going? Why keep trying? Im just so tired of everything i just want to close my eyes and never open them again. Drift off in my sleep into other worlds that may just may hold more peace and happiness.

What exactly are your symptoms Serene? Things can only get better once you hit rock bottom…

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I have a lot. Yea but ive already been there many times. I hit these places where i feel like there is nothing left and then i fight like hell to get out and do something better. But nothing i do helps. I always end up back down this hole of hell.

Some symptoms i have:
Poor concentration
I dissociate a lot - its how i manage to function
Millions of unwanted thoughts
Extreme pain
Sometimes low energy sometimes high
Self hatred
Sometimes i have multiple opinions on the same things
I feel like im constantly in battle with myself and somehow im always losing
I dont notice my surroundings a lot
I have trust issues
I get really stuck in my thinking and no.matter what i cant change it
Ive gotten confused with things in my dreams and reality
I sometimes have issues with my depth perception and have had a couple minor visual hallucinations
I constantly feel like people have ill intent towards me, whenever their trying to joke around with me i take them seriously even though i know its a joke…
Low self esteem
Sometimes i think i can do anything
I have so many goals and things i want to do more than anyone i know
Sometimes i think the entire world hates me
Sometimes i believe i get a bit delsusional
I can get confused over what people are saying to me and i seem to always think they mean different things
Extreme irritation problems
Anger issues
I cant seem to handle anything
I just snap out - one minute im notmal tge next all hell breaks loose and im doing all sorts of unhealthy and stupid behaviours
Self harm- ive given myself two black eyes and many bruises and have smashed my head against things and bitten myself to many times to count, also i stabbed myself while i was on vacation in miami
I get suicidal where i feel like that is my best option
I also have memory issues

Theres probably more things tok but i cant always remember everything

Oh also i cant do anything with any kind of competition. I cant play games or anything, otherwise i sometimes snap and get really angry. Very inconvenient when with friends.

I feel the same
I feel like I’m going round in circles
I try really hard but I get nowhere
Tonight I feel very depressed

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There are med which can help you with anxiety and depression. Are you taking any?
Anger management can be taught with therapy. Are you doing any?
Extra-energy can be put to good use if you exercise. You don’t need to compete against others, you just need to challenge yourself.
Just a few ideas… I’m not a doctor but I look around and see what works for most people.

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I do all the right things but I still get ill

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No im not im waiting for my appointment. And yea i do excersize a lot and work really hard to feel better. But it doesnt seem to help much. Ive also been tought really good voping skills and anger management. Unfortunately its not just a lack of skill and moreso a problem of overwhelming pain to the point functioning is impossible. Im just tired of constantly fighting and never seeming to make any progress which causes depression since i am powerless to change my circumstances. I cant just stop being the way i am. Ive changed everything in my life multiple times but it doesnt help. Nothing hells and im to the point where i just want to say ■■■■ it all and just quit.

Yea me tok and jt hurts when people around me thi k that i choose to be this way…

What kind of “pain” are you talking about? Is it physical? Do you know what causes it?

Yes serene
For me the last ten years I’ve been suffering and crippled sometimes like you say I think I’m winning and then the paranoid symptoms and voices come back
I have made no friends and I never have a boyfriend
I have my mother who try’s to help me
It’s not good the way I feel I’ve had enough

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Its psychological. And i dont know what causes it or how to make it stop. Ive had these issues and the pain for years. Still i cant figure it out and its definately not for a lack of effort.

That is aweful im really sorry to hear that. I wish you felt better. Some things i believe are worse than death.