This is not about the main F word. This is about the other one that is disparaging towards sexualities. I have been prone to use the word in an interesting sense due to a complex I have developed in relation to sz. I had developed the idea that the word meant something like ‘social fascist’, so I called anyone who was an obvious extrovert, someone prone to being in groups or working as a team, or thinking like other people, popular people, anti-individualists, the writer Dale Carnegie (How to win Friends and Influence People), nazis, normies etc. that word. So in my psychotic rages you can see how how the F-Word played a part in defining myself as individual and alone and others as F**s and together.
This is not a conventional use of the word, but I do find the word ■■■■■■, n. and adj. : Oxford English Dictionary (oed.com) interesting. One reason is that fascist means a bundle and so does this word, but the two words haven’t joined in common usage, except only it seems by the amazing synthesizing powers of this lone sz. I haven’t heard anyone call Nazis this word, except for me, when they are characterized by a socializing type of socialism, collectivism, and not thinking individually for themselves and following a leader amongst other things. The word is commonly used on 4chan.org as part of that online culture, which has some right-liberal qualities of free speech, so I tend to think usage of the word is a type of individualistic expression even though it is used meaninglessly and hatefully.
As I have been prone to ranting and raving over the years, you can imagine those within hearing range of the vitriol must have thought I was a really angry homophobe. The reality is I’m accepting of all sexualities , but am truly an angry loner with sz. When I was dealing with community health, I characterized those workers as the F word and that probably was interpreted as sexually derogatory rather than them being in a bunch and all the things I hate about people in bunches. I’m a lot calmer now on meds, but I still think back to the treatment and curse the F-word sometimes when I think about it.
I assigned different meanings to words and invented complex terms since I was able to speak. This is actually a warning sign of mental illness, at least when it happens concurrently with other symptoms. For me it was Tourette syndrome, or something similar to it.
More importantly, as you yourself realize, your preoccupation with meanings and angry rants is definitely a mark of mental illness. Try fasting, that should calm you down and make you able to think of something more relevant to your situation.
+++ This message was marked as inappropriate by the community. I don’t understand why. I leave it as-is. Please let some moderator give an exact opinion. I apologize if I violated any guidelines.
+++ I believe it is critically important that anyone who suffers from schizophrenia actually does understand that they are indeed ill. Lack of insight is the problem number one. Hence the message to hopefully help with the problem.
Fasting is one thing, but really my life would probably be completely changed from the sz trajectory it was put on since I was 17 if I focused on becoming more extroverted, a team player, socialized more, thought like other people, watched entertainment news, did all the things I curse F***** at.
My personality was also drastically altered or even inverted after I first heard “the voices”. I turned from timid, calm and peaceful lad into someone who daydreams and rants about being a soldier or a policeman every day. I can only dream, however.
That’s weird that you dream of becoming policeman or soldier because its part of my complex to consider them the F-word too, as a policeman or soldier is based in strength in numbers/ unity, is nationalistic (stands straight and rigid like a stick or rod), and is a tool. Maybe this dream in some way has something to do with being the opposite like me.
I can only guess that you somehow unconsciously pickup this one disparaging word because its a strong, offensive and polarizing word. It is just as powerful as the N word.
From your explanation - it doesn’t seem like you are directing it at the marginalized group it refers to. Is it like a Tourette’s like reaction when you use it?
Do you use it publicly? Or socially on the internet in rants?
This is a hallmark trait of SZ - I do this too. It doesn’t come out in my online communications. But when having to communicate verbally - this happens.
You mentioned being timid, calm and peaceful. Post SZ.
Do you feel you are able to kill. As that is what a soldier and police are able to do.
They have the power to execute.
Or is it to protects the law or country.
I guess it is the way my mind makes connections between things. I admit this is psychotic meanings, but on another level I consider the meaning to be obvious. I guess it’s kind of like Tourettes when I used it sometimes, because the thoughts would just be like “collective-intersubjective-extroverted-standingtogether-one for all- collaborating” and then I would shout F@$$!%$. Sometimes I would be ranting and raving but maybe the only clear word would be the F word. I don’t really use it publicly, I don’t really say it too much anymore, but I think about the ‘material semiotics’ of the concept a lot, and haven’t written the word publicly online since 2016.
I used to be timid prior to psychosis. I became aggressive and deeply interested in violence, activism and warfare during and after psychosis.
Prior to schizophrenia the thought of killing or witnessing even an animal die was unimaginable. Post schizophrenia I think about killing others, being killed by others, and others being killed unrelated to me, every single day.
+++ This is all deep and intricate, as you can imagine, schizophrenia and delusions and hallucinations can be. It’s not the case that I became a raging maniac. But I definitely noticed mild psychopathic tendencies in myself.
For me personally, Tourette’s manifests when I am stressed, or in doubt, or embarrassed. Any mundane situation that causes the slightest degree of distress or discomfort or uncertainty triggers Tourette’s in me.
I had PTSD symptoms since childhood, even though I didn’t have any traumatic experiences, and it is when these PTSD symptoms manifest, Tourette’s also kicks in. I start whispering, or shouting insults directed at a particular category of people, or the opposite, start calling for help or looking for certain someone. I have absolute zero control over it.
Thanks, I don’t even really understand why people think it means what they think it means. I think my psychotic understanding makes more sense than calling gay people that.
you are a very eloquent person @anon84461028 . I enjoy reading your texts. I used to care about the World and have a sense of colectiveness but I realise now at least to me it makes no sense. Maybe there are wrong things in the World but I no longer care. I realised that I am better off not caring about anything but my happyness and my survival to keep being happy.
I guess one thing i have to accept is that like the word schizophrenia words dont have to mean anything. I think the word is a lot like the n word in the mouth feel and the way the voice is projected in saying it, it comes off as very empowering to the speaker and disparaging to the target.