Today, something dawned on me that sort of disturbs me. I started thinking about the person I am now compared to the person I’ve been for the vast majority of my life. When I think of the person I am now, it feels unfamiliar.
It’s not that I think this is a bad change or that I’m not the person I should be. It’s most likely that the meds and treatment are turning me into the person I should have been all along. It’s just that this change sort of crept up on me and now that I think about it, it’s an odd sensation.
The person I look at in the mirror, the one behind those eyes, he’s different. And that feels a bit strange.
I have the feeling that if I keep typing about this then I’ll start rambling, so I’ll leave it at this.
When I was 16 I couldn’t look at myself in a mirror. If I did it was transcendentally awkward and disturbing. So I’d just walk past mirrors and look the other way. It wasn’t the way I looked or anything, I looked just fine, it was just…those eyes…that face…that person was supposedly me.
But these days I honestly feel more or less like my old self again and that is a good feeling. My symptoms luckly never began to ever feel normal to me. I am me again…got a little more damage than I had before, not much more, but it’s there. But overall I am the old long lost self again.
I feel that way too, Malvok. I see me aging and it makes me think and I’m grateful for that…but I am different in my eyes too. Kind of like…“is this who I am supposed to be?” I have been losing weight lately a lot and I look forward to staying on my current diet until I’m thinner. I think that’s the disgruntlement I feel about my face now.
I have heard my husband say that he doesn’t recognize the man he sees in the mirror. Much older and perhaps much wiser too. 10 years of addiction probably didn’t help as he aged without really seeing it happen I guess. Hope you feel better about this soon.
Mal, you know that we grow and with age we learn and experience different things. When we look back, we find the difference and this is quite natural. Honestly speaking, we often look back at ourselves when someone demands of that. Because s\he wants to see the old self of you where you used to have some great fun.
Reality is, we progress with time. If my friend wants p2r of the time when he used to play hide & seek with me and the p2r who was scared of a monster under the bed then you know it’s not only the ‘self version’ of mine that has been changed but the time as well. It is impossible. With the time, a new p2r has evolved who is not only different in appearance and mental approach but different in many other ways than the old p2r.
Smile and be happy that you are evolving Evolve towards good.
A few months ago I wasn’t paying attention and long story short, I ended up clean shaven… That baby faced little punk was there again. The one who messed up so much and hurt others so much… It made me a bit ill looking that little monster in the eye again.
As my moustache has grown back and my hair has grown out a little more… I feel I’m back being the guy who has been developing.
As far as who I should have been? I think I’m slightly lucky in that my glitches started long before my personality developed.
I’ve met some people who had their life set, their identities of themselves firmly in their mind, and then it all come tumbling and it’s harder for them to get back to what they remember about themselves.
I don’t have any ideal to work back to. I think I’m becoming the person who was most likely always in there.
i sometimes hate looking at myself in the mirror. i used to b pretty but now all i see is an older woman whose looks have faded into ugliness. i’m not the extrovert i once was and i hate it. i am not broken, far from it, but i am splintered into many me’s and i can’t help but feel weak bcoz of it. if only i was stronger then this wouldn’t have happened. i should’ve fought harder. oh the joys of multiple personality disorder.
jaynebeal beauty comes from the inside and you have heaps of it…
remember you were chatted up in the park not so long ago.
you are perhaps not the best person to judge your self…
know some one cares.
take care
Evolve towards good.