Schizophrenia.com

The emptiness

#1

The emptiness feels a lot like loneliness. Just as I began to say “No voices right now”, I heard a man’s voice. I can’t remember what he said. He just apologized, “I’m sorry”. I feel like he is trying to get in to everything I do. He basically is trying to destroy my life. He makes me look gay. I’m not gay. He does it so that people won’t talk to me. He hurts me every time I try to make friends. I am terribly lonely. I remember when In was 20 and voices were the furthest from my mind. I had lots of friends. Now I’m all messed up inside. I feel like crying. I live with a relative and I feel really bad for accidentally braking some things of hers. I want to replace them but she won’t let me. I was exercising and I guess the jumping made something fall off a top shelf. I felt so bad. Maybe I should find my own place but I know for a fact if I go back out there alone. The voices and the people will drive me crazy. I feel so desperate for someone to share my mind with. I appreciate this website.

The voice is trying to make me think these men are wanting to date me when the don’t. I’m nothing I’m worthless. A man’s voice just told me “You’re too heavy”. I don’t need these voices. I want to die. I know I won’t go crazy when it’s time to die because I believe I’ll be finally free of the insanity. I also starting to get the idea that people don’t want me in this town and are plotting against me again.

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#2

Hiding,

As far as braking stuff, accidents happen and if your relative says it’s Ok, well, you apologized and she said it was Ok. So it will be OK. If your relative is sharing a living space with you then she obviously cares about you more then a few shelf trinkets.

I know its hard, I know how messed up it can feel, but when your voices tare into you and tell you how horrid you are, try very hard to fight back. Don’t believe them.

You have family who loves you and you have a place to live and you have other talents. Fight back against the voices in your head. Try not to believe them. Or … and I know this is a struggle, but try not to let them get you down.

Distract yourself if you can, listen to music instead. Art, garden, a walk.

It is hard and it hurts. But it can be done. Also talk to you doc and see if there is a med he has for the voices.

Don’t let them beat you up and hurt your life.

Good luck.

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#3

Thank you. Your reply means a lot to me. I’m on meds. Some days are just harder than others.

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#4

I know that for sure. I use to get upset over stuff and get stressed out and the more I stress the more the voices want to come out and play.

Try and do something to reduce the stress or just refocus on something else. I’m glad your talking it out here.

Do you live with an Aunt, your Mom or a Sister? I live with my kid sister. I wouldn’t do well living alone I don’t think. I need someone around to help me and talk me down. If you have a good place to live with a person who cares about you, I hope you don’t let the voices talk you out of that.

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#5

People aren’t plotting against you, that is just your paranoia acting up. I know, because I have been very paranoid in my life.

Good for you for living with a relative. It seems as though your relative is very supportive, since she won’t let you replace the things that you broke. Don’t worry about it. If she was mad at you for it, she would have let you know. It’s good to have support when you have a major mental illness, so don’t even think about striking out on your own right now, since that would just mess you up.

Hope you feel better soon.

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#6

Thanks CarolineC. I know I’ll get through this day. You know I have the ability to look like nothing is wrong while inside I’m trembling with fear and sorrow and self-hatred. This too will pass. It will get better.

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