I feel so terribly alone. I can’t cope anymore. My marriage is being severely tested bcuz of my sz and bcuz I am a selfish bitch. I’m mad at God, my spiritual life is going down. And I feel destined for hell. I’m kind of living a hell on earth already. My motivation is non-existent, I wanna cut… I wish sometimes I could just die and wish I was never born. My mom says I need to see a pdoc again but what’s the use of that??? I am beyond help. He/she would just increase my meds then I would have to cough up more of my husband’s money to pay for my already expensive pills. i’m just a f***ing burden on everyone. There’s just no hope for me.
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(((Hugs))). There is hope and lots of hope. Meds and therapy do go hand in hand and where most people go wrong. If you did see my survival guide is lots of info there and I know there is much more surport and hope for you.
Not knowing your area unsure of what other support is available to you but bound to be lots available for you. Try not to get despondent on things you can change.
Hope you feel better soon.
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@Hadeda please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve come a long way and just when you think it can’t get any worse…the sun will shine for you. Life is hills and valleys and sometimes the valleys are too deep and we lose hope…please try to find hope in anything ? take in a sunset or buy yourself some flowers? Not much help I know. Take care.
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I KNOW YOUY CAN GET BETTER SAADIQAH…this illness comes in cycles, im sure you’ll be on the up soon enough
Don’t blame yourself @Hadeda It’s the disease. You should only take responsibility for your actions and behavior. If you don’t like what your doing change it. Meds are CRITICAL. You need them to be healthy individual. Don’t count yourself out just yet. If worst comes to worse, go to a mental clinic for free medicine and counseling. It can only get better from here.
I just came through similar to where you are right now. I feel for you, and know how pointless it can all seem. BUT, you can get through this too. Talk with your husband about what you’re going through and I’m guessing he won’t think you’re a burden. Allow him to help you and it will empower you both. I wish we never had such low points, but it is amazing what we can overcome. 
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I don’t know how to help you but I’m responding anyways hope it helps somehow 
Don’t think of yourself as a burden. Just think of how the people around you love you and want for you to be better. I sounds like you’re going through a rough patch right now. Stay strong.
@Hadeda
I have felt that way many times. Try baby steps.
1- go to pdoc and explain your symptoms and tell him your concern about needing med but not having money to get meds.
Most docs have on hand supplies for patients that need meds and can’t afford them. They don’t tell you, you have to ask. And then he can offer programs that will help pay for the meds.
2 - do something you find relaxing to help your nerves until meds kick in. you gotta be selfish and take care of you before you can work on anything else.
3 - sit your husband down and explain what you are feeling and how you are going to try to fix it.
4 - after all the above - make time to do something together you and your husband even if it is just walking out in your yard together looking at stupid weeds that grow up…
It will get better - this will pass.
If you have a church you go to see if you can talk to the pastor alone to explain things a little. Most times he can offer recording of the sermons for you to watch so you don’t feel left out.
We are here for you.
You can get through this, Saadiqah. It won’t always be this way. I don’t think anyone minds giving you help. You’re not a burden.