This time of year always makes me think of my psychosis as this is when I started getting ill for the first time.
I was thinking about my past self earlier when I was first diagnosed with psychosis and how little support I had from family/MH team in the first year or so. I spent most of a year on my own feeling depressed. I felt like I didn’t have anyone in the world to talk to and that my life was over. I did make a lot of music that year and tried to channel my sorrow into something positive but that that was all I did and many times I would struggle sleeping because I got so overwhelmed with my thoughts. My Dad really didn’t care about me, I remember him raising his voice at me multiple times over trivial things and telling me I was lazy etc. The child MH team just wanted to diagnose me and didn’t seem to actually care for my well being much once I had a prescription.
I don’t think anyone (including myself) really understood the sense of loss and desperate longing for what could have been in my life. Even my mum who was the most supportive just sort of told me that I was still young and I could still do things that I wanted to even if it was more difficult. But as time has gone on - I never really could do what I wanted to.
When I went back to school ( I had dropped out during psychosis) it was way too hard to even get up for school, let alone do all the assignments and follow along in the classes. I would get home and just feel so knackered and yet have multiple assignments to write. Despite looking forward to it every day for a year I ended up dropping out a second time after a few months - and that put me in a position where I did not know what I could do if what I really wanted to do seemed impossible.
I’ve done pretty much nothing since for some 15 year or so. Sometimes (like today) Ive felt guilty for it and beat myself up about not doing anything with my time compared to other people. Other times I’m not so harsh on myself and understand that I have more limitations with my energy than most people.
I suppose I have done small things like play gigs and stuff, but I haven’t worked or studied since that time.
My parents both like to say that I never tried so that I would never fail. I go back and fourth as to whether I believe them or not. Its true that I never got fired from a job for not showing up, I just never got a job because I really doubted that I would be able to do it when I struggle to get up for appointments that aren’t in the afternoon. (And I did try to get a job a few times but when you have no experience you arent exactly a good candidate)
Some support workers I saw this year were more understanding about me not working. One of them said that its my life and if I don’t feel like I’m able to work that I shouldn’t let other people make me feel guilty about it or pressure me into trying to get a job just for their sakes. That they wouldn’t appreciate it if the roles were reversed.
To be honest I don’t think I really can work. Even today when I woke up “on time” - its still like 11AM to get up. But I still feel guilty when I start thinking about it too long and what I wanted for myself when I was a child 