I’ve been thinking about this nearly all day when I hit the water…
How I see SZ and what I think it is. I know that no one knows exactly what triggers it, where it originates from, how to cure it… So I just have to sort of cope with it the best I can. I know this NOT scientific, but I have to see it as something in little pieces that has stacked up to make big pieces.
I look at my most troubling symptoms as individual things that build.
For me, the most immediate symptoms that knocks me down is the big bad number one for me.
Disorganized Thinking- This is the first and worst that just makes my day hard, defeats me, makes me doubt myself, and I feel is the largest piece of the dragon that I’m trying to fight. It creates my delusions great and small. It makes me try and justify stuff that upon further inspection doesn’t make any sense.
Negative Symptom- This one used to be the number one bad boy and I still cringe when I think of how much this took from me, how many years this sucked out of me. The lack of motivation, the lack of empathy, the lack of speech, the inability to relate or communicate to anyone, the depression… Now that I’ve busted out of my wax build-up, I’ve been working not to let it get me again, so severely.
Anxiety/ Panic- I hate the feeling of my world slipping out from under me and falling into a panic, sometimes for no reason. Panic strengthens my voices and hallucinations.
Cognitive problems- This has killed my memory, my ability to learn things quickly and some of my understanding of situations. I end up in very upsetting situations because I misread the whole thing.
The positive symptoms- These are bad, the manic phases are nice, the hyper energy is nice sometimes with in reason, I don’t mind the few voices I’ve got left, I’m getting used to coping with the hallucinations so this is no where near as terrifying to me as the negative symptoms.
The paranoia- This one I think I’m getting better at knocking down. It usually travels with anger, stress and lack of meds.
So I have to look at this as little sections that can be broken down and kicked little by little.
Which symptoms are your worst? How do you kick them?