This illness isn't fair

Out of everyone when i was younger who was smoking cannabis i am the only one with severe mental health problems.

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Not the only one man. Same here.

I now what you mean about real life friends. I know a good 15 close friends who smoked as much as I did. Only one of them every developed a psychiatric disorder. That was years ago too, he’s older than the rest of us and it occurred before he found this group of friends. The lone mind+drugs = craziness.

Same here. Genetic predisposition is a bitch. I’ve made sure to discuss with my kid what can happen if she smokes pot even once. There could be a switch in her head just waiting for a chemical to come along and flip it.

I remember a kid I went to elementary school with for a while. She kept getting sicker and sicker and then she was gone. Cancer. Went to her funeral. I guess her end was especially painful. I just remember her being a really nice girl.

I got to have a life and a career and a family. She never even made it to middle school. There’s unfair and there’s really goddamned unfair. I am grateful to have my problems and not hers.



Life is inherently not fair. The old cliché is true: There is always someone who is worse off than you somewhere in the world. Was it fair for the people to get their heads cut off by ISIS? Is it fair for a child to be born into abject brutal poverty in places like Haiti or Nicaragua? Was it fair for 6 million Jews to be exterminated in WWII ? No, but they didn’t have a choice. It’s all relative, and it could be worse. What f you didn’t have a computer or you were illiterate?

Hey, I’ve suffered as much as the next guy but I’m thankful I’ve suffered in opulence almost my whole life. I’m not saying you should run around laughing all day but perspective plays a role in our disease. Like pixel says, lots of kids don’t make it to their 6th birthday due to starvation and diseases that the developing world are immune to because of simple vaccinations not available to poorer countries.

I’m not minimizing our suffering, we have it harder than most and most of us don’t deserve to suffer to this degree, but if you have a roof over your head, running water, and three meals a day, than you are doing better than millions of other people in the world.


What bothers me is I can’t seem to get away from problems. I stopped smoking weed where I was in a state of constantly being high and thinking I was the star of a reality show, to being in total paranoia of wall banging and going in and outside of my house because of my neighbor. I just wish I could have a normal life. My friends too smoked weed and didn’t become schizophrenic, maybe if I knew there was a chance it would happen I would’ve quit earlier!

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Stick with it man. Living on my own know, my mind gets hung up on a lot of the noise the neighbors make. Causing me to hallucinate. They start laughing I immediately check all my thoughts out of habit thinking they might be laughing at me.

Synchronicity is a bitch. Also people have a tendency to be loud. Slamming apartment or car doors. Speeding off. This one dude starts his motorcycle and sits on it for 5 to 10 minutes before going anywhere. I’m just going to ignore it from now on, but yesterday the timing of it. I had just went to lay down, seeking silence, then all the sudden this bike starts and just “put put put put put put put put (slight amount of gas) put put put put” and on and on. It seems ridiculous now but at the time I thought that telepathic ■■■■■■■ was doing it to pester me and was trying to get my attention so he could harass me without breaking the cover of this being an illness. It’s all got to fit in the pattern.

Ridiculous/delusional ■■■■■■■■.

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Yeah yesterday I had the realization that the guy just wanted to scare me because I was delusional, thinking he was my bodyguard, having a worldwide audience. He got mad at me and started slamming the doors too I think just to piss me off and make me come back to Earth. I know the sensible thing would be to just find a person to take my lease and find a new apartment but:

a) I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I am going through.

b) I’m lazy, don’t want to pack and leave and I like my ■■■■■■■ apartment.

Apartment living is a bitch man, so is poverty.

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Hah, I don’t think the guy would ever harm you. That is all probably just a coincidence. He seems notoriously loud so it might just be overlap.

There have been moments though where similar things have happened to me.

Hanging out with my very religious grandma and I say in my mind “God’s the devil.” She kind of paused on what she was saying.

If it is real they just do this ■■■■ so non nonchalantly and constantly and expect me to just be normal. It’s so absurd man it can’t be real.

I didn’t even do drugs to get mentally ill. It just happened, maybe due to high stress for a long time?

Predisposition + environmental factors (stress is probably the catalyst). How much of which one no one really knows.

I did the drugs… Hallucinations are something else.

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lmao @SoitGoes, if thought broadcasting was real I would constantly get assaulted as I say racist ■■■■ in my head when I cross someone’s path that I don’t like. Even to my own father! When people talk to me just for talking I imagine myself punching them in the face, I wouldn’t do it but then when it’s time to act and confront this neighbor of mine I just pussy out. All I want is peace and quiet, to be free to come and go as I please and not have to fake being nice just because I’m terrorized. It’s not much to ask for, but God above ignores my pleas. I’ve been a good person most of my life, I have no idea where all this punishment originates from…

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Hah yeah the racist thoughts. I give myself so much hell for those. Or used to.

For a while my mind was like a jeopardy wheel. Just a paranoid cycle of labels that would roll all day long. I finally got out of the system for long enough to break that psychotic focus, I’m actually pretty resilient at not letting that dominate my mind at any point any more. The hallucinations have been effected by this.

I’m psychotic and paranoid about all the potentials of myself. Meanwhile my normie brother is saying all of the worst things out loud to people(in a joking manner, for the most part).

The illness certainly isn’t fair.

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I never ever did any drugs
My grandad was sciz

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I’m getting to the point where I don’t think about any of that ■■■■■■■■ any more. It feels pretty good. There are still triggers and hanging out with people always makes me anxious, but this illness might just end up getting me over that. Like when the hallucinations stop, I’m no longer curious as to what people think of me, they aren’t “watching” me think of myself because I’m not doing that either. I’m also not caught in the focus of the illness which means I get little breaks instead of a constant stream of hallucinations.

The more time I spend away from people the better. At this point anyway. Until I develop some genuine(not forced interests) and have more on my mind then trying to solve this mental rubiks cube and square away the whole experience.

I think it will happen in time.

You know, what irks me the most is how life would be a ball if money wasn’t involved. I see all these pictures of places of paradise on Earth, nice hotel suites, amazing technology. If I could experience all that at free will it would be Heaven on Earth. But no, I gotta be stuck in a place of madness with people I don’t like, seeing the same four walls around me every day. “Not fair” is the expression man.

I read a lot of rich and famous people’s Wikipedia’s, for example Elon Musk was bullied and had to be hospitalized after being pushed down a flight of stairs and beaten, rapper The Game was shot in his own apartment when dealing drugs. They all have gone through tough times, but believe me, me too man, so why do they get rewarded and I have to post my art on Facebook and not earn a single cent for it. I’m ready to work my way out of this mess but I’m willing to bet it will take a whole lot of time to do that… :unamused:

Yeah man, getting back into real world isn’t going to be easy. I have virtually no resume. I ended up getting fired from the company I spent the most years with. And their manager turn over rate is very high, in a couple years I doubt any of the bosses I had will still be there.

So it’ll be some really shitty job at first. Has to be. Then part time school. I don’t care how long it takes. I might do accounting or math or something.

I don’t know. That’s a whole other challenge.

Hadn’t heard that about elon musk. Good ideas make money. A web based financial account for making secure payments(PayPal) was a the perfect idea at the time. He sold it for 2.6 billion. Insane, but good for him. I think Tesla motors is a very well thought out company and will probably have a huge impact on the market moving forward. Those cars are as modern as it gets.

It blows my mind man, I wonder how they do it those billionaires, how they swim through shark-infested waters, people who wanna see you fail, and still rise to the top. I’d love to know their secrets. I have had it lucky in one aspect of my life, and that is being good-looking, a few fights have deformed my face a bit, and all those meds took a toll on my body, but I’ve still got some good spare parts. just gotta work on my fitness a bit. Where I wasn’t lucky is being born to an immigrant family with little means. Things have gotten better for them but for me it has been a whole 31 years of living in near-poverty.

Take it one day at a time man, start slow, try to improve on what you have and most of all believe in yourself no matter what anyone says!

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I do have a strong sense that I’m going to end up alright in life. Will have a decent job. I know this because deep down I’ve convinced myself I deserve it. I know it’ll take work to get there, but I think I’m on the right path. The peace I feel tells me this. Even with set backs, I’m going to be mainly moving forward.

Money sucks, I agree with you there. Monetary theory is a crock. It’s just the system that is in place.

We don’t have abundance yet, otherwise things could be different.

I don’t know it’s outside my hands. I’m just going to try and keep climbing from here.

Reading a book on that - Abundance will only be reached with the help of techno-philanthropists, advancements in all areas of life like food production, healthcare, the free market, DIY innovators, the rising billion that’s still in extreme poverty, and the ever-changing presence of the internet. If no one tries to pull us in that direction, I can only see things getting worse for people like myself. The presence of jobs is a barrier towards self-improvement, we should be aiming at replacing monotonous jobs with robots who can do the same and don’t get tired.

It’s like a video game that makes you pay or level up to unlock guns or abilities, I think everything should be available right from the start so you can enjoy the “game” to the fullest.

I don’t know, some days are harder than others, I’ve almost given up, got a little willpower left and I’m going to bet everything on that.

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Take it in stride man. Relax when you can. Accept life for what it is. That’s what I’ve been doing.

I’ve been trying to get this constant need to consume under control, i’ve always had it with me. Coffee, alcohol, pot, cigs, man so many things I’ve used to keep it going. To keep that dopamine spiked.

I’m trying to just sit here and relax and get used to a less consumptive lifestyle. I’ve had a mountain dew today and some food but that its. I’m itching inside to do something, but at the same time I’m asking myself? Why do I have to do anything. So I was hooked on substances and now those aren’t an issue. I could fill it with exercise but that is just transferring the addiction around. I want peace.

There is a good chance that a bike ride would lead to hella tobacco cravings as well. I don’t really know what I’m doing today. lol.

As far as the world goes. It sucks man, but it’s not worth thinking about. It’s best to simplify and learn contentment, from there you can learn drive and with drive you can do anything.

That’s just how I see it at this point.

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