The most damaging bit to all of the sz issues is the sociological problem that is intrinsic to the nature of sz. Can you understand that? It’s the sociological part. That means it’s the social and anti social relationship between the voices and the sociological reactions to the voices.
That’s the biggest problem. At least that is how it is in my experience.
First, the voices which are not only audible but come in various forms such as tactile pains, feelings, thoughts, sights, and even smells most often in the form of murder, hate, mutilation, malevolence, perversion, molestation, and rape. To anyone looking in this is the true definition of insane.
To sum it all up it’s not meaningless. Oh no. It’s never meaningless. It’s meant. Every bit of it is meant, and somehow it is received as it is thought it is meant to be inflicted or signaled to me. I don’t have the option of ignoring it either. I only have the option of bearing it.
At least I can say that my well being is not the extreme low several years ago. But is is amazing for my genius brain to create this phantasmagorical virtual reality of delusions so intensely and concisely it’s as though I have lived under the power of Niagara Falls waterfall. And all along it was all unbeknownst to anyone around me. Can you imagine not calling the paranoia from living through that Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Why the science of psychology is not philosophically developed enough to note that fact amazes me.
So first this stuff if very sociological in nature, and that is the strangest damn thing about it. They whole magical thoughts thing is always about something sociological in nature in everyone us. Those experiences are most often as though they are from someone as in entities of some kind displaying sentiments about me in all of the forms of “communication” I listed above. But what really gets me messed up is that fact that these things have a sociological impact on me. I can understand that the strange experiences and having no reaction to them, but the fact that these “things” can warp me emotionally from a sociological angle absolutely boggles my mind. It makes no rational sense whatsoever because I know they are unreal, but they are emotionally impactful as if there were really something social/anti social in nature going on.
On a side note I am still affected these things even though positive symptoms have and the reactions to them have diminished thousands of percent from what it once was in my mind. It was like a war before compared to a wild screwball gone rogue in a library now. A lot of it has to do with my environment, my occupation, and my self worth as in what virtues I clearly posses now that I didn’t posses back then.
It’s tricky. It’s like okay, those “voices” are out there, or at least that’s what this genius brain of mine thinks whether I believe the exact opposite of what it thinks or does or not. And okay, I’m so used to those dammed things, and who cares, right? Bla bla bla…meh. Who cares, right? Hehe. But no, it’s not that simple.
I just never get numb to them. It’s like two sets of voices. There are all of the “voices” as in kinds of messages seemingly from others (which is stupid to think, right), and then there are the reactions from in me to those voices which most often is fear, anger, lust, or really focused attention. The reactions are powerful…more powerful than the positive symptoms of the perceived sociological messages being sent to me in any form.
I’ll be afraid of them, or my attention will freeze on something that is degrading to me, and it’s the stupid thing I’ve gone through for literally the billionth time for over the past decade. Regardless of the routine it’s as if it’s the first time I have ever seen this dumb stuff every time. The emotions I’ve gone through from one extreme to the next like break next roller coaster rolls and crashes in all colors of the emotional rainbow have burned me out from the inside out like a big Oak Tree which has had all of it’s core burnt up inside, and all that is left is a charcoal around the inner walls. This takes it’s toll you know after so many years.
A normal person would experience these thoughts and mental experience, and instantly forget it, drop it, and never really realize it happened just because it’s worthless information. But my brain will focus in on the meaningless stuff like it really matters, and I have no choice but to focus on it like it were being forced in my face in an anti social way. It really has the whole feel of a bully getting the best of me while at the same time I’m thinking about how these thoughts or any of that kind of experience doesn’t matter whatsoever in the most mundane way you can think about it. It’s like I’m a snapping turtle biting down on a thought, it won’t let go regardless of what I think of it whatsoever.
Why the social impact? I don’t know. It’s like there’s an inside set of voices, and there’s an outside set of voices. Keep in mind that by the word “voices” I don’t mean simply audible worded voices. I mean all of the sensations I listed above. These stupid things go on and on from an outside perspective, and then there are some stupid ones that literally react to them inside where I perceive myself as myself, but they are reacting in no way a grown man would react to bs like that. It’s truly loony if you ask me.
Well, whatever it is it’s 100% from inside of my head, Psychologically it is it’s own phenomenon wonder, and what’s interesting is how anything sociological whether real or imagined works it like a key or a set of keys. It can be worked, and yet as the same time it does it’s own work. Think of a triangle of 3 compartments. I’m in one which is what I consider myself inside of me, and the voices are in another, and yet the reactions to the voices are in yet another compartment. Some things make it do one thing, and other things make it do another thing, and the combination and order of those keys cause it to do other things, but there’s only so many things it can do, and it’s always emotional.
What’s weird is that the only way to shut it off, and keep working or doing whatever without these weird emotions always overwhelming me like when I’m simply trying to talk to someone, it holds me back and breaks my focus, so I have to constantly try to lock all of that mind spring back up. It’s like a mind game or an IQ game where it throws one at you, and you have to think of what you know to lock back up the welling emotional spring in you, so you are not mentally disturbed while trying to accomplish something. This is constant. It does not cease.
I literally could care less about anything to do with these idiotic voices, but I’m disturbed by them or at least the involuntary reactions to them, and the only way to undisturb myself, so I can go on doing and thinking what I need to is to think of facts and things to lock that disturbed experience back up. It’s always a matter of figuring something out to resolve the emotional reaction to the voices.
On a side note this constant solving of problems may be the reason I excel at solving problems due to constant practice day in and day out. I love to solve problems and learn because it gives me something else for my mind to bite besides obsolescent thoughts and reactionary emotions to them.
When I can’t correct my logic with some objective thinking and objective truth, and I resort to a social exchange in my head as a substitute to fix it, it’s become verbal as in social, then it’s gone too far. That is the moment of going “off the deep end” as they say. Crazy. It’s like I’m trying to reverse being molested, abused, and mocked or something, and I somehow can’t fix this sever discomfort it brings on until I out think the delusion with logic, or I basically chat to it which sucks because chatting to a delusion is not healthy, and I’ve had to do it for the majority of many years.
The path of chatting with it or even arguing with it is the path to that delusional world like a pseudo dimension in the head, and this happens over and over for years creating memories and rules to that imagined world that are not the same as the real world. It’s like two different universes where the laws of physics are very different.
This bad happen of interacting with a delusion continuously became ingrained into the paradigmal neural networks like it’s own virtual reality world, and the stakes are real in their. The pain may not be visible from any real person. The imagined attackers are definitely not real to any real person. It’s like a haunted house. They have the “magic powers” and I don’t. It’s a very one sided fight.
This is where someone can really fall off the side of the world so to speak if they don’t know what they are really experiencing. The people that live on the streets with this have no idea of a world other than that delusional world they have lived with all of their lives. It has it’s own rules, and they have to live by them in a game of survival against them and with them. Nobody else in the world has more say or pull on those people than the imagined “magic ones” in their mental virtual reality maze world.
I do have more pull than the delusional characters and what not, but it just frustrates me as in I cannot be free of it. It is painful. It is scary. It is disgusting and terrifying at the same time. It definitely is crazy, and crazy is just not a practical state of mind for a professional career person which I am.
THE ONE THING THAT’S CONSISTENT BETWEEN EACH OF US
The one thing that is consistent in all cases of this sz wonderland is it’s always sociological in nature, and it’s always supernatural communication i.e. telepathy. What the imagined “magic one’s” in each of our delusions are exactly varies from person to person. One person may see aliens. Another may see government agents. Another simply may see people in the trees or even be telepathic with everyone. The list goes on and on.
WHAT THE BEGINNING OF SZ WAS FOR ME
I distinctly remember before getting into the sz paradigm I was a few things:
-very depressed and failing in life in an unknown city alone and with no family or anyone I was familiar with
-very interested in praying for more life and meaning from spirits and being careful not to do anything to attract bad spirits
-I figured that if I were able to mentally communicate to spirits because I am a spirit, and all people can do the same thing because they are infinite spirits to, then I must be able to do the same mental communication with all people’s spirits
-very fascinated with the concept of telepathy between people and spirits in the spirit realm
-alone and desperate for anything like a purpose, company from anyone, financial success, help, meaning to myself and existence as a living being…
As I groped for straws I was always sitting in with pot heads watching them always pass the conversational ball back and forth in their groups in the city with savvy, and they always smoked pot, so I thought that in order to find well being, meaning, and friends I had to become a conversationalist too, and to become that (which I was not) I had to spoke pot. This was the meaning of my life for several years. It was ritual, but it never worked on me like others. I was just lonely, speechless, and eventually I became so concerned that something was not right with me that I started becoming weirded out and paranoid about have no ability to fit in.
The combination of the pot, the spiritual and human telepathy fantasy, my desperation, and my depression all conditioned my mind to become an sz paradigm. Basically I trained my brain to become sz thinking I was practicing some kind of higher awareness stuff. Crazy.
I developed that virtual reality maze in my head, and like a boy that forgot where he entered the woods along ways behind him, I forgot what the real world meant. I was running from reality so hard, and running towards a fantasized opportunity so fast, that I made myself forget the rules to reality until I only new the rules to my fantasy world.
The voices and vision kinds of messages started coming real, and everything I thought, felt, and perceived whether it was in my own psyche or it was what happened around me was a sign or a message from this special kind of communication. I was hungry for it. It makes sense because I had no one, and I never really had anyone, so I was clawing at reality looking for company to sooth me like a hungry dog digging at a door where food lies behind it. It consumed my whole life including every single psychological experience I could ever experience.
Like a child learning what words mean, and learning how to control his arms and legs, and then control a bat and ball, I was learning the a language of insanity, and I was speaking it with my brain. There is no other scientific explanation.
This is the language where you are never alone in your mind, and every thought, feeling, idea, perception, and even what happens around you are either messages from external entities as in people or spirits, or they are your own mechanisms, but if they are your own, then they are always witnessed. No sensation, action, thought, feeling, memory recall idea, or anything else is private. There is no privacy in this fantasy brain. They are witnessed by many, and once it became like that, it was a like a cyclone of delusional atrophy.
On one hand I wanted nothing more in my life than to believe it was real. On the other hand I somehow wound up fighting it because it was extremely sociologically disturbing. I fought for it to be real, and at the same time I fought against the imagined “magic ones” which would engage me antisocially.
It was a double think time in my life as in cognitive dissonance. I believed in two different things wholly.
It was not always anti social though. Just when I would think it’s all over, and I had nothing more to worry about the “magic ones” or whatever we should call the voices junk that yaks at us…they would become socially interesting. This in my experience of the years is so alluring that there’s literally no resisting the temptation to completely re-engage the virtual reality and its rules of delusion. Once sucked back in, then it’s the same game again like an IQ test of some kind of magic video game. Run, dodge, juke, jump, twist and everything but it’s all done inside my mind with what I say and think of as if what I say in my mind or what I think of were like keys for undisturbing the disturbances I experienced.
Make no mistake about it: these were torrid disturbances.
AFTER ALL IS SAID
After experiencing this make believe world I created with the genius of my very own brain, I have no more way to truly befriend people. I do not see people the same way that they see people, nor do I see myself they same way they perceive themselves. The rules I have lived by are as though I were from a different world, so I am changed, and I’ll never unlearn what I had to learn about myself, all people, and basically science and philosophy as a whole to save myself in reality from this insanity.
I am hardened like steel, and I’m determined like a wild spirit. I know so much, and I’ve achieved so much that it’s unbelievable even to me what I had to learn and earn to get to this point. I did not know if I could make it to this state of mind now. It’s so much clearer than several years ago which I got through with undying determination, and this sets me apart from the average person. I’ve survived by different rules, and the level I had to achieve is not ordinary like a rough diamond in the coal.
I only relate with people on a serious basis. I’m very objective. I aim to provide objective benefit to others for their sake and/or mine. Once the objective purpose is not there with someone, I just have no more place with them. I have completely objectified my mind and all people’s minds down to a scientific jigsaw puzzle, and there is no more mystery about anyone any more. This is my means of survival, and the means I had to embrace and triumph by is not conducive of any kind of relationships.
My theory is that if I were so attractive to people that I had so many social things going on I would be so occupied with thinking only about relationships and speaking with people based on the rules of reality, my brain would change and forget the voices and delusional virtual world. Plus as a professional with goals and projects in my I would be very occupied at the same time. So with a very objectively and socially occupied mind my brain would somehow winch itself out of the rut inherently by default nature of the brain mechanism.
The only way to make myself that attractive is to become wealthy, and that is what I have worked many years very hard at…harder than anyone I have ever known. So we shall see if it can work.
Mr. Niceberg
welcome