They're Not Me

No, they’re not. I tried to be nice. I didn’t take the poison today. I did the dishes last night, but the sliver in my finger says I’m lying. Somewhere, somebody’s getting beat by their parent. We’ll see it on the news tonight. I think I need to go for a walk. Walking makes me reflect on things, but the damn airplanes also see me walking.

I’m also hungry, but can’t be sure it’s not poisoned. Need to make the food myself, but my cooking skills are crap. Why can’t I cook? I know how to make lots of things, but my food turns out mushy and inedible. Why? I can’t walk out there anyway because the weather is coming. Ugly cat. But it doesn’t talk to me.

Hey, maybe you should call your doctor?

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It’s Sunday here. Doctor won’t be there. I can call back at 9am tomorrow then wait for a few days to get a call back. Then he’ll lecture me about not taking my med because it’s poison. Then I feel bad and have to think why I’m failing. I see happy people all the time but I never was one. I don’t even want “happy” but relatively “normal”. Not the guy you see in the store arguing with himself or putting back the same box of crackers eight times just to pick it up again. Talking to somebody who isn’t there and then having to count his cash one, two, three, four times before it can go back into the wallet. Then taking slow peeks at the wallet before it can go back into my pocket, just in case anything decided to take my money.

I don’t like it. Too many thoughts in my head.

1.25mg Risperdal, twice a day. Maybe some time with the wife is in order? That means I’ll have to interrupt her TV-watching. Don’t feel like a movie or games. Command hallucinations are loud but not threatening. Why are there dirty clothes on the floor?

Please don’t consider your medicines as poison. They are the means to make you feel normal.

Yeah get to your doctor as soon as you can

You mentioned being married- talk to her, tell her how you feel and what you are thinking until you can call your doctor.

What’s your evidence that medication is poison? I’ve been on meds since 1982. Aside from not being in as good of physical shape as I would like to be, I feel fine. No illnesses, no diseases.

Your med’s are a poison, but you must also remember you have an illness :smile:

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Sometimes you just gotta do it to face your fear.

I was terrified of my mirror for so long and could never sleep facing it and had to check it every time I heard a sound to make sure my reflection wasn’t going to come out and kill me. Then I worked on facing my fear and forcing myself to sleep so that I would be open to attack from my reflection and every night I do that and don’t get killed it makes me feel less and less afraid that will happen. Exposure therapy. I learned it from watching shows on OCD.

Maybe it could work for you too? Definitely talk to your doctor about your worries anyhow.