Things I didn't say

When I was an adult living with my mom I should have told her that sometimes the way she behaved towards me made me feel like less than an adult. I don’t think it would have bothered her at all. We might have had a better relationship. Are there things anybody else wishes they had said to a friend or family member?

Before we moved to our new house (location) Looking back, I really wanted to thank my last therapist in person - I texted her to thank her, but now that I look back at it - this may not have been enough

I wish I had been able to say goodbye to my mother one last time. I was too late getting to her side on the day she died and she was already gone by the time I got there. My brother to this day says we got there before she passed but I know he just says that to make me feel better.

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Sorry about that (not being able to say goodbye) @Malvok. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to my mom either. She died at home (we had Hospice). I fell asleep one night, and when I woke up she was in a coma. She died 36 hours later. She had a very aggressive form of breast cancer. She was 44. :’(

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My mom died of breast cancer as well. I had been out with my peer specialist and when I got home I had a bunch of messages on my phone. My brother came picked me up and we rode to see her. It was snowing hard that evening. Though it wasn’t official until a little while after we got there, I know it was too late.

Did she know you were there, or was she too far gone to know? Fsck breast cancer. It killed my mom in 3 years.

She was already gone by the time I got there.

My step-father never could hold a good job so my mom lived a pretty poor life financially. She never went to the doctor because they couldn’t afford it. When he finally landed disability and they got insurance she was found to be in stage 3.5. She died months later.

Yes, in America sometimes I did things I did not tell to my former US spouse and her family. They had found out some things in other way through their network. When they talked about me they used the term ‘she’, but I was a man. I should have told them that I am not deaf, blind nor a moron.

Forgive me, but I am still learning your story. Is your step-father the family member you don’t care for?

I hated him for decades. After my mother’s death our relationship changed and I don’t hold him any ill will.

Actually, it was during her final months that my relationship changed with him. It was only then that I saw how much they loved each other.

This is turning into a pretty bad morning. It’s been over two years now and I still can’t deal with it.

On a lighter note, my mother was a total Steelers fanatic. She had said that when it was time she hoped it would be during a Steelers game. It was. They were playing the Browns of all teams. Jan 1, 2012.

I had a step-mother that abused me, giving me a compound fracture of the hand, among other not so nice things (I was never sexually abused). Put it this way, I know of more than one use for a belt. They divorced after 4 years, but then 3 years post-divorce, my dad blew his head off.

My father was an abusive alcoholic. The only good thing he ever did for me was to stay out of our lives after my mother left him. He died from a staph infection from a spider bite after hurricane Katrina.

Back in 1994 when an abortion doctor John Britton was murdered in Florida, his daughter and her husband came to the house of my former US spouse’s grandmother to talk about the murder and other matters. I was there too and I had a paper and a pen. This John Britton’s daughter’s husband thought I was writing down their discussions, although I just tried to solve a mathematical problem. I should have told them that I do not need a piece of paper to remember what was discussed. Basically they talked about some post-event mental treatment and so on. Bill Clinton addressed this abortion doctor murder in his speeches in the same year.

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Between my dad and mom, they didn’t have 100 years of cumulative life. I was on bad terms with my dad when he shot himself. I feel partly responsible and his mother (my grandmother) blamed his death on me. Families can be so nasty!

My mother didn’t follow traditional medical treatments for her cancer. She was swayed by family and friends to try “natural” and homeopathic remedies. I was the sole voice of reason but my voice was drowned out by everyone else she knew. I pushed hard for her to get treatment, so much so that it caused huge rifts in the family. Still, I should have pushed even harder and I feel like I let her down. I bear much of the blame for her death.

There’s even more about the situation that makes me hate myself. A friend of the family had cancer a few years before my mother found out about hers. This woman, someone around my age that I knew growing up, had claimed that a “sugar diet” cured her cancer. She got my mother to try it and obviously it didn’t work.

About a year after my mother died, this woman’s cancer came back and killed her. I did not shed a tear. I found it a fitting reward for her misleading my mother and contributing to her death. I remember thinking, “I guess the sugar didn’t cure you after all.”

I hate myself for feeling no sadness at this woman’s passing and even more for the grim sense of satisfaction I felt when I heard the news. I am not a good person.

■■■■■■■■. You were a son protecting his mom. Do NOT make this about you. Just think of this when you think of that woman: “You call the tune, you pay the piper.”

Ironically, we had a similar situation where people pushed homeopathic “remedies” on my mom to further their agenda. Even as an 11-year-old, I hated this one woman in particular. I remember my dad throwing the pizza onto the ceiling when he found this out. He confronted her violently and told her to steer clear of us. I was so proud of my dad.

There are many things I could have said. For example back in 1991 when I had written my thesis in America I wrote how badly managed one family company was and a Professor graded it as very good, but still people spoke bad things about me and my thesis. I did not care about their corporate politics, but I wrote how it was. As it happened this company lost all of its business later years after, which I had seen happening. At the time this family was one of the richest in Finland with a company turnover five billion dollars, but today they have just one billion dollars. Basically, in that company more favorable were people such as one person who cheated his wife immediately after she had left. Basically this person pick up a black woman in Atlanta and had sex with this woman and this woman had told this person that he had raped her and so on. But because this person served alcoholic beverages to the underage son of the President of this company he was in their favor. There are many things I could have said.

Malvok, you need to stop with this self hatred. It could take you to a very bad place. I feel partly responsible for introducing this topic. If it helps to get busy to forget the bad memories, or if it helps to do nothing, you need to stop putting yourself down. Do whatever you have to do to stop thinking this way. I’m afraid my topic was a trigger. I’m sorry.


Don’t feel that way, I will feel this regardless of a thread on a forum and it isn’t triggering.

I feel lucky in that I’m learning to take these opportunities to make amends and say stuff I wish I would have. I did tell my Mom that I really do appreciate her no-nonsense approach to wellness management.

I’m feeling better about that…

It’s the stuff I wish I never would have said that I’m having a hard time with. There was a time I showed utter disrespect to my very patient and logical Mom and my very patient and mellow Dad.

I’m regretting stuff I did say, not stuff I didn’t say.